How to create love in your relationship

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Hi guys,

This is my first time posting on this forum, and indeed the first time I have reached out to anyone about my Aspergers.

I've been with my partner for 5 years now, I'm 25 years old. When we met, I was 19, and had only just realised I had Aspergers (my parents hadn't told me I was diagnosed at aged 5) - at that point, a lot of things really started to make sense to me, and my emotional distance with other people grew larger as I attracted the wrong girls / ended up in bad situations etc.

I decided to take action, and studied how to build social connection from a dating coach online for about 4 months. It worked wonders and my social confidence and status sky-rocketed, to the point where I knew exactly what to do and how to conduct myself when I met my now fiance.

Over our 5 years, I've had a lot of family changes in my life. Most notably my mother moving back to the UK (I'm currently in Australia) and my family breaking apart due to a bad marriage. I'm now in Melbourne with my partner, with very little close support from anyone.

We took a bad turn last weekend, with the main catalyst being that I have lost control of how to deal with my own head. She's lost faith in my support because she knows I've become unable to control myself.

I have SEVERE OCD when I'm like this, my mind is a sea of metrics and self-competitiveness. I find it very hard to connect with the outside world, and find great comfort in over-analysing EVERY SINGLE social connection in my life, to the point where i struggle to order a coffee without thinking what the barista thinks of weird ass order. My emotional mind is completely switched off because I'm struggling so hard to understand who I am and what I'm meant to be doing on this earth. I have only just organised to see a psych to sort this stuff out.

At this point, I'm reaching out to you good people to understand how I can create that love and compassion again with her to get back on track. I fear that if I void out my emotional brain much longer, she will give up on me.

What do you do to stay emotionally connected / practice empathy?? Any advice would be greatly appreciated! Ps. This is my first time reaching out to any fellow "aspies" as I now know we're called!

Connor

You cannot practice "empathy". It's an integral part of everybody, and don't be fooled by the talk that autistics lack empathy. They have problems to read other's emotions, not to be emotional.

I think you need to stop acting so much and relax. You don't need to handle every social situation in a perfect way, and instead of all your logical thinking, you should automize a few relevant social scenarios so you can do them without having to think about it, and then act naturally on the rest. People aren't as sensitive as you think about how people act in social situations.

Last edited by rdos on 27 Jun 2018, 3:06 am, edited 1 time in total.

posted: june 26, 2018

date joined: june 27, 2018



uhhh???

^ he's in Australia.
We live in the future.

Welcome, fellow Victorian

I don't think I have any good advice. But I have one idea that just sort of popped into my head as I read your post, so I may as well run it by you.

Eye contact - do you have eye contact issues? If so, do you find it too intense to look people in the eye for extended periods? Does this issue extend to your partner?

Basically, my idea is to spend some time making eye contact with her. Because for me, it can be awkward to do with people I only know on a platonic basis, but with my partner the intensity is a positive thing. It can stimulate my emotional feelings towards the person.

So I'm suggesting it not as some complex solution or anything, but just as a...springboard? A jumping off point, a boost, to get the emotional connection started or back on track.

This is probably the weirdest bit of advice I've ever given on this forum, so feel free to ignore it!

Rdos - I get exasctly what you mean by relaxing. Your last point about people not being as sensitive to my actions; I've actually written that on my window, I feel like that's something I can definitely live by.

And eye contact is certainly something I get! When I make more eye contact with her, I feel like we connect more. When I don't, it's because I'm curling into myself so to speak. I like your springboard!

Right. That's my primary ND-radar with women. NT women will mostly avoid eye contact with strangers that they are not talking to, but NDs will typically like to steal looks. Did it yesterday, and afterward found out that the girl had an ASD diagnosis.

I agree with everyone that suggested for you to relax.