"Chicks dig confidence."

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This whole diatribe of "Chicks dig confidence." is starting to annoy me. Not because it's untrue (it is true that women like confident guys), but because the people who say it are usually just parroting advice they heard online without really understanding what it means. Women are not attracted to confidence. They are attracted to a certain type of confidence that manifests itself as a vibe that one gives off as a result of genuinely being confident. You can't fake confidence; believe me, I've tried, and it didn't result in me getting any more attention from girls. I do, however, get lots of girls checking me out and maybe paying attention to me in other ways when I genuinely feel good about myself, and it radiates in my gait, my posture, etc.

Many of you seem to think confidence is some kind of magic spell, like if you just wallow enough in self-delusion about your attractiveness, then girls will automatically flock to you. No. You have to work for it. True confidence, the kind that women are attracted to, is not something you can just wish into existence. It's something that is built over several months, maybe even years. In my case, I've had to work for several years, with the help of medication for my social anxiety, to become the confident man I am now. I've made a lot of mistakes; I've made a complete fool of myself at times, especially when I faked confidence. I've had my self-esteem crushed to the point where it took months or years to build it back up. I am now able to deal with rejection and not have it hurt my confidence. I flirt with women on a regular basis, often with very positive results. I'm not yet at the stage of entering a committed relationship, but I've come a long way.

My point is, confidence is something you have to work at. Acting confident with no foundation and nothing to back up your self-image is not confidence; it's just arrogance. And using a facade of confidence to subtly fish for complements just betrays your deep insecurity. Women don't like arrogance. Believe me; I've acted arrogant with women, and they hated me for it. So do something to make yourself more attractive. Go to the gym. Replace your glasses with contact lenses, or even just more stylish glasses. Buy some polo shirts or button up shirts; they might be expensive, but you'll look great in them. Work on yourself, and eventually you'll be the truly confident guy you dream of being.

Cold hard truth that! The truth is if a woman is attracted to a man he has more of a chance with her if he is confident and goes up and talks to her. If she's not attracted to him, no amount of confidence makes a difference. She's not into him.

When I say that I like confidence I mean: "I wish that lovely guy wasn't so shy. I wish he'd talk to me."

I don't mean: "I wish that guy I'm not attracted to would talk to me."

How's either guy suppose to know which guy he is to you?

I assume all women find me unattractive because that's all I ever hear

What hurtloam said, the key element is to find you attractive.

All else is BS cliché....

Well there is no secret key, but you might as well make an effort than not. If you really like someone just go for it. If she likes you she'll love it.

She may not, but if you don't ask you don't get. Works the other way round too. If the bloke isn't interested, no matter how confident the lass is, she's gonna get a no.

Disagree. Shy guys that have confidence doesn't necessarily talk to or ask girls out. The preference to start with conversation instead of observation is not tied to confidence.

How is she ever supposed to get to know him then? She will assume he isn't interested and move on.

One cannot "observe" forever. Something has to give.

I agree that confidence is meaningless without context that justifies that confidence, now I don't think there are too many people attracted to anxiety and depression but confidence is earned not an entitlement. I'd feel better about myself and my life if my life and myself were better, go around in circles and ending up nowhere more times than not. To be honest, I don't find confidence that attractive and somewhat off-putting in certain circumstances but that's a statement about myself as how can someone else be so confident and even entertain the idea of being attracted to someone that isn't? I see my situation as pretty helpless, I just try to better myself and just hope everything else comes together.

If you lack confidence, you have to dig it out of its deep underground hiding place.

I was not confident when I got each one of my 3 girlfriends but being in each one of those relationships helped me become a little more confident. I still don't think I'm very confident but I wouldn't say I'm really unconfident either.

That's the problem.

People believe confidence = good social skills.

This does not automatically have to be the case.

I agree with what you're saying.

Most 'confident' people are seen as the charming, smooth-talker, extraverted types, but this is only one type of confidence.

I believe the meaning of confidence is by the definition, in that it is simply believing in yourself.

This may mean even if you don't make eye contact, even if you are socially awkward, you accept yourself for who you are, and are happy with who you are, and genuinely believe being this person can still work-out well for you.

Or it might just mean your social skills are completely normal, except you are quiet. Not shy, but quiet, by choice. Again, still confident, but you may be mistaken for shy.

That's what confidence is, but sadly this mentality is popularly looked down on (by you, and by many others).

It's supposed to be about not giving a sh*t, they say.

So, if I'm awkward, skinny/don't hit the gym much, and not quite 'normal' like everyone else, if I simply 'believe' I can do anything I set my mind to, realistically, and stop giving a damn about what others think of me, then I'm confident in myself and abilities.

Women may like to be friends with this guy, but they won't appreciate his confidence like he does and will probably just be attracted to the smooth-talkers.

Is it possible though to not find a balance and be both?

To be the best possible version of yourself, but remain true to yourself and your integrity?

If you're a male and don't particularly care about lifting weights, sports and 'getting ripped', why force yourself to?

Your best bet is to just prevent yourself from being overweight and/or lose body fat if you are.

If you actually like wearing glasses for stylistic reasons, it's better to replace them with more stylistic and trendy ones than go for contacts and always feel 'naked' without them.

And, while working on your actual social skills is of course important, why is it a bad thing if you make the occasional awkward blunders and errors here and there? We all do, including N.T.'s.

Finally, while acting confident without positive attributes to back-you up is not the best idea, some degree of faking confidence is necessary.

'Fake it till you make it' they say.

Simply being the best version of yourself materialistically/logically (talented at hobby/interest, hardworking at job, nice to people, fit and in-shape, good sense of style/fashion) may make you feel confident, but it's not enough to act on these feelings and actually be confident.

In the beginning, at least, you need an outlet to express this developing confidence, and faking/acting it is the first step.

Only when you act confident, even if you aren't, is when you can see what being confident will feel and look like.

Just as if you're an aggressive person and suppress it, only when you start to reveal your aggressive side would you see how it affects your life, friends and family.

Or if you suffer from severe depression, how would anyone realize you need help without knowing?

How will women know you're 'confident' because you live on your own in a good house, own a good car, have a good job and work hard, have a degree, etc.?

Show, don't tell.

You think acting confident and not working on yourself is a bad idea?

I believe working on yourself but not actively choosing to give off confidence is also a bad idea.

It's a mutual relationship...

Lastly, though this might just be me, your suggestions of 'advice' do no more than possibly make most males here feel that to be attractive there is some unrealistic and almost impossibly unattainable ideal they must strive towards.

Yes it takes many months, if not years, just to be the best person you yourself can be, let alone the best version of a human male in general.

Realistically, not everyone should strive towards being the James Bond and charmer types - and why should?

Be confident, but remember to stay imperfect, as your flaws make you human, and you'll always be flawed, your entire life, no matter what.

And, I define arrogance as either the extremism of confidence, or actually criticizing others.

Extreme confidence, is not arrogance to me.

Confidence is believing you are great, arrogance is believing you're the best, which in turn implies you believe you're 'better than others', because you can only be 'the best' if you are superior to others.

So, no, I don't believe being confident without having evidence of why you should be confident is arrogance, I simply believe it's 'blind' confidence.

But yeah, most people don't appreciate even blind confidence.

Being completely comfortable with who you are is the type of confidence that I think is attractive.

I would definite an arrogant person as someone who always expects other people to agree with them. They think their idea is the best and they treat you like a crazy person or get angry if you don't agree.

Strangely enough it can be rooted in low self esteem. They get overly hurt when someone else doesn't agree. Donald Trump is a good example. He really hates being made fun of, won't let the small hands comment go.

Arrogant people boss you around. They think they are being assertive. But there is a fine line between assertiveness and walking over other people's ideas and feelings.

I tend to think I'm right and others are wrong when I've taken the trouble to examine the issue at hand by means of evidence and logic, with a scientific mentality and without choosing in advance the conclusion I want to be true, and others just dismiss my reasoning with fallacies, without even trying to understand it and with no real arguments of their own. Especially when they express themselves in a way that implies the rational approach isn't even worth considering as an option.

These days, I think I've finally learned to keep my mouth shut most of the time when I find myself in such a situation, which is basically every time there's something to be discussed with someone.

If she does, it's for the better. I don't like the fast, shallow types.