An odd dilemma

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There is this girl who I've been going out with (A), and while things haven’t progressed much, I’ll have to decide soon whether or not I’m serious about her (we're going on another date tonight). I have more in common with her than I have with anyone I’ve ever met, which is appealing. I think that she’s aspie as well... and her dad definitely is.

The dilemma is that I’m beginning to develop feelings for my best friend (B). I met her just a few days later, but we’ve spent a lot of time together during that time. She’s definitely NT, but she tolerates (and even appreciates) my aspie traits since her brother has Aspergers, so she’s used to dealing with people like that.

I haven’t known either for very long (met them both at the start of the semester), but I’m not exactly sure what to do.

A few things to consider:
1. I have never had a girlfriend in my life. If I mess this up, I probably won’t find one for a long time (especially since I go to a tech school with a very bad gender-ratio)

2. I’ve never had a best friend either... and there’s no way that I want to risk messing that up, so I’ll have to be absolutely sure that she’s interested (in other words, likes me more than just a friend) first, which won’t be right away. Times like this make me really wish I could "read" people (properly interpret non-verbal language) like NTs can.

3. But during that time I’ll need to decide whether or not I’m serious about A. I do like her a lot though.


My mind is telling me that I shouldn’t try to pursue a relationship with A, but I already know that she is interested.

If B is interested, I definitely see more of a basis for a real long-term relationship there, as she is closer to my age and someone who appreciates me for who I really am is far more appealing than someone who appreciates me for being like them. A relationship based on a strong pre-existing friendship is greatly preferable. Finally, I am getting older (I’m in my mid 20s), so the possibility of a long-term relationship is very appealing.


So, what should I do?

Okay, I'm a bit biased since I just broke up with someone. But what I get from your message is that you are doing a lot of thinking about how to maximize your chances of picking the best person to have a relationship with. What seems to be missing is what you could contribute to the relationship that would fulfill the other person in the relationship. I think you have to care about the other person's needs, desires, and issues if you are going to have a successful relationship. It can't just be a matter of deciding whether or not YOU would benefit more from choosing A or B. To care or love someone must also have to do with what you can do to improve the other unique person's quality of life. This aspect of reciprocity usually comes naturally to people as they think about their loved one's individual needs and desires and thoughts and issues.

If "B" is truly your best friend, you can talk about anything with her. I would suggest you approach the subject with her when the time is right.....and with as much casualness as you can muster. Something along the lines of "do you ever wonder if our relationship will go to the next level?"

Be prepared for three diffferent answers: yes, no, indecisive/inconclusive. If the answer is no, ask her how she would feel if you started dating someone. If the answer is yes or vague, suggest you two explore that possibility.

This could quite possibly be the most difficult conversation you may have with "B" and would leave most NT's feeling quite vulnerable. It's all about your level of trust. Remember, friends will be as kind as possible.

"Nothing happens is nothing moves...." Have the discusssion.

Good luck,
She Devil

I think you should continue with the relationship based on the friendship.

your over analysing things to much......have 2 women on the go and dont feel guilty about it, hell we have all donr that.

I think that anandamide is probably right.

I should first find out exactly what A expects from the relationship to make sure its one worth getting into. If it isn’t one of strong mutual benefit, it wouldn’t really be worth following. Likewise, if it is I should stay with it since there is already somewhat of a bond there.

I married my best friend. She's still my best friend. Just don't let romance get in the way of being a friend to A, either way.

I remember when I developed feelings for a best friend, told him and this ruined our friendship. Having said that, this doesn't mean this will happen to everyone.

I reckon you should stick with 'A' for the time being at least and give her a chance, because from what you have said she sounds great. As far as your best friend goes, you have to decide whether your feelings for 'B' are real or not (I'm not being funny here but sometimes its extremely difficult to tell real feelings from fictitious ones). If the friendship as it stands means that much to you, you must tread carefully with this one. Your ideal partner should be your best friend as well as you lover/partner in my mind. Situations like this can, the vast majority of the time, sort themselves out.

I know it can be a bit of sod having feelings for two people at the same time. I was in this predicament very recently. Basically, I developed some feelings for a guy at work and was over the moon when he kissed me at a works do. I then discovered when I went back to work on the following Monday that he lived with his girlfriend who he had been seeing for years. When he came back off his holiday I confronted him over it. He told me that he didn't feel like he was in a relationship with her and that he doesn't love her and that she knows about it. I believed him so I saw him a couple of times. During this time, around about the end of June, I met Paul through a friend of mine. We chatted and clicked within minutes of meeting each other. Every time I saw him after that, I felt great when I was around him as we always laughed and I love his company. I was still sort of seeing the guy from work. I then met his unsure whether or not girlfriend. She was clearly in love with him and still felt they were in a relationship. She was beauiful and lovely in every way. This really got to me and deeply upset me. So I found myself wandering around Manchester up to the early hours of the morning and I was heading in the direction of Paul's place but couldn't find it. I then had to be in work the next day so decided to head home.

Sometime later me and this guy had a few chats which put things into perspective for me. He hadn't told me the whole story (which I kinda knew anyway), and the long and short of it was this. He was understanding of my AS and told me that he cared for me a lot. But he also said that we would only split up after about a year if we were to date as we are both stubborn and he viewed me as moody. So I decided to put no more emotional effort into him if he could already see the demise before the beginning, pointless in my mind. At this point, my feelings for Paul were developing quite rapidly. All I ever felt from him was a lot of positive vibes. I knew at this point how he felt about me because he had told me. But I couldn't tell him until I was totally over the guy from work (who I got over surprisingly quickly but I am still friends with him) so I kept it to myself for a bit. However, I wanted to get to know him more. So I went for some pub grub with him one night. I also invited him round to mine for a meal and he did with me. I also went and stayed round his a couple of times. In this time I found myself forgetting about the guy at work in that way and my full focus turned to Paul. I waited until it was the right time to tell him, I did and we are now seeing each other.

All in all, I feel that the feelings I had for the guy at work were fictitious (I'm basing this on the fact that I got over him so very qickly, 1 and a half weeks to be exact) and that I was merely sexually attracted to him rather than emotionally. With Paul its not just a sexual attraction, but I'm attracted to him because of everything that he is (because he's him basically). I have proper emotional feelings for him. I usually have difficulty expressing emotions like this, with Paul I don't. He is understanding of my AS and he likes me because of who I am. He is just great and I definitely made the right choice without actually making it. I think this is an example of a situation sorting itself out, in my case, for the beeter because I'm really happy with him.

I hope this helps you in some way and that you take something away from my situation and apply it to your own.

Still lots more to think about, but I can say that in neither case is the attraction chemical (from prior experience I know that situations where I feel strong chemical attraction to a person should be avoided)

...and regardless of what happens, I still want to be friends with both of them since they are both really great and interesting people.

All other things being equal, my advice would be to stick to dating A, since you are already dating her, and she is, as you write, interested in dating you, too. She may have built expectations of you, her, and the future on the basis of that, and B presumably hasn't. Also, you mention that you wouldn't want to lose B as a best friend and that you therefore would have to take some time to make sure she is interested. You can't really go on dating A during that time - wouldn't be quite fair towards her.

You mention, however, that you might prefer B since "someone who appreciates me for who I really am is far more appealing than someone who appreciates me for being like them." But don't you think that the two are not incompatible - i.e. that A might appreciate you as someone much like her in some respects, and as yourself at the same time?

But perhaps in your heart of hearts you already have decided to "jump trains" and pursuing a possible relationship with B. In which case, mention it to A quickly and don't leave her dangling for too long.

If you're having second thoughts about A, and you want to see B, then I don't see anything wrong in that.

But you need to let A know if you don't feel right about her (but don't mention B).

Tim

Situation resolved.


...B is a lesbian.

I knew that she and her partner were good friends, but I'm still really disappointed.

Though I guess I shouldn't be surprised since I knew that they were living together (and her partner followed her all the way from another state).

But at least this means that neither friendship is jeopardized.

Told you these situations tend to have a habit of resolving themselves didn't I? Good luck with everything between you and 'A'.