Am I really that bad?

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So I'm looking at another probable major romantic disappointment, and once again I'm sort of baffled.

When you look at things objectively, I've actually got quite a bit going for me to attract someone, and yet I am still an unmitigated romantic zero.

I see quite a few other guys around WP in the same predicament - I think they're totally awesome (but anatomically unsuitable ) and would think that at least one woman would be able to see that, but I guess I'm too dumb to figure out why we're such losers...

WTF?

Can someone please tell me what I'm missing here?

Honestly, I think that since Aspies have a harder time with social ques they also miss the ques that show them their standards are fantastical and unreasonible.

My theory is that a lot of the dateless Aspies are persuing the 18-25 year old attractive girls, or the older, successful attractive childless women - the ones that even the NTs have to put on a song and a dance for in order to maintain their interest.

I, myself, have known pleanty of women who would date anyone that could show them they were considerate/nice and genuenly wanted a relationship. Who would look past looks and body language (if not hygene or unemployment) and be completely happy to be loved by someone. But those women aren't in the narrow demographic that most men chase.

The mistake is seeing dating as a meritocracy, as though you can simply check off desirable traits and conclude with a woman suitably impressed as befitting your status. I can't tell you what you're doing wrong. I can't even tell you you're doing ANYTHING wrong. Sometimes, it really is just luck of the draw.

I think it's more complicated than 'one woman being able to see that'.
Needs right place, right time, right circumstances etc.

Male interest seems to be an OR function: Friendly expression OR nice body OR pleasant disposition OR ...

Female interest seems to be an AND function: Friendly expression AND nice body AND pleasant disposition AND ...

You gotta have the whole package for a woman to be interested (or at least a minimum combination of features), while as far as a man's interest is concerned, a woman just has to be there.

Yep.

Grisha I feel the same way as you. But not just about the men. There are a lot of lovely women here who seem to be unable to find what they are looking for too. I don't know the answer. If I did I wouldn't be such a relationship disaster area myself.

But as I've said before you seem completely lovely to me. I'm sure someone will come along for you.

Then where are they? I tend to only pursue women who have indicated some level of interest first (even if it's ultimately not sustained or for unsavory ulterior motives) I'm not going to go bothering women "cold".

I think this kind of thing is made much more difficult by the lack of recognition of social cues which most Aspies share. Luckily my boyfriend has stayed with me for ages despite my failure to recognise that some of my demands are wildly, ridiculously unreasonable (e.g. don't speak to any other non-family females whatsoever- to my credit, that had been a bad day) until after I've made them and we've argued about it.

In high school/younger than 19 they really don't exist. Women, like men, are almost all superficial when they are young and that is very much a part of human nature.

I met a couple of girls in college who were still young but not traditionally attractive (overweight, scarred, etc.). They had been romantically used by men (who took advantage of them being desperate, but then made it clear that they really had no interest in them as a person) to the point where, literally, the only thing they cared about was that the person they were with liked them for who they were. These girls, however, had no self-esteem and, while being totally open to the idea of dating someone with even serious Aspergers problems, they would not put themselves out there. The way to approach them is to be overly nice to them but not make advances. If they are overly nice back and initiate physical contact at some point, then it is a good a sign as you're going to get that you should ask them out.

Older women with children are sometimes in a similar situation. A lot of the time they don't care about the superficial stuff, but what they are looking for is someone who genually cares about both them and their kids. As long as someone cares, is kind and respectful they have a very real shot in this situation - even those with strong Asperger type traits. This is an issue, as a lot of Aspies seem to have problems in dealing with children, but they wouldn't be rejected for being who they are so much as be possibly forced to leave due to the sensory issues that kids can present us. What to look for here are women who are single mothers, do not like to go out to party, and focus intently on their kids to the exclusion of dating. The way to approach these seems to be to say that you are interested in getting to know the woman and giving her your phone number. Tell her you would just like to come hang out with her and her family to get to know them, no strings attached, and ask her to call you if there is a time when she wouldn't mind your company.

Unfortunately, a lot of the women who would be most accepting of Aspies are also the type least likely to approach them, having honestly "given up" on men. Luckily, even though this is the case, establishing a potential beginning of a relationship does not require one to outright proposition them for a date. Quite the opposite, in fact, as the method here is to introduce yourselves to them and let them slowly realize that you aren't like other men. If, during this process, they express an interest in someone else or start dating someone else, then it is time to move on, however.

(I've always been naturally drawn to the lonely, outcast type and am actually capable of recognizing the type when I see them. Those who are like me - who have few friends, or who has 'friends' but tend to be treated like dirt by them anyway. Some of them turn out to be bitter and cruel, but others are honestly kind, loving people who honestly, actually are just looking for a nice guy who loves them for who they are)

Grisha, i'm gonna lay down my assessment, and i warn you that it is harsh.

first of all, if it seems too good to be true... it probably is. moving on...

everyone has their upsides and downsides so i don't think we can easily box people up and slap a value on them. that said, i think you are shooting for the stratosphere. there are eligible attractive women all over WP (for example - not just online, but you get the idea), and lots of them are in a closer age range to you, and with similar attributes and assets to what you possess.

it's like a lovely, well-adjusted, financially secure, career-oriented woman, with a normal body (and maybe a couple of kids from a past marriage) isn't enough - instead you are wanting the 25-year-old educated jetsetting supermodel (and allowing yourself to believe it could be real).

from my perspective, there is something in your approach that won't allow you to embrace "average" or "normal" women (they don't really exist as such, but i'm not sure what else to call a regular woman) - you are holding out for near-perfection. i don't know why, or where this comes from, but it is going to keep setting you up for heartbreak.

I noticed

But no one without chronological/geographical problems...

I think that a big part of single aspie men, an unconscious part, avoids or disrupts a future relationship.

Otherwise, we would be always saying the right things like NT males/females would do..............

This unconscious side is so hidden it does not appear to exist , but is larger and more dominant than the conscious part that wants a GF

Same for girls too.

I think some people think they are ready and want a partner, but they are unable to see the unconscious side of themselves that actively sabotages things before they get off the ground.

We all have so many denials, this would be just one of them.

You are either bad (not necessary as manners, but could be bad at social interaction) or too picky.

but hey, at least you go married and got divorced like 50% of couples, so you're not as bad as most guys here.

It can be a vibe energy thing. The negativity you feel from your lack of success may leak through into the kind of vibes you emit to others.

I know people talk about this "relationships happen when you least expect it" phenomina. But the reason for that may be because if your not actively and concioussly pursuing then perhaps that gives you the ability to lay back and relax and it comes through in the way you project yourself to others. Whereas now your lack of success is fueling angst that is leaking through into your sense of self and people can read that from you indirectly.

If its any consolation I sense I have a rather dark cloud over myself at the moment so I probably have a repellent magnet effect working on me at the moment.