Long-Distance Relationship with an Aspie ...Help!

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Hi. This is my first time on WrongPlanet.

I'm an NT (that's strange to write) and my boyfriend is an Aspie (also strange to write), I don't see him any different from me, even though we obviously think differently and our brains function differently. (Actually, I'm Asian and he kind of has an "Asian" personality - he's white, so I don't really talk about him having Aspergers...) Anyhow, we've been in a long-distance relationship for almost 3 years now. Since he works a full time job and I just graduated, we'd only see each other 2 or 3 times a year for 3-4 weeks - YES. It's HARD! But he's so special to me, that distance doesn't really matter as long as I see him at the end... About 3 years ago we met while working abroad - he lives in the UK and I live in the US... so this is an extreme case of long distance. When I first met him I feel in love right away - I'm sure he thought I was just some annoying person - however, he did say I was very pretty, so when we started talking I didn't see anything "strange" about him - only that he was kind of high strung and easily stressed - but I mean, who's not these days? I got problems too.

So we started dating - however, it wasn't really finalized until 9 months later. And things were really good. I did get my feelings hurt a lot (but I'd gotten them hurt a lot with previous boyfriends - all NTs maybe?? I didn't really think about that at the time). I talked about Aspergers with him in a serious and non-judgemental way (I've met all types of characters from all over the world, no one suprises me anymore) to see if he'd open up... but he didn't but told me that he dated girls with Aspergers - his ex, so I didn't think too much of it. Things were also fresh and I didn't want to make quick judgments on him, also we had a lot in common and had more good times than bad. (Girls, NT or not I think, can always find a reason to pick at the boyfriends - damn Disney movies!! "what i'm not a princess!?") OK. So the first year and a half was good - we hardly saw each other but I just knew he was super special, so I didn't care. Counting down 7 months wasn't a big deal! (And we didn't even Skype during this time!) But after the 2nd year... I think things actually started to become more serious... and I got mad a lot more easily. And he got stressed from me getting mad. (Still all this time we didn't talk about him having Aspergers - probably because he was never diagnosed so he "doesn't have it" - I did call him a Vulcan though, and he liked that) Anyhow, I started to get more jealous about his ex - strange after 2 years! Things just didn't click like before... or they did but I just had this strange gut feeling that he wasn't telling me everything... like I wasn't worth his time (I know this is a common character trait - and obviously after 2 years I understood, but this time it was different) So I confronted him when we met up again and asked about his ex - he didn't talk about it, he didn't even try to reassure me, he just stayed quiet... so that hurt even more... like I put so much energy and belief in you and you can't stand up for me? And I asked about Aspergers... and he still didn't talk about it - and obviously Aspergers has a negative social stigma so I didn't want it to seem like I was picking at his flaws and wrongly diagnosing him with something...

(THIS STORY IS SO LONG!)

Anyhow, we decided to live together for 4 months. 2 months in UK and 2 months in Africa (he works for an NGO for Africa). The 2 months in UK was horrible... we had our good times, but most of the time I was just lonely - this was also my first time coming to see him, instead of him coming to see me. So I know it was stressful for him - he didn't have a flat, we were finding places days before I arrived. He was always occupied with work, I just felt alone and unwanted. Like a puppy that people stopped caring for after the 2nd day. I'm a pretty confident and independent person, so I tried to occupy myself... but everyday of not giving me any attention took its toll, so I started crying, resenting the fact that I came, getting worried...etc. I even brought up his ex. He finally told me that they have been keeping in touch and write quite often - she has problems and needs support - me too! And he didn't want me to meet her cause I would get crazy... etc. So I felt so betrayed... finally I thought, we just need to get out of this stressful environment, once we get to Africa things will be different. And they were, he became his old self again... however, after feeling betrayed I didn't know what to do. I just felt like I couldn't trust him anymore... but our love is so strong that I knew it didn't have to do with me... but just his thinking... (he finally told me he thinks he as Aspergers, and his ex's assumed he had Aspergers) but I always find myself defending his logic and putting myself down... after the trip we decided we should probably break up - he said so, he said he's crazy about me, and that even if he searched the world, he'd never find another girl like me, but that he doesn't deserve me... (?) He also said being with him would just limit me from what I want to do and that I'd hate him for that in the future... but I love him and want him in my future - I've never felt this strongly about anyone. I told him that we should probably just take a break because we were both extremely emotional at the time.

So now we're on a break... deciding what to do. We're trying to figure things out like moving in together...but I know that it'd be hard for him to move to a new place... he also said he couldn't give up what he has now for me, that broke my heart. He said he'd lose his family, friends and career... (but at the same time, he tells me he's not close with his family, doesn't have too many friends and doesn't know where he's going with his job) another thing is that I'm 23 and he's 34, so I feel like he has less to lose if he comes with me. He has his PhD and a accounting degree, I just have a bachalors, and I'd like him to come live with me while I begin school... he also wants to go back to school - don't know if that's a good idea for both of us though... or maybe I'm just thinking worst case. Anyways, I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose him. I know too many lonely people my age and older looking for the "right one" and I think I've found the right one... but I'm also young and in love... but that only happens once. I'm so confused with what I should do... Break up? Take a break? I feel like if we break up, I'll have to cut off all contact because it will hurt too much.

Please help me - especially Aspies, NT people give me advice but they just don't understand.

Thanks

hi, welcome to WP and thanks for your heartfelt post. i read through it, and will provide some comments on another post in a moment. i should tell you that many of us do not have the attention span to get through that much text in one post, especially in large paragraphs (i left and came back to finish it over 3 chunks).

so i broke it up a little bit more so that people can skim it. i also took a liberty and randomly added headings to different sections. sorry if i offend.

Hi. This is my first time on WrongPlanet.

ABOUT US

I'm an NT (that's strange to write) and my boyfriend is an Aspie (also strange to write), I don't see him any different from me, even though we obviously think differently and our brains function differently. (Actually, I'm Asian and he kind of has an "Asian" personality - he's white, so I don't really talk about him having Aspergers...)


BACKGROUND

Anyhow, we've been in a long-distance relationship for almost 3 years now. Since he works a full time job and I just graduated, we'd only see each other 2 or 3 times a year for 3-4 weeks - YES. It's HARD! But he's so special to me, that distance doesn't really matter as long as I see him at the end...


About 3 years ago we met while working abroad - he lives in the UK and I live in the US... so this is an extreme case of long distance. When I first met him I feel in love right away - I'm sure he thought I was just some annoying person - however, he did say I was very pretty, so when we started talking I didn't see anything "strange" about him - only that he was kind of high strung and easily stressed - but I mean, who's not these days? I got problems too.


So we started dating - however, it wasn't really finalized until 9 months later. And things were really good. I did get my feelings hurt a lot (but I'd gotten them hurt a lot with previous boyfriends - all NTs maybe?? I didn't really think about that at the time).


HIS ASPERGER NATURE

I talked about Aspergers with him in a serious and non-judgemental way (I've met all types of characters from all over the world, no one suprises me anymore) to see if he'd open up... but he didn't but told me that he dated girls with Aspergers - his ex, so I didn't think too much of it. Things were also fresh and I didn't want to make quick judgments on him, also we had a lot in common and had more good times than bad. (Girls, NT or not I think, can always find a reason to pick at the boyfriends - damn Disney movies!! "what i'm not a princess!?") OK.


PROBLEMS STIRRING

So the first year and a half was good - we hardly saw each other but I just knew he was super special, so I didn't care. Counting down 7 months wasn't a big deal! (And we didn't even Skype during this time!) But after the 2nd year... I think things actually started to become more serious... and I got mad a lot more easily. And he got stressed from me getting mad. (Still all this time we didn't talk about him having Aspergers - probably because he was never diagnosed so he "doesn't have it" - I did call him a Vulcan though, and he liked that)


Anyhow, I started to get more jealous about his ex - strange after 2 years! Things just didn't click like before... or they did but I just had this strange gut feeling that he wasn't telling me everything... like I wasn't worth his time (I know this is a common character trait - and obviously after 2 years I understood, but this time it was different)


So I confronted him when we met up again and asked about his ex - he didn't talk about it, he didn't even try to reassure me, he just stayed quiet... so that hurt even more... like I put so much energy and belief in you and you can't stand up for me? And I asked about Aspergers... and he still didn't talk about it - and obviously Aspergers has a negative social stigma so I didn't want it to seem like I was picking at his flaws and wrongly diagnosing him with something...

(THIS STORY IS SO LONG!)


TOGETHER AT LAST... OR NOT?

Anyhow, we decided to live together for 4 months. 2 months in UK and 2 months in Africa (he works for an NGO for Africa). The 2 months in UK was horrible... we had our good times, but most of the time I was just lonely - this was also my first time coming to see him, instead of him coming to see me. So I know it was stressful for him - he didn't have a flat, we were finding places days before I arrived. He was always occupied with work, I just felt alone and unwanted. Like a puppy that people stopped caring for after the 2nd day.


I'm a pretty confident and independent person, so I tried to occupy myself... but everyday of not giving me any attention took its toll, so I started crying, resenting the fact that I came, getting worried...etc. I even brought up his ex. He finally told me that they have been keeping in touch and write quite often - she has problems and needs support - me too! And he didn't want me to meet her cause I would get crazy... etc.


So I felt so betrayed... finally I thought, we just need to get out of this stressful environment, once we get to Africa things will be different. And they were, he became his old self again... however, after feeling betrayed I didn't know what to do. I just felt like I couldn't trust him anymore... but our love is so strong that I knew it didn't have to do with me... but just his thinking... (he finally told me he thinks he as Aspergers, and his ex's assumed he had Aspergers) but I always find myself defending his logic and putting myself down...


THE BREAK

after the trip we decided we should probably break up - he said so, he said he's crazy about me, and that even if he searched the world, he'd never find another girl like me, but that he doesn't deserve me... (?) He also said being with him would just limit me from what I want to do and that I'd hate him for that in the future... but I love him and want him in my future - I've never felt this strongly about anyone. I told him that we should probably just take a break because we were both extremely emotional at the time.


So now we're on a break... deciding what to do. We're trying to figure things out like moving in together...but I know that it'd be hard for him to move to a new place... he also said he couldn't give up what he has now for me, that broke my heart. He said he'd lose his family, friends and career... (but at the same time, he tells me he's not close with his family, doesn't have too many friends and doesn't know where he's going with his job) another thing is that I'm 23 and he's 34, so I feel like he has less to lose if he comes with me. He has his PhD and a accounting degree, I just have a bachalors, and I'd like him to come live with me while I begin school... he also wants to go back to school - don't know if that's a good idea for both of us though... or maybe I'm just thinking worst case. Anyways, I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose him.


IS HE "THE ONE"?

I know too many lonely people my age and older looking for the "right one" and I think I've found the right one... but I'm also young and in love... but that only happens once. I'm so confused with what I should do... Break up? Take a break? I feel like if we break up, I'll have to cut off all contact because it will hurt too much.


Please help me - especially Aspies, NT people give me advice but they just don't understand.

Thanks

well, i think that long-distance relationships can be hard. your relationship was surviving, but it doesn't seem to be making a very effective transition into a real-life partnership.

your jealousy seems to have been well-founded, in that he was spending time and energy supporting another woman, yet you were somewhat neglected. that is a little worrisome to me.

i understand his inability to support you as much as you need, i think. i am not able to support my husband as much as he takes care of me (i am AS, he is NT). but what is your boyfriend's side of what is going on? does he give any reasons why he is not able to be as supportive of you as you need him to be?

i don't think i believe in "The One", but anyway it sounds like you are settling for someone who is not quite right for you. and you are maybe not quite right for him either. even though you have spent a lot of time and energy trying to make this situation work, it is really seeming kind of unsustainable at this point.

I would also like to hear his side of the story because I can't help but think this is more complicated than it looks.

@hyperlexian & Troy_Guther

Thank you both for your responses... I really appreciate it. And yes, it is more complicated then it sounds - like all relationships. I don't really know how to respond... I feel like I made him sound worse in the post then in reality - or I'm just feeling guilty and blaming myself... he actually spends more time supporting me, it's just that he never told me he was supporting his ex the entire time, which really hurt me, but I understand... but the fact that he didn't want me to meet her was just strange and hurt me even more - esp. since that was my first time in the UK and they live in the same city (I don't know if I will get the chance to meet her again). He tells me that I give him 1 million times more happiness in his life than his ex ever could, and that I have nothing to worry about - I'm being crazy? ...I thought about it, and I think he's just really anti-conflict and confrontation... so that could've caused him to shy away... and he says that I'm the only girl for him and so talking about her or his past is pointless... so that makes me feel good (but like a normal girl i want to know..) He's given me reasons why he can't support me, and it's not because of his ex. It's because he's just too occupied with work and afraid to lose his safety net. He also says that he only works for us... like, all the money he makes, he's just saving it for visits and things we can do together in the future. He says he's older and takes relationships more seriously also. Once we had a big fight and he said he was so close to giving it up all for me, but he got too scared (he didn't ask for my input!) and so he pulled away... and he's mad because I never talked about spending my life with him forever... (but he didn't either, so I didn't want make him nervous - some older men get nervous when you talk about the future) ...however, I did talk a lot about what our children would turn out to be if we had children, and we often talked about living on a farm together... (hints!?) I really want to believe that he is right for me. We have so much in common - it's just that we never talked about Aspergers and so when he gets cold I get hurt and sad ...but we just need to talk about our different personalities and I shouldn't judge him like an NT boyfriend. It just feels so right, and I don't want to lose him... I don't know... am I naive? If I loose him my life would be crushed. I know I could have any man in the world, and I've been all over the world and I've met all kinds, but none that could reach his level and our level of compatibility...