How can you say, "I love you!" too early?

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In a sitcom I was watching, the guy says to the girl, "I love you". She isn't ready to say it herself, and they break up. Now, I understand characters in sitcoms are exaggerated, but I've also read on wrong planet about this happening in real life. Why? If the other person isn't ready to say it, then that means they might not be in love, in which case, why are they in the relationship in the first place? It seems so illogical. Maybe I'm odd even for an aspie, but if a girl I was in a relationship with told me she loved me, I'd be delighted to hear it (although I'd also think it was self-evident from the fact we were together). Is my viewpoint unusual, and if so, why?

Last edited by CrinklyCrustacean on 23 Jul 2011, 9:16 am, edited 1 time in total.

you need to understand the difference between "love" and "being in love".

Okay. Please would you elaborate?

Theory:
The initial stages of a relationship are all about getting to know the basics of each other: personality quirks, social comfort, etc, etc. As the relationship progresses, there is revelation of other informations: interests, family dynamics, past events, etc, etc (and all the stuff people call "emotional baggage"). The revelations are exposed gradually, in waves, as time and the relationship progress.

If you say "I'm love you" before she is ready, it can be an overwhelming moment - too much of a reveal, too much of a tsunami - and it can make the other person feel like you've "locked" the process of revelation: "I love you" is heard as "I love you as you are right now" and the victim (the person who's not yet ready) is knocked over by the wave/the words and the realization that the slow waves - the slow revelation process - is at an end, and that anything not yet revealed MUST be revealed now before there can be any faith that you have any idea what the h*** you're talking about by claiming you love them when you "don't even really know who I am yet".

They immediately feel the overwhelming truth that they haven't finished telling you all of who they are yet. And if they still have chapters and chapters that they believe you must be aware of before you truely know their character... before you could truely love them... The book report is due now, and they aren't ready to stand up in front of the class and talk. And you are the teacher telling them: Talk now or get a Failing Grade. That's a lot of pressure.

Sorry for mixing metaphors. I hope I got my idea through.

ok, but bear in mind that this is all theory that I've "learned" along the way, and have never been in love nor loved (romantically). I've never been loved romantically either. I do read a lot of romance though

in general, people equate "being in love" with the initial stage of a relationship when you experience the chemical rush of attraction. this stage is unsustainable in the long run, as it's quite a strain on your body and mind. once this stage is over, most relationships end.

"love" is what makes you stay together after the stage of "being in love" is over.

I imagine that if one party throws the big word out too soon, the other party would feel either A)suspicious, as they would feel that the relationship have not reached that stage yet (understandably, they would question the motives of such declaration); B)angry that the other person has already transitioned from the "butterflies in the stomach" stage to the next one, while they still experience the initial strong attraction towards them, thus creating an imbalance; C)afraid that the other person claims to "love" them while there are still a lot of negative traits that they posses that have so far remained undisclosed, and that (as the poster above nicely put it) the love is for the person that they are right that moment and not for the whole multi-dimensional persona that would've unfolded with time.

that's the theory. personally I think that if I'd heard it, I'd run and hide under the table and rock other people's emotions can be extremely overwhelming for some, you should always be very careful before you burden people with them.

Madeline L'Engle has a terrific quote: "Love isn't what you feel, it's what you do."

This may add a layer of confusion, but let me explain: people often confuse the warm-fuzzy feelings they have for people that make them feel good, or the adrenalin rush of someone they are interested in sexually (this can be what is referred to as "in love") with a long-term caring relationship. This type of love ("in love") involves staring at your partner bleary-eyed, and lots of kissing and cuddling (and sex, depending on how things go.)

In a love (as opposed to "in love") relationship, as OddFiction points out, you have to know the other person really, really well, because you will be expected to act according to their needs (which means knowing what those needs are) and negotiate respectfully to get your own needs met - this is the "do" part. It's a commitment, and while a physical relationship may be involved, there is much more to navigating each other's needs than just that. It works well only when the people involved are able to communicate well, and are confident they can get what they want out of a relationship. (Think about things like how money is handled, personal space, friends outside the relationship, family issues, eating and sleeping arrangements - all those kinds of boring mundane things must be negotiated. With some things this just happens naturally, but with others needs must be communicated clearly.)

I think the scenario the doubtful girlfriend is trying to avoid is one where the boyfriend has made assumptions about who she is and what her needs are - or she is unsure if either of them can be realistic about his needs, as people who profess love quickly often suppress their needs in hopes of making themselves more appealing (a bad idea: negotiate: yes, hide: no.) She wants to be sure they will be able to be open and honest with each other, and still have compatible needs that can realistically be met.

In my life, I've often been on the wrong side of this experience...however, while there were many times, I only needed it to work once - which it did! (In retrospect, I am terribly, terribly grateful that all those other relationships didn't work out.)

Last edited by momsparky on 23 Jul 2011, 10:39 am, edited 1 time in total.

Wow. This theory sounds spot-on. I wish there was an intermediate but just as natural way of expressing affection for someone you don't know fully yet. Because my inclination is to use the word love for any good affectionate tender feeling but there are many shades of that category of feeling. That's the first word that comes to my mind to use because it's what babies are told by their parents, siblings tell each other, kids are taught to tell their extended family - aunts, uncles, even second cousins they've just recently met; when people want to express strong positive feeling for an object or idea, they say they LOVE macaroni and cheese or Paris or cats or waking up early... it's a word that is all too easy to say with honesty that isn't necessarily linked to that one particular kind of "I know you through and through and love you no matter what" love. People even say it to each other when they do something that amuses the other person: "Oh Jane, I LOVE! you! You and your silly cute self!" Platonic friends, etc.

As a person who accidentally said it too soon (I thought it was comfortably long enough into the relationship)...a couple months at least...it totally made him uncomfortable...He was the first to text hearts and stuff...but when i said it....it was like (oh no!)...and he still cannot say it.... ...I stopped saying it because it makes him very uncomfortable by leaving him in a position where he might have to say it back... ...That seems kinda traumatic for him....I accidentally said it the other day and he brushed it off and turned it into a joke...I have to remind myself not to do it again. The next time I feel compelled to do so, I will just go to the bathroom and tell him out of earshot... Not sure why it has to be such a Big treacherous thing that makes him so terribly uncomfortable....it has left me feeling very sad and empty. I have told him that by telling him I love him, I am not saying that I "own" him...I am saying that I hold him in high esteem. He is supposed to be my "boyfriend"..

pass off a few "hehe, wow can I keep you?" type comments instead of "I love you"s.

when the answer comes back "You better!" or "damn straight" or "can't lose me now" a few times...

you know you're getting closer.

(Can also be applied in reverse: listen for those "can I keep you" hints and respond appropriately!)

___

Edit: Lungs, can you substitute "Adore!" instead of "love" when you are expressing affection?

I think that perhaps the meaning of the word love has a very important and serious meaning when said between two people in a relationship. Instead of meaning the same as when you say it about a place or object etc like I love Paris, in which the meaning is a bit unclear and could mean I quite like Paris or Paris is a nice place, in a relationship its meaning is taken to be final and definite and that the person saying it has made up their mind and likes every thing about the other person and wants to be with them forever.

I think that the word when used in a relationship should be interchangeable with words such as like and adore and enjoy being with, but it isnt to most people and I think this is what causes the problem when one person says it to another who doesnt feel the same way yet..

I believe that relationships depend on both people involved wanting the same thing ie they like each other enough to go on a date and they still like each other after that date enough to go on another one and they assume the other person has the same intensity of feelings about them as they have about the other person.

I think the words "I love you" are seen as a milestone that you reach when you know everything about the other person and want to spend the rest of your lives together. And declaring you have reached this milestone makes the other person feel under pressure to say that they have also reached it, and if their feelings havent grown enough for them to be able to declare they want to spend the rest of their lives with you they can feel guilty. Often they feel like they have to decide either to say it and hope that if they say it enough they will eventually mean it or to make the decision that you are not the right person and they will never be ready to say they want to spend their life with you.

I think that the same situation can be found at other points in a relationship for example if someone asks their friend if they want to go out on a date with them and the friend says no the friendship will not be as good and the two people will often stop being friends. Equally someone asking someone to marry them can result in the other person thinking long and hard about the relationship and realising that they like the person but dont want to marry them. I think the imbalance of feelings makes one person feel uneasy or even inadequate and this can ruin the relationship

I pre-love you.

Love is a deep emotional attachment which usually takes some time to form. If you tell someone you love them too soon, they generally they may think you are an obsessive potential stalker, or they may feel suffocated in the relationship because they aren't ready for that level of commitment that loving someone implies.

Love cant mean.."I hold you in high esteem, and wish the very best for you regardless of whether or not you are my significant other?" I exchange the L word with friends/exes and it means unconditional respect...not You are mine..I own you, blah blah....

This.
Love can (and does for me) take years to form. If someone told me they loved me too soon, I'd feel suffocated like Chronos says, and I also might severely doubt that they know what love actually is, or I'd question their sincerity.

I finally told a woman I had been dating intensely/exclusively for almost two years "I love you" to which she awkwardly mumbled "mmm...you too..."

She ended our relationship like a week later.

NEVER tell your S.O. that you love them...

Yeah, the guy I'm seeing said he loved me on the second date. Granted we had been talking on the phone almost everyday for a couple weeks before this point but I didn't say it back. I just kissed him again and took that time to explain my AS and that it may take me awhile to get attached to somebody. He seemed okay with that so yay! It is an awkward situation to be sure. >.<