Relationship with ex-spouse?

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Do you have a good relationship with your ex-spouse? Did it take some time after your divorce to work that out?

I've been divorced almost six years now. About a year ago, my ex-husband starting saying that he wanted to get back together. I was like .... "are you nuts?"

He's a very charming man when he wants to be and it's difficult sometimes for me to keep in mind why we split in the first place. Does anyone else have a problem like that? Or any other problems with your ex?

My ex- is like this, too bad he's a big fat narcissistic sociopath. I don't believe a word he says; and he just needs constant attention. Unfortunately, we have small children together, so I can't just cut him out of my life completely. But rarely a day goes by without some comment on how hot I am or how he has to "take care of business on his own" despite having a girlfriend (the victim list never ends). This is where the Aspie flat affect comes in really handy.

How do I handle it? Again, Aspie flat affect and polite disinterest. Never, ever engage. He thrives on drama that's centered around him. It's a tough line to walk because we are a "family" with our kids and because we still do each other favors when either of us gets into a jam. I just have to redraw the boundaries all the time, because he desperately needs help and won't get it / won't take responsibility for his actions.

I have a constructive relationship with my ex-spouse for the sake of our children. She is inappropriately concerned with, and trys to influence, my personal life though.

She's probably reading this right now, for example...

I can remember and revel in all the reasons why we married, but I can also immediately remember every excruciating detail of why we divorced. And the divorce trumped the marriage, the marriage was unsalvageable (I'm incapable of trusting him ever again). Part of me, perseverative, will always wonder, "what if?", but then I realize that it's all too impossible. I just have to put up with 13+ more years of co-parenting.

I think I still grieve for the person I thought he was, the one he presented himself as. It's hard to get past that.

I really could not care less if he were reading this now, maybe something will get through his Teflon psyche.

I'm really not as angry as I sound here, I'm more ... resolved. It's just sad that there are mistakes you have to live with your entire life. I try to focus on all the great things in my life.

Not really a good relationship. Two years since we broke up.

I'm sorry you have to put up with that, but I also applaud you for keeping it together under those circumstances. I have a lot of respect for parents who are mature enough to put their personal feelings aside for the sake of their children.



Ditto to above

we are best friends - (ex-)husband and i. we had been together for over 20 years, married for 16. now we've been transitioning from married to not-married for about 2 years, and it will be about another year before we are fully separated.

during the last 2 years, we were still deciding what we wanted to do and trying to maintain a stable environment for each other and for our teenaged daughter. we considered ourselves married for that period, and we were still trying to work it out.

over the last few months we made the final decision to continue to ease towards a full separation as opposed to reconciliation. the next year gives us time to sort out our finances and living situation, and it gives me time to get enough therapy so that i can learn to live properly on my own and take care of myself better. this period of transition has been very stressful for me, but he and are supporting each other with the difficult emotions.

our lives will always intersect and be connected in one way or another, for our daughter and for ourselves. our friendship was one of the best things about 'us', so we would never want to lose that. i hope to keep his extended family in my life as well.

there are so many layers of cause and effect that it isn't like one event or set of actions caused the whole problem. we are both accepting our full share of responsibility, and there isn't just one person who is to blame here. though there is some wistfulness and sadness, there is no anger or bitterness, but.. we do have the occasional argument as we are trying to live in a household together and it is not 100% idyllic!! !

My hat's off to you for working it out this way.

And do I understand that you still live together? Do either of you date? How will that work?

I know what you mean about the extended family. I sometimes miss the relationship I had with my in-laws. They used to phone to talk to their grandchildren, but now that the kids are grown and on their own, that doesn't happen. They won't call just to talk to me

thanks for that! but honestly it helps that my ex is an amazing man - we just aren't right for each other anymore.

yes, we live together still. sorta like roommates that hang out a lot i guess. we just talked openly to our daughter about the proceedings and she is cool with it, as much as she can be under the circumstances.

we can date if we want to. the relationship was essentially open for the last couple of years but we kept our activities secret from our child. it's sorta moot i am not ready to date anyway - i would fall back into the same patterns and would become sort of dependent again, and with therapy i am seeking to finally be independent. he does not know if he will ever want to date again as he is quite happy with the idea of being single and alone.

honestly... i think we are both just exhausted right now though, and our feelings will probably change.

I have no problems with my ex. I have an undertaking from the court forbidding him from coming within a million miles of me and he obeys it because he's brave enough to take on a defenceless woman but wets himself with fear at the idea of taking on a policeman.

It's sort of like that with my parents. Sometimes I wonder why I ran away in the first place, but then I remind myself that I would never have gone through with something so drastic that wasn't worth it.

I do not care to associate with my ex but decided not to move away and we live only a mile or two apart. It was unpleasant for the first few years but he does help if he can. My son had the choice to live with his dad but said he preferred the peace here. I was actually sad that his last relationship ended. Even though, we are not together I do not wish him any pain.

Our seperation/divorce was very gradual too, it got kind of weird when she started dating, but it was nice to get her out of the house.

I've been living by myself for about a year and a half now and I'm still getting used to it...

yeah, that is definitely similar.

i also see some similar pitfalls that could come up in my future, where it could be hard for my ex to let go of "taking care" of me. you have been saying that your ex checks out the forums you go to and wants to have some input into who you date. for me it wouldn't manifest exactly like that, but my ex is fearful for my safety as i have been guilty of making bad choices before, and he wants to keep me safe. i have to prove to myself that i am capable of doing this properly without making a mess of my life.

It takes time. It was a year before I could get through a day without crying.




I think that's a very grown-up way to look at it.

He sounds like a really honorable guy, it's a shame you can't work things out.

My ex-wife's motives are purely selfish though, she thinks that having another woman in my life will compromise her ability to manipulate me - and she's probably right...