Communication issue? Please someone help me . . .

Post Reply New Topic

I have an issue involving communication with my boyfriend. I don't know why the communication breakdown is taking place. I really don't understand the point of his questioning. I feel that he has me under a microscope and I'm being pushed to explain myself. I do have a tendency to get defensive when I feel that I am being criticized. Am I taking things the wrong way? Is this a cultural difference?

Context: I am having financial difficulties due to poor decisions resulting in debt over the years. He is aware of this, and the fact that I changed my behavior about 4 years ago and have since been cleaning up the mess. The reason I told him about my debt is because I am hoping that our relationship will lead to marriage in the next couple of years, and I want to bring finances out in the open with the understanding that couples who don't talk about money before marriage often end up divorced. I have been completely honest with him, and provided him with detailed information about my finances, stopping short of providing him with an assets, liabilities, and net worth worksheet. We have also discussed how I came to be in such debt.

Issue: he continues to ask questions and I feel that I am being interrograted. For example: when I was looking to buy a car 6 years ago, a good friend referred me to her uncle (he owns a dealership). She thought that maybe I could get a good deal since she referred me. I bought a new car from him. Knowing what I know now, I would have bought a pre-owned one instead. I paid more than I should have for the car. I didn't realize that either at the time. My boyfriend and I have talked about this before, discussing the benefits of buying used versus new, and how to shop around for a car and negotiate. I have assured him that I will not make the same mistake twice. However, last night when I mentioned having my friend over for dinner, he asked if that was the friend that referred me to her uncle to buy a car. I told him yes. He proceeded to ask me numerous questions as to how and why I came to the decision to purchase the car from her uncle's dealership. For example, was I promised a discount? Did I receive any benefits such as free oil changes for life? Why would I drive to a town 40 miles away to purchase a car, when there are dealerships right here? I got irritated and defensive, and told him. "Sometimes the answer is I made a mistake. It is as simple as that". He said he was just trying to understand. He does the same thing on occassion with my student loans. When I get defensive, he talks about the importance of learning from our mistakes and if we forget about our mistakes, then maybe we don't learn from them. I don't need him to remind me of my mistakes. In fact, I am working hard at not continually beating myself up about past mistakes, and just focus on what I can do now.

He does not have any debt (never has) and is very frugal. He has said that he cannot fully understand the student loans because he is from Germany and his college education was free (with the exception of books). He has only been in the U.S. for 2 years, and is still trying to understand how things work here. However, his English is very good. We have been in a long-distance relationship for a year and a half, seeing one another once a month in person, and on Skype webcam 5 - 7 times a week.

I suspect he doesn't consciously mean to criticize you but he has a need to know every single step of why you made any decision for him to fully understand it, and he feels unsatisfied with any kind of "well, i just did" answer. In his mind, he truly wants to help you get to where you want to be, and he wants to pinpoint exactly where, in his opinion, you went 'wrong' so he can go "ah HA! That's the problem, that exact thing!" You didn't mention if he's on the spectrum or not, but a dislike of vagueness is definitely a symptom.

So if you don't want to talk about it and go over every thought process you had in detail, I'd suggest saying, "Listen, I'm willing to tell you everything I was thinking that day, but now's not a good time because it makes me upset to think about it, OK?" That should, hopefully, satisfy him for the moment.

Is he AS? It sounds a bit like a need to over analyze. Which in turns seems to be how some people try to handle things they simply cannot get comfortable with. I guess he is demonstrating that he really is worried about how finances will always go for you.

I think I would cut it off head on, repeating what you've already said about mistakes, and then adding that you don't feel breaking it down further will be of any help to your learning process. Say he is going to have to accept that you have made errors in judgement with finances and despite you best efforts may do so again. People have faults, and it upsets you to dwell in the past on this issue. He will need to find a different way to get past it in his own head.

And then you hold firm. Repeat the speech when he goes into analyze mode, until he really does find another way to resolve his feelings over it.

Truth is he probably will never understand, and that happens in life. Couples can and do move past these things; there certainly have been enough between my husband and myself. But one thing I've learned: over analyzing it isn't the answer and the sooner he accepts that, the sooner he can find something more effective. The previous poster is right on what he is probably trying to do, but if you've been down that road already and there are still questions, it's time to accept there will always be questions, the faster you get there the better. IMHO.

Sacrip and DW_A_Mom, what you are saying makes sense. I will try to better understand his need for more information in order to process things. I think he does have good intentions. He just doesn't seem to know when to stop, and I tend to bottle up my growing feelings of defensiveness until I can't take it anymore and explode. He doesn't seem to catch on when I am getting increasingly upset, and is always surprised. I will also try to stop him from persisting when it is upsetting me.

My boyfriend is an electrical engineer and his hobby is ham radios. I don't know if he is on the spectrum, but I do know his approach to life is very logical and analytical. He needs a lot of detailed information and time to make a decision. For example, he has been researching for 3 weeks now in the process of deciding which brand and style of sunglasses to buy. This is not due to indecisivenes. He is thoroughly gathering information and taking into consideration every factor because he wants to buy sunglasses that will last for several years and that he will be satisfied with. If it were me, a week's worth of research and comparison would be sufficient.

Again, thank you for your advice. I like your suggestion as to what to say in those situations. I think that would satisfy him long enough for me to calm down and think about how to have the conversation with him in a constructive way.

There are a few options here.

1. He is really just curious how your thought process works and is just trying to understand it. I occasionally hammer my roommate with questions because I've become curious of his thought process on a matter and come to find out he feels like I'm being critical and disapproving of him when I do this, though it's not my intention to be so.

2. He does disapprove, he obsesses about things that bother him and has an unforgiving streak.
My grandfather did this. He would randomly bring up subjects he'd been stewing about, interrogate a person on them....even if he had already done so before, and repeatedly demand to know why the person did what they did despite the person already giving him an explanation. His ultimate goal wasn't really to understand why the person did what they did, but to hammer the person into the ground to satisfy his anger with them and the situation.

3. He doesn't trust you have learned from your mistakes.

You should send this to him and ask him which option it is. If it's option 1, he should only visit the subject once. Once all is explained to him, he shouldn't bring it up again. If it's option 2, he probably has a personality disorder and I'd think twice about marrying him. If it's option 3, he needs to learn to be a little more trusting and you should insure him that if married, you will manage the finances together and discuss all big financial decisions before they are made. Or if he wishes and you are ok with it, he can manage the finances himself.