Anger towards ex who was an Aspie

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everyone feels like that when they split in a bad relationship.

maybe he is angry and hurt too just not showing it? If not then actually thats quite lucky as it would be worse to have him stalking you or makeing your life hell now.

In time Im sure you will be able to come to terms with what happened, and be able to let it go and move on.

Well I have been in some very abusive relationships and you do get over it but it takes time. Try writing down all your angry feelings in a journal.

I am so sorry for what happend to you. However, based on the little info you gave here I can't say whether all your sorrow was caused by his asperger syndrome, or just by his jerkiness. People like that are found in all sorts of flavours. I would suggest you seek help at your friends or family and if it still doesn't help consider seeing a shrink (I only say that because it seems you have been through major trauma). That's your choice though I think in the long run it can help if you have someone to stand by you.

Time is the best doctor, but sometimes it's better to consult with real doctors. Don't worry, you can write in these forums anytime you like and you're always welcome.

well if you dont like him you are better off with out him. Your seeing a therapist and doing the right things.

Perhaps your unable to let it go as your angry at yourself for staying in the relationship so long? Perhaps try forgiving yourself for picking the wrong person?

Maybe he's just not a very good person. It's not that someone with AS couldn't be a horrible person, theoretically, however it seems there are a lot of people who misunderstand AS, who probably don't really have it and use it to excuse poor behavior. Or conversely, it's possible to have someone with AS who has come under the impression that they shouldn't try to be considerate of others in life because they have grown up with the diagnoses and have used it as a means of reasoning that they can't help it or people should accept them how they are.

My question to you is, why did you stay with him so long if he was emotionally abusive?

There are things that are acceptable in a relationship and things that aren't and as someone with AS, I would still expect my partner or spouse to adhere to certain standards and conduct, much as I'm expected to.

How long were you two seeing each other before you found out He had AS?

You might want to pick up one of the two biographies of the American astronomer Carl Sagan who died in 1996 and who was most probably aspie. His first two wives, I think he really hurt them. Precisely because he was connected in some ways and disconnected in others and it's completely incomprehensible. (Prior to the conceptual framework of Asperger's / Autism Spectrum and then it starts to make some sense) He was also estranged from some of his children for a good part of his life.

My condolences for the miscarriage. I am a guy, I'm a little bit older at age 48, but mainly from what I've read and some TV shows, I think I have some understanding of how hugely traumatic and how hugely unfair losing a baby can be, and the huge importance of the presence and empathy of others during such a very difficult time.

I often feel I am helped in understanding the experiences of others by reading. And if you don't mind, I would like to make a second book recommendation. Speaking for Myself: My Life from Liverpool to Downing Street by Cherie Blair. Cherie is the wife of former British prime minister Tony Blair. She had a miscarriage and Tony wasn't really there for her like he should have been. In a way, he didn't fully seem to 'get it.' He seemed like an okay guy in other regards, not a great guy, and he sure missed out on being there for her on this occasion.

People with AS don't lack empathy. This is an NT misconception that unfortunately continues to be propagated. People with AS don't always know when or how to show empathy, however, and may determine a situation does not require empathy because they may have a different perception on it.

He may have AS, but diagnosing someone through a third party really isn't a proper diagnosis. Your therapist has only heard your side of the story and it might just be that you are a woman who requires a man with a high level of emotional intuition or were just with someone who wasn't on the same page as you were, whereas another woman might think he is perfectly emotionally in tuned to her.

Or he could have something going on other than AS.

I didn't say you were needy. Some women just need men with more emotional intuition than others, it does not mean they are needy. They just need men who "get it" as much as they do. Women who are needy are emotionally insecure and need constant reassurance and comforting.

And are you sure your can be so sure that he has AS? You did, after all believe that those with AS do not have empathy, which is not the case.

Lots of men react badly to miscarriage, not just aspies and not just abusers. Sometimes men dont know what to do, they cant make it right, they dont know what to say, if its their baby they are probably in pain to and dont know how to handle it. Lots of people cant handle emotional crisis such as miscarriage or the death of a child or other loved one.

It does not do you any good to be angry at people for not meeting your expectations, you have to let it go. Your anger is like you drinking poison and expecting it to hurt him.

What did you hope to gain from this thread?

I think you may get more help from a miscarriage support forum or a forum which has more NT partners of aspies.

http://www.netmums.com/coffeehouse/advi ... oards-548/

http://www.babyandbump.com/miscarriage-support/

http://www.babyloss.com/

aspie forums
http://www.faaas.org/
http://asdrelationships.freeforums.org/

you may find maxine astons work of interest to you
http://www.maxineaston.co.uk/cassandra/

And so they don't do anything, or they withdraw.

And I think the thing to do is just to be there. Offer the person a hug. Spend some time with the person (also gently withdraw when you pick up the person needs to be alone, but then, importantly, come back). In particular, don't try and come up with some grand religious or philosophic summary of the event. Just be there.

golfgirl827, I think I see where you're coming from. In October when the miscarriage occurred, he was not even answering his phone. And when you finally got an opportunity to tell him in December, he didn't reach out and try and see how you were hurt and try and see how much it meant to you. Maybe he did not want to acknowledge, even to himself, that his not being there added to the hurt. But whatever the explanation, it was clearly not heart-lead behavior on his part.

It sounds like he is a jackhole. There are many kind and wonderful AS men out there, it sounds like you got a bad man. There are some awful NT men out there too, some girfriends of mine have had similar experiences only with an NT man.

Visit at your own risk.

http://people.delphiforums.com/mamamarch/aspartners/