Communicating to a guy that I love him

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[I use abbreviations to indicate names here]. I. is someone I have known for 2 years an business type context and have been in love with all that time, even though I tried to avoid getting too hung-up on him when I found out he was married. Recently though, there was a social night out with everyone in this work place and I found out he was in an open-marriage and informally had another long-term partner with his wife plus has been with girls short-term as well, so now I can put him back on my emotional agenda.

However, with AS, I am completely clueless with how to communicate my interest to him. Now he has been quite flirtatious with me a lot, but also quite intimately friendly i.e. he's bought a gift once for me and gave me and seems quite concerned about my happiness and well-being so hopefully there's something there.

Another thing standing in the way is that because of the business type relationship I don't have any chatty type contact i.e phone calls or email exchange which would allow me to have more of chance to chat to him and I'm worried about asking for such contact details in case I end up in trouble for it being inappropriate contact in a business situation. Although I will need to email him this week over something work related and I was going to mention some concern I had in general to ask for his advice so maybe that's one way to start the actual friendship contact bit up.

The other thing I'd hope for is if there was another social out or just circumstance when we're talking and there is an element of friendly contact what kind of gestures could I perform and things could I say that would give him the hint?

Tell him; say, "I love you" to him.

Just curious, but say it did happen, how would you feel about playing second fiddle to his wife? she will probably come first & if they have kids, they will too. Just because it's an open relationship (& check it really is!) doesn't necessarily mean you won't end up feeling like the 'other woman' in the situation.

Or are you hoping he'll leave her instead? I'm just wondering as, personally, it wouldn't be a situation I'd want to enter voluntarily and i'd rather wait for someone less complicated instead. Each to their own though!

As for going on a date, if you don't actually see each other that much except for discussing business, you could probably go for the cheesy 'maybe we could discuss this later... say over dinner' line

Personally though, I'd leave this one as just an office crush.

Why would you even want in on this? No offense, the guy sounds like crap, and you'll get nothing but hurt if you pursue this.

My first reaction is similar to other people's. This sounds like a recipe for heartache to me. Even if you do find yourself involved with him, there will be no exclusivity, and he may never love you the way you say you love him.

However, if you feel you can cope with this, then I'd just bite the bullet and go for it. Tell him how you feel, maybe not I love you, but I'd like to get to know you better, or similar. I think that's the best way for Aspies, because mind games and trying to interpret signals can just cause frustration and confusion. He sounds like he would be open to you.

+1!

True; he might just be in it to indulge himself also, with also showing affection too.

Normally, I would agree with the straightforward approach, but this guy sounds like he's "open" to quite a bit. I'm afraid this is one case where you should ignore your feelings and use your brain.

I better just indicate he's an Aspie too and is the one person in a year who has made me smile and feel happy about being AS (this was in 2010 a year since I was diagnosed) after a miserable year a supposed 'friend' online abusing me over AS (this friend was an Aspie but he had a sh***y attitude to it).

But would you be ok with him just seeing you once a week, having sex with you, then going home to his wife or other partner? I know that would cause me a lot of pain. Why not hold out for someone who will love only you?

Don't go there. You'll probably get hurt. I agree, hold out for someone who will love you only. It's awful being the toy for a guy who is looking for amusement outside his long term partnership. You can do better.

Yea... it almost seems like your setting your self up just to be used. Hopefully there are no negative lonely feelings attached to you at the moment so you can clearly see what may happen if you choose to pursue this guy.

One thing that you can ask yourself, is if you embark upon this relationship, where do you see yourself in say, 5 years? Would you really like to invest in being a part time sex buddy? I agree with what others have said; better to hold out for a solid relationship in which you are loved and appreciated as you deserve to be. When I first met my fiance, I was attracted. But I dated him for a few months before getting more serious. And the reason it got more serious, was that I knew that I wouldn't mind being in a long term relationship with him. If I can't see myself being in a long term relationship with someone, I am not going to make a lot of effort to get involved.

I would highly recommend reading up about polyamory and open relationships before taking the first step. Such relationships are not for everyone, and you don't want to jump into it blindly without knowing what you want and if this is right for you.

If you still feel that such a relationship is right for you after doing your homework, only then should you take the next step.

Sorry for not communicating the circumstances here, I've already read quite a bit on this topic years before I met him. However it's something I would see if it worked out. One of the other guys I love dislikes polyamory so I might have chose some people and monogamy or polyamory over others in life if I do live out open relationships.

Well, if you're willing to explore that path, I would say the next step is letting your interest know that you are interested (I wouldn't use the L-word just yet, but do let him know that you care for him), and getting to know him, his wife, and other partners involved. You not only want to know if you are compatible, but you also want to get to know the dynamics of the relationship. The cornerstones of polyamorous relationships are openness and honesty, so you must approach this with the same.

Now, as for actually approaching your interest... well, I'm an Aspie too, of course, and a very non-assertive one, so this is where I struggle. I understand your concerns about asking for contact information at work, but I don't see it being an issue - lots of people make friends at work, after all. If you're not comfortable with that, have you tried looking him up on Facebook?