Saying NO because you don't feel good enough for someone

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A few weeks ago, a former classmate I had an attraction suggested we go out sometime. It seemed more than just an offer for friendship, and she's seemed to have a thing for me ever since we met. She just got out of a relationship. She even suggested the place we could go. I feel like s*** now because I kept avoiding her, and now she's dating someone else. I don't want to go out with her because I feel she's too normal and cool, and she wouldn't understand my off beat personality. I faked it with her so well because she doesn't really know me. I also feel insecure because I'm not working right now, and she's a barista and makes good money. She's surrounded by NT friends, so I fear they wouldn't really like me. I wish I could muster up confidence, but I can't. It sucks.

I'm sure someone here has a sob story where they sabotaged themselves because they didn't think they could hack it?

Yeah, I did this for a couple of years. Just dodged every sign of interest from women to avoid all the hassle. Underlying was the sense that something was wrong with me and I just wasnt sure what it was.

I've never been in this situation. I always do the asking out because men don't want to pursue me. *shrug*

Saying NO because you don't feel good enough for someone has got to be the biggest shot-in-the foot heard 'round the world.

But at least you got asked.

I have that problem right now, only she is saying no to me because she doesn't feel like she is good enough for me for whatever reason. I think it's because she is embarrassed that she doesn't have a car and isn't in school and lives so far away, but I don't care about that. There isn't much I can do to change her mind, so I finally gave up. Took me long enough, but I did.

I've turned down people that other said were at the top of the social ladder. More than once, actually. I made one guy cry because he poured out his heart to me saying he loved me and I just said "you're not my type".

I think, in some respects, I turned them down because I didn't think I was good enough.

I can relate. When I encounter a girl I'm attracted to physically, but even more so intellectually, I immediately think I'm not good enough. In my case, it's borne out by experience...all the girls I've pursued wind up avoiding me and I realize that my very presence in their lives has made them worse off because of it. I have a negative impact on all those around me.

Obviously our self esteem is in the dumps.

But take this to heart, it says something about your character, that you care enough about the other person to spare them from you, regardless of if you'd be good for them or not. Other people are selfish and pursue and pursue a person because they see women as objects to possess, to fill a void in their unhappy lives.

We too are deeply unhappy, but also caring enough that we don't want other people we care about to share in that. We are damaged goods and the women we love deserve far better. Like Quasimodo and Esmeralda.

Take to heart knowing that you are good and capable of loving, even if no one could love us back.

I sabotaged one.

I was dating a fiscally responsible gorgeous firefighter with a killer body and a philandering jerk with sparkling eyes. Guess who I chose. That's right: philandering jerk. You see, philandering jerk was pining for me. He was wooing like I'd never been wooed before. The firefighter seemed much more aloof. In fact, I didn't realize our relationship was actually where it was at until the day I broke up with him. Then suddenly I saw everything we had built and that he actually loved me. His passion definitely came to the surface during that argument, but it was too late at that point. I'd already said things that couldn't be walked back. It was done. I'd made my decision.

I realize later that I didn't think I was good enough for the firefighter. He had his whole life together and I was coming in with an abusive alcoholic ex-husband and all the related legal issues, two kids, and was still working towards a college degree. The philandering jerk was just so accepting and understanding of everything. It wouldn't be a burden to the philandering jerk (who I didn't know was a philandering jerk until much later when he'd turned into my daughter's father) whereas it would be a major dent in the firefighter's NORMAL life. Nevermind that the firefighter had an entirely different opinion about how my baggage affected his life than I did; but I didn't know that until it was too late.

What's really the kicker here is that by not having the respect to discuss with the firefighter these things that I didn't know or was assuming about him, his life and his feelings, I became someone who was not good enough for him and he realized that the day I broke up with him. That was eleven years ago next month. I assume and hope that he has found someone who would be honest with him and deserve him. Someone with their act together in the ways where it really matters.

My advice is to let someone figure out that you're not good enough for them. Just keep that information on the down low and keep rolling with what's happening. They may never realize it, or you may finally catch on that you're good enough, and you may live happily ever after.