unsure, uninterested, or shy?

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of course, there are tell tale signs, but some times, especially early on, it's difficult to tell.

when the other person is passive, not enthused, it could be one of three reasons:
1. uninterested, trying to be polite or waiting until you go away.
2. interested, but shy or nervous.
3. unsure. which could be part of number 2, or maybe a lack of connection.

continuing to pursue the other person when they are uninterested is rude, annoying to them, and a waste of time for you. at the same time, not pursuing a person who is interested in you is a missed opportunity.

your thoughts?

In my experience women can be exasperatingly enigmatic in expressing interest.

On more than one occasion in my life, I was told after the fact that a woman was "practically serving herself on a silver platter" when the whole time I was attentively looking for even the tiniest hint of a "green light" and not seeing anything remotely like one.

These days I try to force the issue a little more by being slightly (but very politely!) more aggressive - I can tell very quickly whether she's interested or not an act accordingly.

I think the easiest way of seeing the second of the three is that they'll be looking away from you but it will feel like every body movement, every motion, and all of their attention is aimed right at you. You can kind of feel when energy is beaming at you, even if both of you are looking away from each other, and I think its one of those things where when someone in front of us is on our mind - or *REALLY* on our mind like in this case - our body language will reflect it and I'd imagine for many survival reasons we've gotten good at seeing it (probably the same reason why shy and anxious people may be perceived as intense and creepy/scary).

another option to add: maybe she is playing hard to get rather than being uninterested.

this, along with the shy/nervous option, is unfortunately, is what a person would like to believe when the other person doesn't like them. and people are really good at justifying things with thought biases.

though i agree with grisha, that it may be best to be more aggressive, rather than "playing it safe".

Yeah, that's something I've never been able to figure out. I'd usually keep talking, trying to get a clearer reaction one way or the other. Helps if I can think of something clever or funny to say. They only find me funny if they're interested. Or maybe they're only interested if I'm funny. Either way, I find it much easier to gauge the genuineness of a laugh and smile than a passive expression.

I've found it's best if you are unsure as to whether the other party is interested or not is to simply ask. I know, this can be difficult because it makes you somewhat vulnerable but it's so much easier than trying to read signs you may be missing or misinterpreting.

... now if only I could take my own advice.

Wise. I wish I could do that... Too insecure.

Insecurity is definitely an obstacle. I have a few insecurities of my own, but at the end of the day I realize I'm still alive and breathing. In the end, the worst that could happen is me having to nurse a broken heart.

Hearts are mendable.

Very true.

i agree with just asking a question that will lead to an answer, but i would imagine its really important which words you choose.

saying something like "are you interested in me" or "do you like me as more than a friend" would kill the romance, no?

especially, if the person is an the unsure category, where they need more time until they feel romantically interested in another person. its putting them in a corner.

Possibly. Love is a gamble either way, really. Besides, if someone can't handle a simple question like that from me they probably can't handle being my partner.

I can be a bit forward and sometimes far too blunt. Tact just isn't something I've mastered.

Ive been wrong many times. But stepping on the mine and seeing if it went off was the only trick I knew. I can sense things more clearly today but I suspect I still have blind spots.

In my experience, I've come to believe that "if you have to ask, the answer is no" but I need to hear it anyway to begin the healing process. The problem is that in such a situation, often times your unrequited paramour refuses to just come out and say it to avoid hurting your feelings, which can leave the door open to hope...

Why can't I just be asexual instead?

If one isn't a complete creeper, I've found that being direct is, at the least, flattering to the person whether they're interested or not. Knowing this sort of eases my apprehension with regard to being direct, and somewhat soothes the rejection.


As to the OP, women literally have to throw themselves at me before I'd notice anything. As you can imagine, this doesn't happen very often. So, as Grisha, I've gone to being a bit more assertive in my approach.

The line you quoted is something I've said a few times in the past, but not regarding an individual you are unsure as to whether they are interested or not.

I do know what you mean about leaving the door open. Looking back, I've probably done that to a few guys unintentionally.

a good point here.

but dawn, how exactly would you ask another person if they are interested?

(probably not directly, but are there any questions that would indirectly get an answer which could be translated as interest or not)