Does this sound shallow of me, or am I somewhat justified in

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thinking this way???

Ok, heres the story. My ex I had before last, Sami, was pregnant with another guy's kid. We got together in June of 2008, I found out she had been cheating on me in August of 2008(different guy, not the dad...although she may have cheated on me with the dad ONCE..not sure) and thats when we broke up. I found my most recent ex, Ashlei(you can find another topic that describes in the OP why we broke up, not explaining here) in November of 2008. We talked all through that month, then started dating in December.

Well, recently, Ashlei broke up with me(almost a month and a half ago) and Sami has been hitting on me for awhile(like a few months prior to the break up, although Ashlei didn't know about this)

Right now, I weigh 215 lbs(or somewhere around that.....) and I feel HORRIBLE. Like, I want to get into shape, and lose down to at least 185(I figure with my height(5'7") thats a good weight to go along with muscles from working out)

Sami, on the other hand, is an LVN, is only JUST this coming March going to be turning 21 years old(in other words, limited access to alcohol) and already she weighs more than I, and she was SMALL(like I think 120 or 130-ish) when she first got pregnant with the baby.

Over the past few months, there has been plenty of pre-knowledge-of-her-cheating feelings re-surfacing, and I was thinking for awhile about maybe giving her another shot, because she truly seems to want a relationship with me, and now that she is older and has had to be a mother instead of just carry the child, maybe she is more mature and knows more about what she wants?

Now, at my new job, there is this really skinny(like, 140-150ish range) girl, named Haley. She has a 6 month old baby boy. She just got out of a bad relationship, which had been on and off for 5 years, and finally ended when her now ex boyfriend REFUSED to get a job or even go look for one, and instead sat on his ass all day playing Black Ops. He did help take care of the kid(it was his, after all)

My predicament?

I find myself leaning more in favor of Haley, because the thing is, Sami really let herself go between the time of our break up and now, and you can tell that by her weight gain. I mean, she has a job where shes on her feet 5-6 days a week, the dad doesn't help take care of the kid, and she has to contend with the kid when she gets off work/on her day(s) off, or at least drive him pver to her mother's house on her day(s) off so she can have a day or 2 to herself. The only explanation I can find for her being as big as she is is that she is just LAZY when she gets the chance to and is a couch potato, and eats grease, fatty laiden s**t, and drinks whatever alcohol her legal drinking age friends can provide her with.

Haley, on the other hand, is still small. She is studying to go into being a Special Education teacher. She eats healthy, and likes to excercise at least once a week from what I can tell, and has an infectious personality. She also seems to have taken a great interest in me. She listens to all my stories(which get confusing & annoying, I know...they annoy me sometimes too =S) and whenever shes not cashiering and the business is slow/we're getting on a van, she always makes a damn BEELINE for me. On our first day of training together, when we REALLY hit it off, I was at the other end of a line to sign up for working hours, and she felt the need to yell at me across the room to introduce her to Shae, the girl who has been her best friend since 3rd grade. Why, just the other day I was waiting for the managers to show up to take us to training at noon(its a new store in town, so we're training in stores in other towns, and the managers shuttle us there in vans where we meet them at the local Workforce building in our town) and it was still about an hour or so before they were supposed to get there, and I was lying down, kinda napping, right? Well, next thing I know(and I have no idea in hell how she saw me in there, or why she came over) the door closest to my head(passenger side, its only a 3 seater truck) gets FLUNG open and she accidently sits on my head, cuz she was trying to get her footing on the railing(shes rather short) so she could come sit with me in the truck(and yes, she drove herself there, so its not like she couldn't have sat in her car....not that I mind)

So for Haley, the only way I can see her getting fat anytime soon is because of her damn job and sh***y school food that she is pretty much forced to eat(you can't take your f*****g eyes off those little Special Ed bastards even long enough to go grab some decent food to eat) or hormonal something or other9which is NOT what happened to Sami, shes always posting about who wants to join her to go eat at *insert fast food restaurant name here*

Is it shallow of me to not want to date Sami because of this and want to date Haley, for the same reasons? I just want whoever I'm with to be healthy and happy and feel good about themselves, and when a girl doesn't look good to themselves, they don't FEEL good about themselves either. Sami obviously doesn't care about excercising or eating helathy all that much, whereas Haley seems more apt to try and whip BOTH our asses into shape.

Is that shallow of me?


Please help me out here, WP type people!! !

Thanks in advance!! !

Are you sure that you're leaning more towards Haley less due to the "health" factor and more due to your past hurts about Sami cheating on you? Subconscious or not, you're probably still somewhat angry at her for that (which is completely understandable).

Even if it is due to the "health" and "attractiveness" factor, what's shallow about that? It sounds like she will encourage you to improve your own health and self-view.

Maybe it's also time for you to be with someone else anyway. Are there other things about Haley that draw you to her besides her looks, etc.? That's actually very important--you may think she won't get "fat" anytime soon, but anything can happen. There should be other compelling reasons for being with her instead of Sami, reasons that won't fade with looks.

You're not "shallow", but don't be short-sighted, either.

There are probably a lot of things going on here. Be sure you're fully aware of all of your own motivations for feeling as you do, for your own sake (and the sake of whoever you are with).

Take care, and good luck.

In all honesty, I forgot to add in WHY she cheated on me. The reason was because at the time I wasn't in school or working a job, but I didn't have a vehicle yet either, so I was doing odd jobs for my parents so they would buy me my truck, so we didn't get to spend a lot of time together. She claims thats why she cheated, because all we ever really did except for a few select times(like 14 or 15 dates, I think) was talk on the phone, and whenever we would see each other, most of the time it was her or her mom driving us to dinner and a movie or something, then us going back to her place long enough to have sex(her choice to end the night with)

So yeah, I'm still a little angry at her for cheating, but I can kinda see why she did it, so I have to let that go.

Its just....I'm worried that if I get into a relationship with Haley based on her attractiveness now, if she lets herself go later on and starts beng a "Debbie Downer" as they call it because she doesn't feel good about herself, what if I start to lose interest, or I'm so bummed out all the time because shes like that that she thinks I only got with her for her looks alone, and decides to either leave me or cheat on me?

And yeah, there are other things. She listens to my stories, she has known I'm an Aspie since the first day we met(I told her, and she said had I not told her she never would have guessed =S) and still she puts up with me. She puts up with my stubornness, and she seems magnewtically drawn towards me, which I guess means she wants to spend time with me.

I honestly can't find the post that says why you broke up with ashli. (Guess its not really relevant to the topic anyway)

I don't agree with the whole weight thing making the difference, but that doesn't mean I think its wrong, just your preference.

I think everyone has some shallow tendencies (Not saying you're shallow) whether they admit it or not, you should choose what you think is going to make you happy and not choose something you'll regret in 2 weeks. Don't hook up with someone you have no attraction to just because you feel bad.. but looks aside, Sami sounds like a bad deal in general.

I will say this-- flings are fine with this kinda mentallity, but don't ever get married with it. Everyone has a down period in their life and looks fade over time, if you ever get into a relationship for the long haul later on, it will happen eventually.

Sami has got to help herself no one can do it but her. Whatever reason you come up with, its still convincing yourself that Sami is not what you really want regardless how many women you compare. It is not selfish or shallow if you are looking after what's best for you in terms of overall well being.

Last edited by curlyfry on 19 Aug 2011, 7:36 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I've seen this saying before, but not sure who said it. Butchering it horribly, it goes something like this: "Men marry women, and hope they don't change; women marry men and hope they do change. Therein lies the strife."

If you intend to spend any significant amount of time with someone, they will change physically. That's pretty much a fact. So really, you can't base any relationship on pure physicality and expect it to last. I wouldn't say your view is shallow per se...I would say it's a tad short sighted, or limiting, though.

Your ex really needs to sort her self out, and I don't think you two getting back together helps her do that.

I agree with AsteroidNap, that people do change physically over time and if you're basing your desire to be with someone on that, then it is short-sighted. However, the cheating is another matter. I don't think the reason you gave justifies dishonesty and cheating. If she couldn't live with the way you were at the time, she should have been honest about it and not cheated. Before getting back with someone who cheated, wouldn't you want to be convinced she wouldn't do it again?

~Kate

I would elaborate a bit more on my last statement....

one issue (of many) that I still deal with in my life is that I'm a sucker for enabling bad behavior in others. There's a host of reasons behind that for me, but this isn't about me. I say this only to point out that many times, by inviting your cheating ex back into your life, you could be showing her, unconsciously, that her behavior didn't matter. You could be re-enforcing the bit inside her that says it was okay to cheat -- because she's gotten away with it, hasn't she, if you invite her back?

There should be certain consequences for her actions, and then perhaps she will learn and grow.

Is there room for forgiveness? Sure. But there has to be demonstrable evidence of corrective behavior that indicates a sincere regret. My sense from your story is that you should move on to Haley who seems to be making honest efforts to turn her life around (at least from what I can tell with little info).

Soooo, your ex-girlfriend Sami cheated on you, was carrying another mans baby, and is now a wreck. You're considering dating her again because....?