There's a fundamental missing element...

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...in myself.


Let me describe you what always happens to me: I am in a wedding of a colleague, and ally my coworkers and colleagues are there, there are couples and there are single guys and girls.

The dancing setting in weddings here is usually very random, naturally couples dance with each others while single people dance with each others ...."randomly".

What I notice that happens very often, I pick a colleague to dance with (like everyone else) , she poorly responds to my dancing and start to look left and right within minutes (as if she's kinda subtly embarrassed) till she gradually goes to dance with another guy on the dancefloor or sometimes they suddenly become tired only to find them dancing on the other side after seconds.

This happened in every wedding, party, gathering. I always tried to ignore and go on with the party mood like nothing happened, but I am just back from a wedding and it happened again and this time I am giving it a thought.


While I am thinking, I eliminated what you're probably going to think are the reasons by logic:

- It's not my dancing, no one is pro and everyone was dancing crappy, and most of the music was Arabic anyways (unlike the western dance styles, the Arabic dancing styles are the easiest for guys and require the lamest and the easiest body movements...even a kid can do them properly).
- I am not seeking for something more, it's all purely platonic dancing with colleagues and co-workers. I have zero intention for getting anything else from them, so it's not possible that I am giving any creepy vibes, it's not like I am dancing with complete strangers. And oh, unlike many guys, I never touch or try to do anything not respectful.
-I am over-hygienic and I always make sure to shower everyday and use light perfume, and I don't live alone so It can't be my smell.
- Please, do not blame my 'cynical' nature, I do not appear so IRL , no one in real life ever told me that I am cynical (in fact, to the contrary, I am often told that I am indifferent and friendly) , only on WP I appear so and give this impression since I vent here, but in real life I hide all my wounds inside and I hide them very well.

Another thing I noticed that married/taken girls respond way better to my dancing but I don't usually approach them. It's like they are indifferent to this...'missing element', whatever it is.

What I can realize from all of this that there's a fundamental missing element of attraction in myself, it's so subtle though, it could be my whole body language and my eye contacts/ eye reflexes or maybe it's just my looks/body/appearance....but it's surely fundamental on an instinctual level. People on the dancing floor do not think logically, they go with the flow, with the flow of music, the movements ,their flow of their adrenaline and other hormones, they are not really aware of their actions and how rude they might appear ...it's just a matter of series of flows and mental reactions that happen in milliseconds.

It's all instinctual -even within coworkers and colleagues, and I have a 'something' missing ...'something' very fundamental on instinctual level that's making me extremely unattractive to the opposite sex, but I don't know what it can be.

I am feeling very....wrong after thinking and typing this.

Anyone experienced a such thing?

Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 11 Jun 2011, 6:45 pm, edited 2 times in total.

If it helps any I have the same problem at parties. I have great difficulty with small talk and being able to produce the stuff that makes people want to talk to you on that "get to know you" level.

I get excited when people at a party are talking about astronomy, or gardening, or an actual topic but when it is all that initial stuff I dont know what to do and I often find myself left alone unless I stick with one person during the party.

I have a long time ago behaved in outlandish ways at parties because that is an alternative to producing that sort of small talk. It gets people interested at least.

I usually make other women uncomfortable by my sex drive, without saying a word. It might be that.

Could it be your breath? One can have halitosis even with proper oral hygiene.

Yeah. It's as if there's something off about me, but I don't know what it is. I'm fairly intelligent and good looking, so I think it's something more subtle. It's probably what you said: a combination of body language and eye contact.

Whatever it is, I'm beginning to think I'll be staying single for a very long time.

at least you were getting out there on the dance floor, that's more then I've ever managed.

no, it's not, I don't smoke and i am kinda obssessive when it comes to this, and I always ask my sister if I am having any bad breath :p.

Exactly, it's like I am failing to 'capture' their attention.

this is indeed a common 'problem', i have it too.
all my housemates and platonic friends tell me i'm good looking and funny, and most are surprised i'm not single by choise, however, when it comes to it; i appear to be unapproachable...

I asked a couple of my female friends why they never were interested in me romantically. They all said "just something about you". When I try to get more info so I could work on whatever it was they kept saying the same thing. How can I know what to work on if they won't tell me? Frustrating. I'm not sure if they really did not know or did not want to tell me to be nice.

I also hear that people with AS give offa "bad vibe" because of our social awkwardness. Maybe thats it.

This happened this weekend.....again.

i'm missing what the problem is here. if you are not interested in picking those women up or dating them, then they will probably know that from your body language. so when you dance with them they will polite but will look around so they can see who else they want to dance with... perhaps even someone who will fancy them.

in my opinion, it seems like you are trying hard to be neutral and non-offensive, so the women will respond accordingly.

maybe spend most time dancing with a woman you actually want to pursue something with, and see if there is a different response from them. don't be afraid to have her notice it... i.e. dance a little closer (helps if you squeeze into a crowded spot on the floor so you are forced together, but not sooo close that it gets awkward), spin her on the dance floor to get some physical contact in there, find a few excuses to whisper/yell something in her ear, make a gesture when the song is over to see if she wants to keep dancing, and stay by her side if she will allow it after you are done dancing.... perhaps she will talk and have a beverage with you...

^ You never see a problem in anything lol.
Anyways, it happens with everyone: girls not interested in, platonic friends, just colleagues, girls just I met, girls interested in, girls I fancy, girls I might fancy .. ..all categories. Taken girls are the only ones who respond.

lol

i couldn't tell if you were ever dancing with girls you are interested in? if you are.... then you need to ramp up the body language (like my suggestions) much more than you would normally do with a 'taken' woman. maybe don't dance the same way with all of these categories of women. there, i acknowledged the problem right?

I have noticed that when the guy who I am in a relationship with walks up to people in a store, bar or restaurant to ask them a question, it is as if they don't hear him even though he speaks quite loud. Its like he startles them. This happens to both men and women. He once very politely said, "Excuse me sir, when did you serve" to a man that had on a tee shirt that had the Marine Corps Insignia on it. This guy looked completely baffled even though my boyfriend was pointing at the guys shirt. I said "Its your shirt, you were a Marine, correct?" Then he like totally snapped out of it and answered the question.

He has absolutely no hygiene issues, he dresses casually but in a way that is acceptable and he is extremely handsome. At first I thought they were startled by how handsome he is. But now I see that is not the case, they just sense that there is something a little different about him, and what can I say there is.

However, this something different is what actually attracts me to him. I wish I could put my finger on exactly what is different so that I could explain it to you. He does often look slightly anxious when approaching other people so maybe they sense that. When we are at home, he is much more relaxed.

I will say that he can appear to be a little arrogant when he is nervous and he doesn't smile much. Perhaps it is that you are in fact trying to be polite to these women and they see this as being indifferent. I noticed you described yourself as indifferent and friendly. Most NTs would not assoicate those things together. Indifferent and aloof go together. Engaged and friendly go together. If they feel you are indifferent and they are in fact single and looking for someone who is interested in them, this could be a big part of your problem.

However, I can tell you that he seems to have this issue as well with people sensing that there is just something a little different about him. I however adore him, it is not these types of things that are our problem. So there are those of us out there who like guys who are "a little different"

Yes, this sounds very much like me, maybe not exactly but pretty close. Though the setting is different, the last time I danced was at a club not a wedding. I didn't even have an intention of dancing but I was rather forcefully almost dragged out to the dance floor by an attractive lady who wanted to dance with me. Pretty soon she lost interest even though it was her idea. It felt like once I was out there her instincts picked up something amiss about me. I had attributed it to my nonexistent dancing skills but the more I think about it the less I am sure about it.

Later that night the two girls in the group I was with liked dancing with me. Both of them were decidedly not single.

I am also more hygienic than normal and am far more respectful in real life than on the internet. I doubt that I would be considered hideous or she would not have even wanted to randomly dance with me in the first place.

I notice it away from the dance floor, too. Though it is not confined to the opposite sex. There just seems to be some subtle "it" factor that prevents most people from wanting to try to connect with me for anything more than a casual acquaintance type relationship. I tend to be very laid back and almost never get into clashes with other people, it's not like they hate me more than they just can't like me or be attracted to me.

Crap, I have a wedding to go to pretty soon. Now I'll be thinking about this there.