Please, I really care for him, but how to explain...?

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I am a girl and I have been clinically diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome, and I'm dating an NT guy. We've been dating for 3 months, and I've known him for a year. We have so much in common, but personality wise we are polar opposites. There is a lot of miscommunication, but it's usually over little things. He is aware of my AS. I like that he has a great memory, and he helps me remember tiny details that I've forgotten. He is honest and very blunt and I like that aspect too.

One thing that is happening right now is that I go to school and he works, so we don't see very much of each other. I like spending time with him, even if we do separate activities in the same room. I like that he holds me tight with just the right pressure. However, we've spent a vast majority of our spare time together, and I'll spend days and days away from home, or I'll come home late and be exhausted. I go to sleep unfulfilled because I don't do my usual things at home, so I wake up the next morning feeling really anxious and uncomfortable. I try to fit my routines in the mornings, but it feels really off. I need time to myself in the evenings on a more constant basis. These routines include checking all my websites in order (Facebook, email, art site, game site, nerd site, japan site, comic site, anime site, Harry Potter site, humor site, and then back to my Facebook and email for one last check), using my PS3 for Netflix or a game, cleaning my room and checking my bookshelves, going in the bathroom to groom, and eating specific foods my mother buys me. I can't do any of those things while out with him or at his house, even though he's offered his laptop to me, and he has Netflix as well, it's not the same.

So I asked for the weekend to catch up, so to speak. I phrased it as "time to myself". He was really confused and reluctant, but offered me a whole week (til next Friday) for my "me time". That was Friday morning, on the 9th. I was relieved that he understood, and spent the whole day doing all the things that I usually only spend my evenings on. I felt so relaxed and unwound, though I did miss being around him. I wrote in my journal how my day went. Then the next day, on the 10th, I woke up still missing him, but still unpressured to do the things in my routine. I showered and groomed, fixed myself lunch from the pantry, and then spent the entire Saturday watching Scrubs (the only long-running live-action show I like). I wrote my first journal entry that wasn't about him.

Midnight (a couple hours ago) he called me. He sounded unhappy. He asked if I was going to call him, and why I've been so silent. He claimed that it seemed like I genuinely didn't care about him since I was so happy being by myself. He asked that if he didn't call me for the weekend, would I be unhappy? I said that something like that wouldn't bother me. He was not happy with my answer. We've agreed to meet tomorrow to see each other. He said he wanted to hug me like crazy. He never says that.

How can I tell him more specifically about my "me time"? He said verbatim "I don't understand it." I've already clarified it, and I've told him that I have lots of introvert traits as well, that I don't feel energized being around people all the time. I need "time off to recharge". But he is skeptical.

Please help me. I'm sorry this was long.

be consistant in ur answer and ur reason

anytime someone changes their behavior it freaks their loved ones out
"asking for alone time" is one of those freak out moments

this is true for NTs and Aspies and just makes ur loved ones ether

A. cling to u like a baby monkey on ur back (this also gets interperted as being needy but its usualy just out of concern)

or

B. act insulted and distance themselves from u

explain that u need some alone time to "recharge" as u say and if he cant handle it well explain u need him to understand, if he again argues wtih u about it
well sadly ur best opinion then is to move on, i was in simular situation a few days ago and decided that it be best if i moved on

but i realy hope it doesnt come to that for you, best of luck

Erect your boundaries and stick to it, the sooner the better.

If you put his need for a hug over your own need for alone time and recreation, a disturbing imbalance will arise sooner or later.

A need for a hug is not an emergency, but probably only a childish attempt to test whether you are really serious about your decision.

The fact that he "can't understand it" doesn't matter in this context. You could try to explain your needs/preferences to him, but in return he has to accept this, whether he understands it or not.

NT's often use the term "i don't understand it," as a synonym for "i don't want it."

Hi.

Try and work out a compromise. You need some 'me time' but do you really need a whole week? Do you need to go the whole week with no contact whatsoever?

I think he might be a little confused about what's happening. He might be thinking that you're losing interest in him. To be honest I don't know why he even offered you a whole week off unless you asked for it. You're not a battery! You can't just recharge for a bit and go back to months of full contact.

I think you need to try and come up with a somewhat regular routine that satisfies both of you. Have some time for youself and some time for each other. Have you considered spending time at your house instead of his?

When he asked you about phonecalls... I don't think "I can get by without you" is really what a boyfriend wants to hear. It may be the truth but it comes across a bit rude and uncaring in my opinion. Have you considered calling him once in a while, or finding other ways to communicate when you're apart?

It's important you get your own space and ultimately he will have to deal with this as a regular thing if you really want to be comfortable with the relationship. It's also important that he understands you still care about him. It would not surprise me that he'd be confused about the whole thing. He's probably thinking "she can do all that stuff here with me. why doesn't she want to?" I feel you need to try and explain this a bit better for his sake. Maybe you can express to him that it doesn't quite satisfy you for some reason.

If he brings up the phonecall situation try and explain that you feel comfortable enough with the relationship that you don't need to call so regularly.

Last piece of advise is don't forget to ask for and listen to his side of the story. Work together and come up with a compromise. Try it out and if it doesn't work come up with another solution.

Hope this helps. Good luck.

Thank you for the quick replies, this forum is much more understanding... I just wanted to say that first.

I spoke with my boyfriend and we've tried to reach a compromise. It's still incomplete, but I hope that it can help him understand that I do want to be with him. He will spend time at my house while I do my activities. He explained that he didn't mind sitting with his laptop and doing a few things on his own while I did my things. I had failed to notice that he does that sort of thing with this two best friends all the time, that they will sit in the same room, but do different activities separately, and that doesn't bother him. I'm going to try and make that a regular thing during the week.

@PTSmorrow: Should couples not test if one wants the other around or not? He says he lost sleep over me, because he couldn't figure out why I wanted time away from him. I wonder if he's linking it to "Whenever girls need a break, it usually means they're too chicken to actually break up" and if he's nervous about that... is that a correct connection? I could try to reassure him that I'm not doing that. I find myself having to reassure him a lot, that I'm not doing certain things to upset him, and that I care for him in my own way.

@ThePerfectStorm: No, I didn't need a whole week, all I needed this time was about 2 days for the recent times where I spent 95% of my spare time together. He was the one that offered me a week long when I only asked for the weekend. But the fact that he called at midnight last night only proved that he wasn't happy with his own decision. And as far as sounding rude, I was only being truthful like he requested me to be. And that means "tell all the truth, in detail, and without omission, including how I really feel about something." He does the same with me, and we've agreed that sometimes hearing the truth can hurt. But it's better than covering it up and being hurt later when the truth is revealed.

I've agreed to see him today, and I hope to clear up this. I look forward to his hug :)

Good luck mooniestar. Let us know how it goes!

Thank you everyone. My weekend was successful and my boyfriend told me this as well, so it's confirmed. We went to his friend's house and spent the night there, and I brought lots of books and made sure to bring my charger for my PSP. Having those things with me made me feel much less anxious, and nobody thought I was bored (that's usually what would happen over there). We also went to sleep at a decent hour and therefore I was less irritable. I even got to have my favorite food. Overall, it was a very good experience : ) Plus it helped that my boyfriend couldn't stop hugging me because he missed me so much and I liked that a lot.