Aspie infatuation could cause break up

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A little history...I have a boyfriend with Aspergers. We've been together four years and we have not had an easy time these last two years. Actually, two years ago is when he told me had high-functioning Aspergers and that is really when our problems started. Communication has been the problem because we have had so many misunderstandings that have escalated. One of them was a correspondence he had going with a girl who he had considered dating before we were together. He would have late night conversations with her while I was in bed. My first thought was cheating of course but, when confronted, he said she was in Europe on a different time zone and they were just friends. I explained to him that friends are fine but that I felt greatly disrespected. I'm not sure if he was able to understand why I was upset but I knew this girl still liked him. Without me asking, he never contacted this girl again. Now, he has two friends that are in the porn industry and I cant help but feel he has an infatuation with the female of the two. He talks of her every now and then and he might even compare her to me (she only weighs 100lbs, she is very healthy, etc). I grew up a christian and so my first thought is to not take company with people in such an industry (not judging them but I feel really uncomfortable). I really dont want to have anything to do with them but I know they are his really good friends. Is such an infatuation common with Aspies? It seems he is stuck on both the guy and gal. He keeps his cell phone with him at all times and even takes it to bed. He texts both of them a great deal. I feel I really have no place with such people and I dont know what to do if they relocate to our state. He doesn't have really any friends and so I dont want to bring something like this to his attention if unnecessary. I also know it will break his heart. He recently broke down that he was pathetic as far as friends and work went. At this point I'm running out of energy and I'm thinking of ending our relationship. I feel that its so hard for us to find common ground. It hurts to hear that I am compared or could possibly be compared to someone else and I dont know if comparing is something that is common for an Aspie.

Let him have his friends. As long as his talking to them does not interfere with the time you spend with him, what's the big deal?

I suspect that these porn people are likely to not even be real. I would guess they are just pretending for attention or to try to scam money out of people, or for a prank. He sounds like someone who has trouble making friends, why would it be easy for him to be friends with some people supposedly from the porn industry? Why would they want to be friends with him? Someone supposedly halfway around the world?

I can't tell you for sure if he's cheating or not, but I can tell you that for a group of people who don't make friends easily, we do sometimes fixate ourselves on ones we do have, especially in the first month or so of knowing them. It's not always even the persons themselves as it is simply the novelty of friendship, much like the new couple that do EVERYTHING together. For some aspie men, having women as friends is especially gratifying since, for us, women are just that much harder to know and understand.

"Come on," you're saying, "he's got ME, for one, and it's not like women are an alien species or anything, they're just people." Yeah, well, easy for you to say, but for a lot of aspie men, they practically ARE alien. And yes, you're right, he has you. And I'm not saying he doesn't appreciate you. But when you grow up thinking that you'll literally die alone because you don't know how to get a girlfriend or even talk to a girl without freaking out, there is something special about having one as a friend AND having one as a girlfriend.

So, should you worry? Again, can't say for sure. We're not immune to temptation, but we're not MORE likely than usual to succumb to it, either. If you're going to say you don't want him to have any women as friends, well...he'll likely do as you say. But is that fair? Does he disallow you to talk to men, and how would you react if he did? You guys need to figure something out.

I know i wouldnt like it. It sounds as if that part of his life is closed off to you and that doesnt sound healthy. It would be better if he had male, non porn friends.

Is he allowed any female friends that aren't in porn that have class and you know wouldn't do anything with him?

Most of the time the reason I end up breaking up with some one or they break up with me is because im a a**hole at times

Advice time.

The only way he is really going to get it is if he goes through what you are dealing with. Telling him will not really make it stop.

Try calling guy friends. Keeping your phone secure with you at all times. Texting them.

When he suddenly decides that he is jealous you tell him

"It's okay for you to do it so I just figured we're in that kind of relationship now!"

Then if it's not too late at night, look at your phone and say, I have some errands to run...be back in a bit!

Come back an hour later or more.

If he starts accusing you of cheating, inform him that talking on the phone with other guys and texting is not cheating...then say "or is it?"

"Isn't that what you are doing?"

Well if it is cheating then you're cheating on me.

Usually however when you do the same thing your S/O does that appears innocent if they accuse you of cheating then they really are cheating or planning to.

From there you can come up with what you are going to do. You can stay or leave.

If you are someone that requires emotional support and it hurts when you don't get that you might just be better off with someone who will provide that for you.

It isn't healthy either way.

In this case if the person has no idea what they are doing is wrong mere words are not going to stop it.

They have to feel the actual emotional impact themselves to get it. It then can either lead to sink or swim for the relationship which then could turn into something way more healthy than what is currently taking place.

Thanks for all your thoughts. I have a great deal of thinking to do. Also, they really are in the porn industry, I've seen the pictures sadly and they are kind of well known. I dont mind him having girls for friends but its very easy for him to escape to these people when we are not doing well. Which is a little scary because of what they do. I've met people like this before and they have very strong minds/ways. Almost anything goes and I have my own boundaries that keep my sanity. Seeing someone naked and then having everyday conversations with them doesn't seem right to me. Ahhh! So much thinking to do. Thanks everyone.

His friends decided to show up in town and they are all on their way for a three hour trip and he is coming back for work by 6:30am (three hours back). I told him that I'm not comfortable with his friends. I also told him that I didn't think taking a trip like this was a good idea. He has been fighting a cold for almost two weeks and he is sounding worse. Plus, he has to work a 10hr shift tomorrow. He told me his time with his friends is the most fun he has had in a long time. That he cringes every time he has to come home because of our situation. He doesn't think I love him. He had stated before that he thought I would just up and leave him one day. I had told him that I would never do that. I don't see what he sees. I dont think the relationship is as bad as that. We have our rough points but not every day. I just feel so lost. He told me that he thinks I would do better without him. He was in tears when he left. This is my first love and so its really hard. I dont want to just give up. I cried myself to sleep the other night just thinking of breaking up. Now he's gone till tomorrow at 5pm. I feel sick right now.

That's not a good sign. He is blatantly disregarding you. Make sure you aren't home when he comes back. He is showing signs that he could be cheating on you.

Part of me thinks he wants a single life because its easier. He's doing things single people do and is fleeing when we are having a rough patch. I remember I had to go to work one time we had a problem and he expected me to stay home and clear it up. But he can leave in the middle of the night for a trip. I don't know if he just doesn't get it or doesn't care.

You shouldn't be so soft on him over aspergers if that is even what is going on. You should not be treated like this. Just because he has aspergers doesn't give him the right to disrespect you like that. So it's the porn star "friend" he's hanging out with?

No sorry dear, that isn't what all aspie men do over aspergers.

I dont think a man like that deserves a girlfriend.