Ashamed of fussy eating habits around new boyfriend

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I have recently got into a new relationship with someone I have been very good friends with for 5 years. It is going great, apart from one thing that is proving to be a major issue for me. I am an extremely fussy eater which is something I have been laughed at for my whole life - in previous relationships things have been so bad that I have found myself sneaking biscuits when my ex was in the toilet because I couldn't face eating in front of people.

My boyfriend is a strict vegetarian and has quite sophisticated eating tastes - total opposite to me as I can't eat most veg because of the textures. I find myself feeling totally ashamed to eat around him and feel very anxious at the mere mention of food. I have quite a big appetite, normally have 3 meals a day at least and I am currently starving myself because I am so embarrassed by my eating habits around him. It is nothing he has done, he just wants me to be happy and I know it is all in my mind but it doesn't make it any easier. I feel that my suggestions for eating places are so out of the ordinary that I will always be disagreed with. I hate pizza, so if he goes to those sort of places the only thing I can have is chips. I am too embarrassed to cook my own food in front of him in case he makes fun of me. But it is making me ill and I am constantly feeling weak and dizzy through not eating. I just tell him I am not hungry. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to discuss it with him, as it is not his fault and I know it is all in my head but it is so hard for me.

Anyone have any ideas?

About this kind of thing, I've found talking helps a great deal. I know that you don't feel comfortable with talking about it though. I've noticed with my partner that sometimes when I don't talk about something, he used to think I was upset with him on some level and vice versa.

Now, specifically regarding your health, it may be a good idea to take some form of multi-vitamin until you get this sorted and lots of water (about three pints of water throughout a day).

I know that you don't feel great about eating in front of your bf but he's known you for five years, he probably knows that something is up and probably has seen you eat before the two of you started dating. Perhaps it would be a good idea to ask yourself 'Why now do I feel like this?'.

Good luck.

I'm the sameeee. although not that much of a fussy eater anymore. but i won't eat anything that's remotely spicey or looks weird (sometimes i take an instant disliking to things just by looking at them). and i get extremely self conscious eating in certain situations and infront of certain people.
once i dated this guy and it got so embarrassing. like he got hungry once whilst we were out but i didn't want to eat inside somewhere so we sat outside even though it was the middle of the night and october haha and i only ordered chips because that was all i felt comfortable eating. another time i met him for his lunch hour and we went to a fish&chip place and i insisted on sitting next to him instead of opposite him because i didn't want to be watched eating. he laughed the whole time at the madness of it but it's still slightly embarrassing to think of. the only occassion i didn't mind eating infront of him was at his house, but even then i got all anxious beforehand about what he'd make/if he'd give me too much/if i'd be able to eat it etc etc. He was a bit more fancy than me too (not hard) so i always felt stupid for not really knowing much about food/eating at nice places and stuff.

i have no solutions, just sympathy

Communication is the key. Have you spoken about this to your boyfriend? If he is at least aware, he will be sympathetic to your needs and be willing to work with you. Maybe you could both come up with some ideas so that you don't feel such misery. Maybe you could practice having only a cup of tea or a cool drink in front of him, then maybe a few crackers along with that drink? The important thing is that it becomes something BOTH of you can work on, and not be a situation where you are clearly unhappy and miserable without support from your boyfriend. And, you will be giving your relationship a chance to deepen with this experience. Good luck!

oh god. this is so much like me. i am more adventurous now but i was always so embarrassed to eat in front of people. i went for years without hardly ever eating in public.

it was for a few reasons - i wasn't raised with very good manners, plus i am clumsy so i make a mess. also, i used to get grossed out watching/hearing other people eat sometimes.

i'm a lot better now as i just make a joke about being sloppy or uncouth or something and it's not so bad. but people sometimes won't tell me if i have, like, a smudge of food on my face or whatever. i think they don't want to embarrass me, or in one case a friend just found it funny/cute. but i'd rather they said something.

OP, it is definitely best to talk to your new boyfriend before your health deteriorates further. my own issues caused something similar to anorexia when i was a teenager (didn't care about being thin, but my food issues kept me from eating enough and i got sick). he may be very understanding and supportive of you, plus hiding it from him is doing you some harm, and it will eventually harm your relationship too.

Lots of people enjoy eating at new places. Imo, the weirder the better Also, if your boyfriend is strict veggie, he's probably used to people quizzing him about what he eats and having to find places that cater to his diet.



Tell him that! I know lots of people who dislike pizza. It wouldn't be my food of choice either.



Again, he's a vegetarian! I'm one too and trust me, we've heard every comment under the sun about our rabbit food... He may joke, but it will just be playfully poking fun; I doubt it will be nasty. My bf and I slag each other off about our meals all the time (he's a big fan of 'creative' cooking...)



You poor thing. Seriously though, what happens when the relationship gets more serious and you start spending more and more time together? If you don't eat, you'll faint!

I'm sure he'd rather just hear that you're a strange-eater than a non-eater; lots of guys complain about girls who go for meals and don't order anything so it'll probably be a relief to hear that you do eat after all!

It is not a new thing - When I first started going to stay with him as a friend I used to go days without eating, and I used to feel such great anxiety when I was away from home that I physically could not eat. It is becoming a greater issue now as we are spending a lot more time together though, and I don't want to wreck the relationship over something this stupid by not doing something about it and letting it get worse and worse. I have talked to him quite openly about my problem, and he is very supportive...but it is still really difficult to put it into practice. I also worry that if I eat more than once a day I will look like a greedy fat pig because other people don't seem to eat as many meals as I do or else they eat much healthier and more grown-up foods.



It's not so much that I'm into 'wierd' places - if anyone suggested something like a sushi restraunt I would run away. It's just that my tastes are so limited and that's why I'm embarrassed. I will go to pretty much the same type of places ALL the time, like fast food places and only thing remotely adventurous I will eat is chinese, and feel like a fussy child. Most places I go there is only one or maybe 2 options for me if I am lucky and it is the most basic stuff imaginable like chicken nuggets and chips

As for the cooking issue - I seriously can't cook anything from scratch, only frozen food and next to a veggie who can cook all kinds of interesting stuff I am embarrassed. I cooked my own food once and he told me a few days later I was doing it wrong and I felt stupid.

Got an appointment with my psychiatrist next Monday, but I don't know if there is anything she can do to help other than some sort of appetite suppresors to stop me feeling weak and hungry all the time. I really hate myself for this

This is exactly the same for vegetarians though, so if he finds your diet fussy he's being a bit hypocritical. And sure, even if he does, it's not the end of the world; one would hope the relationship's based on a bit more than your eating habits!


If all she gives you are diet suppressors, she should be struck off. That is not her job; her job is to help you develop a healthier mindset towards yourself and what you eat!

I am glad that you are seeing your psychiatrist. Because reading this post tells me that there is a deeper issue going on that is more than feeling uncomfortable about food issues around your boyfriend. I am willing to bet that you have an eating disorder. I had this issue too, and it does get better with the proper help. One of the signs of an eating disorder, is the fact that food has assumed enormous importance in your life, and is actually impacting on your daily activities with detrimental results.

I'm glad that you're going to see someone about this. I don't think you have any need for appetite suppressors though, you need to eat.

I'm a little concerned about him saying that you were doing something wrong cooking wise. I know I had many recipes that I made a mistake with and they were nice to eat (once I had learned a bit about cooking). I've also cooked awful things when learning. I hope things get better for you and that you find out why you feel this way about food.

Well I think he was just trying to be helpful - I was cooking super noodles and I always boil the water in the kettle first because it cooks them quicker and he told me later that he wouldn't do that as it doesn't cook them as thoroughly. Just that my extreme levels of anxiety whenever discussing food/cooking made me interpret it as 'i am right and you are wrong' and it really upset me as I can't feel on an equal level wherever food is concerned. I didn't feel able to stick up for myself and say that is how I do it and so shut up.

I really hope that I can get some help for this - at the moment it feels like I am beyond help and it has become very obvious that it is a major issue that is impacting on my daily life. There are often things I can't do because I haven't got the energy because I have starved myself due to being in company, and I feel a great sense of shame over eating like the only time I can do it is in private - and when I am alone I binge-eat to make up for it, even though people around me aren't that bothered. I really don't want it to ruin my good relationship with my new b/f - one thing that is very important to me in this relationship is that I feel totally on an equal level with him and don't revert into a submissive role and end up losing myself as I have in past relationships, as I just end up resenting the other party, and this is the one area where I really do not feel able to be equal although I am not sure how much sense this makes.

How did the visit with the psychiatrist go? Did she say anything about an eating disorder?

As a long time supernoodler, I've done them both the slow way and the kettle method. I can detect no difference. He's probably one of those cooks that thinks it matters which way up you have your boiled eggs or that shaking a martini instead of stirring it "bruises the alcohol". Oh dear. Mind you, "vegetarian" is a red flag for me!

But anyway. You've really got two options here - either you attempt to change your eating habits, or you talk to him about them so he can adapt to them. The best approach may be a little of both. Changing your diet is all about tolerance - one thing at a time, in small amounts, until you get used to them. I was a hideously fussy eater as a child, and then I started to change when I hit my teenage years. I remember my first "new" food was fried onions - mmm, sweet...

I also love Brussels sprouts and liver, and I've developed a liking for peppers in the last few years. These days I eat more things than my NT partner. Can't stand peanuts or olives, though. Bleargh!

Just be honest with him about it.

If it's something that is really a non-negotiable subject for you, make it clear to him that if he's going to bother you about it, the relationship won't work. However you shouldn't be entirely closed to trying new foods once in a while.

As far as an "eating disorder" goes it is eating disorder becuase it involves food. But really it an anxiety disorder.