Boyfriend is stuck in his own world

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Lately I've been becoming increasingly frustrated that my boyfriend with Asperger's rarely acknowledges me in any meaningful way. He won't ask how I'm doing or make conversation outside of what he's interested in at the moment. It used to be quirky, but now it feels alienating to never feel like he's there. He'll spend hours talking about obscure topics, but I can't get him to take any interest in talking about me.

Do you feel like you've been this person, or that you've been around this person? I'd appreciate any advice you have on dealing with it. I can't deal with things being this way much longer.

Intense and obscure interests are part of AS traits.

My boyfriend also discusses his interests in-depth with me, and it can be hard to get him to calm down or change the subject for a while.
I take interest in the conversation and either contribute or else acknowledge what he's saying and try and learn something from what he's discussing.
I understand that it can seem very one-sided and drains all your focus sometimes and can be seen as being unfair to you etc.

Whenever I am not in the mood for my partners lengthy talks, or need his attention, I find it best to be frank and communicate clearly what my needs are.
I'll usually say something like "It's not personal, but I can't/don't really want to talk about ________ right now. Can we make some time to just talk about other things/whats going on in my life? And then maybe we can talk about _______ later?"
It's best to be clear, and have a set time to discuss things about you. That way what you want is more obvious and it's easier mentally to manage if things are put into a set time frame (even I myself find that, you could even have set times to sit and just listen about his interests, it might make it more manageable for you?).
But you should try and compromise with him. His interests are obviously important to him and he feels the need to talk about them with you, which isn't always a bad thing so long as he can set aside time to discuss what you want to talk about too.

In the end though, it all depends on both of you to reach an agreement and compromise so that you both get the attention from each other you both want.
Hope that helps somehow...

I can see how this can be frustrating. Have you explained what you need in a relationship clearly? If you've bluntly stated what you need and he's not trying, that's one thing but if you haven't talked to him about it he may have no idea whatsoever.

Also, is he able to meet your relationship needs. If he's unable or unwilling (both equally possible) you have to ask yourself about what you need. If there's room for compromise on his part and yours, the relationship could get better but if there's no room for compromise on either or both of your parts, it's lightly to stay the same.

People can forget that a relationship consists of two people, both needing to make equal effort to make it work. One person doing all/most of the emotional work doesn't make a relationship.

Anyways, before doing something rash I suggest to try talk gently with him being clear about what you need and listening to him. No shouting because you'll both get defensive, avoiding 'you' language ("You always....." or "You never.....") because you language causes a person to feel blamed and you both need to be able to say what you need, want and are capable of doing. Anything that introduces a need to defend yourselves can be a barrier to effective listening.

I have experienced both sides of the equation since I have been with only aspies in relationships thus far, including someone I see currently.
I, these days, tend not to talk about my interests at all, which makes me rather boring I imagine, as I am not good at starting conversations on other topics generally. I also tend to find it hard to ask how others are doing, or how their day has been and to show interest, which makes me feel horribly self centred.
He tends to talk on and on about his interests, which are generally the money system and coins and yes, I get very bored, and frustrated at times. But on the plus side, he does always ask how my day has been and what I've been doing, so there is some interest in my life.
I would gently point out your frustration and the reason you are frustrated, in a way that won't make him feel too bad, as aspies can take things very, very negatively I have found, if worded the wrong way.
I myself tried to bring up that I was always having to pay to feed us both, and the result is that he now wont share meals at all and insists we get our own food and that he will never eat someone else's meals again

My compliments to Sunflowerpip! Clarity in your communicating with your boyfriend might just be the only thing that can really help. I think the key is to make clear what your needs are, while maintaining an environment where he can feel safe. I tend to talk about my interests a LOT, and feel very insecure when people tell me to shut it down, shut up or just start laughing at me. My boyfriend has these little signals I can pick u on whenever he's done with a topic (kiss me, and still shut me up, but in a good way; simply say 'hey, I wanted to talk to you about...' etc.)

I can't really imagine what it's like to feel what you're going through, but I hope you and your boyfriend can find a way to balance things more. Good luck!

I wish I could do this in a way that would stick.

I've told him before that I wish he'd show more interest in me as a person; I feel more like a moving target to bounce words off of. I guess the thing is, I wish I didn't have to ask him every time I wanted him to say things like, "good morning," "how was your day," "why do you look so down?" His response is usually either that it would be "fake" if he did it because I asked, and that I should just understand implicitly that he cares without needing to engage me on a regular basis.

"I've already told you how I feel. Why do I need to tell you again?"

I appreciate the logic, but it doesn't make me feel any better.

"meaningful"?

. hmmm. you must have slipped from his interests.


why do you need to be talked about? you know more about yourself than he does i would suspect, so why are you surprised that he does not initiate any conversation about "you" with you?
you already know about "you", because you are "you", how could he have a new idea about you to tell you that you do not already know.



no. i never met you.

Have you explained that you feel a need for him to say these things? And explaining that you're not in his head, so you haven't got a clue about what he's thinking unless he says it.

If you've really tried to tell him directly and bluntly that these things are a need for you in a relationship (with him fully understanding), and he doesn't try to meet your need, it's a relationship issue but if he doesn't understand it's a communication issue. You have two choices (if he's unwilling to try), either stay and have your needs unmet or find a guy who can actually meet these needs.

Edited for gramatical error.

Last edited by LostAlien on 15 Jun 2011, 10:37 am, edited 1 time in total.

He may not understand or know how to act the way you want him to. It does not come naturally to him

To an aspie, talking about a person to the person can be completely pointless. What exactly did you want him to talk about you? Why would he talk about you? there's no point IMO.

Don't expect him to act like a neurotypical, and don't expect him to conform to NT standards of conversation topics.

If I was him, I'd think your need to have him talk to you about you strays into the territory of the need of ego stroking.

Just tell him to STFU and change the subject, I'd want to be told that if I was like him.

We're not all the same, we all react differently, some of us are similar but we're all different. Saying STFU to him may hurt him a lot more than you recieving the same sentence, not all of us have developed a thick skin regarding such wording.

I feel fairly confident that he understands what I (and 99% of people, for that matter) expect from him, but he hasn't taken it upon himself to learn how to get along with other people. I'm not sure whether it's a lack of initiative, confidence, or ability to put effort into learning basic conversation. Even short, awkward conversation apart from the usual monologue about the same topics would be most welcome.

I have to believe if he knew how to show interest in a person or hold basic conversation, he would do so. I don't think this situation necessarily merits leaving him if he can't immediately change. I wish there were a way to get him to the point where he would make the effort to try. Is it wrong to just wish that he would try?



He's going to have to learn to get along with the 99% of the world that does not have an autism spectrum disorder at some point in his life. Not being able to connect with the people around him is making his friends and family all sad that he never demonstrates any affection for them or interest in their well-being. Is it ego-stroking to be sensitive to these things? I certainly make the effort to learn his behavior and talk about what interests him. It sounds like what I'm being told is that I have to cut him out of my life or accept that any relationship with a person with Asperger's will be one-way, with all the concessions being made on my side. That sounds harsh to me.

I'm on the Spectrum and I'm in a relationship. Myself and my boyfriend work at our relationship a lot. If someone is unwilling to make an effort why should you keep on working at it. A relationship is a two person thing, if both parties make an effort it's great but if one person is doing all the work in a relationship and the other doesn't bother their arse it indicates problems (varying from communication issues to lack of respect issues).

I never said that he shouldn't try, I said that if he's not going to try, why should you do all the effort in the relationship?

I'll wager he doesn't like engaging in "pointless" conversations because he hates it. And it's very difficult to get an aspie to do anything that they absolutely hate doing. He'll only resent you for it.

many Aspies think they do not need to demonstrate affection because people should just "know". Some have touch issues, some have issues expressing themselves emotionally. That in particular cannot be fixed without some heavy duty therapy.

I'm not saying that it -is- begging for an ego-stroking, but that's likely how an aspie would see it.

I know you mean well, but you CANNOT force him to connect with others. Trying to force the issue will only result in resentment. He may perceive your actions as attempts to "control" him.

He is what he is and there's only so much that can be changed, if he is willing. If he's not, and you can make no progress on this front, then maybe it's better you both went your separate ways.

Who initiated the relationship?

I ask myself this question all the time.



I first asked him out a few years ago; he was just too shy to ask me himself, then.

Perhaps you're right. Nothing I've tried has had any results. I've been told Imago therapy, a relationship therapy teaches a form of active listening and is applicable to many people on the autism spectrum, can be helpful. But it's also very, very expensive.