Not emotionally connecting with husband.

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Need some advice. My husband and I have been going through marital issues for many years now. Two years ago I finally packed up the kids and moved in with my mom for a few days. It was the ONLY way I could get him to wake up and get that things were really bad. We had already been going to a counselor for a year and a half prior and I had spoke to him about how I was feeling on many occasions, but nothing seemed to work until I left. Now two years later he is a much better husband and father I feel like I am not a mother of three anymore but of only two. He is also very intelligent and a programmer to boot. I am a very successful teacher. As outsiders looking in we seem like the perfect couple and business partners. However, there is still no emotional connection between us no matter what we seem to do. Things start to improve in that way and then it stops. He stops the momentum and then I build up a wall and the cycle begins once again. We are in one of those cycles now and I want to leave more than ever. My son is also displaying some of the same behaviors that have been troublesome for me to deal with as well in the relationship. My counselor suggested that he might be borderline aspergers and to read some information about this on the internet. He doesn't seem to be very emotional about anything even when most people would be. Then we found this blog and discovered that there were so many similarities to our situation. Now our 12th anniversary is this weekend and I am scared of what the future may bring. I don't even feel like celebrating. After 5 years of feeling this way can it get any better? We have tried for so long, but I need to stay for the kids. Especially my son who has his own problems. Does anyone have any advice of where I can go from here and how to deal with the disconnect and loneliness?

I self identify as Asperger's / Autism Spectrum.

I need a whole lot of alone time and personal time.

You might feel that you are giving your husband tons of alone time. He might feel you are pressing and crowding him. Just an idea.

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There might be an opening. Almost the perfect day for me is light social in the morning, individual projects and activities during the main middle part of the day, and then social in the evening.

Well, from what I've heard of the typical Aspie-husband / NT-wife scenario, it's easy to feel for the NT partner to feel emotionally neglected. Even if your husband does care strongly for you, it's difficult for him to express it in a way that you will understand and relate to.

The best advice I've heard is to either train your husband to express his care for you in a way that you understand. For example, tell him that he needs to hug you at certain times. Or when you get home, tell him to ask you "How was your day?". Those kind of things. You also need to learn to be very upfront about your feelings. If you are sad, tell him. "I'm sad. I need you to hold me." If he is completely unreceptive to any of this, then the relationship might not be salvageable. But, I think most of the time the problem lies in miscommunication.

The other option I've heard, which you may not be as pleased with, is to seek your emotional connections with friends outside of our marriage. No, I don't mean having an affair or something. I mean, going out to visit people who DO understand your emotional needs. Stop relying on your husband to fill the gap... he may simply not be able to give that to you. But he may be able to be there in other ways. Financially, perhaps, or as a friend. Alternatively, you could find some hobby that you both enjoy doing together. Anything to connect with will do.

Ultimately, though, you have to do what works for you. If your needs aren't being met, find a way for them to be. If that means ultimately getting a divorce, then that's what you need to do. Do what you think will make you happy. Your kids will appreciate you more if you aren't miserable in a relationship.