Aspie guy or just a jerk?

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Hello all,

I would really appreciate any input from you, and I apologize for the length of this. I'm an NT girl in my early 20s. I met a guy (let's call him Tom) and I'm about 99.9% sure is an Aspie. He is also in his early 20s. Our families have mutual friends. I liked him a lot initially, although our friends describe him as "odd."

After we met, he initiated contact with me quite a bit and we met up to hang out together (alone) several times. He was quite friendly with me, and although I did notice the Aspie characteristics, I enjoyed his intelligence and sweetness.

Several times while we were hanging out, he mentioned he wanted to go on a vacation for two weeks in the future. Finally he asked me if I wanted to go with him. I was pleased to hear this and he let me pick out our destination. However, we planned the trip several months in advance. Once we had confirmed it, Tom then proceeded not to pay really any attention to me (meaning basically no contact for the months leading up to the vacation unless I went out of my way to see him) until the day before we went on the trip when he called me to confirm everything.

Needless to say, I thought this was rather odd, but I really wanted to go to our destination, so I figured that even if he suddenly disliked me, I'd go on the trip and enjoy it anyway.

During our trip (during which we stayed in the same hotel room), Tom seemed very nervous and was fidgety. He also had to take frequent naps while we were out sightseeing to recharge. He didn't talk much and absolutely avoided getting physically close to me. By this I mean he literally had to have at least six inches of space in between us or he was visibly uncomfortable. He even avoided staying near me in big crowds where I almost lost him several times. Whenever we were eating together, he seemed to have trouble looking at me, and basically the best way I can put it is that he was incredibly robotic. Towards the very end of the trip, though, he seemed to loosen up a bit, and although he still was avoiding being physically close to me, his face seemed more at ease and he had started to laugh a bit with me.

Since we returned from our trip (over six months ago), Tom has not contacted me, seems to avoid interacting with me, and whenever he has to, usually acts uncomfortable, nervous, and robotic. I did tell him directly I enjoyed traveling with him.

I am very, very, very confused and hurt by this situation. Our mutual friends told me Tom told them how much fun he had with me and how much he enjoyed our vacation, but he has never expressed this directly to me. I feel most hurt because Tom does not seem to have so much trouble interacting with anyone else except me. He also does not avoid touching other people except me. (Just FYI - I am a very clean person... I don't think this is because I smell bad or something!) In fact, when we are together with our friends, he frequently touches them in a kind of fascinated way (rubs their arms, touches their shoulders, etc). He is especially friendly with our mutual female friends, and always engages them in long conversations with a lot of eye contact (in fact, probably a little too much sustained eye contact, whereas he can't even usually look me straight in the face).

I've decided Tom probably just doesn't like me, which is why he's so disinterested in me now, but I would really appreciate any feedback from the community... I've never dealt with an Aspie before, and his behavior continues to bother me. If he's really just being a jerk, then I'm happy to let it go and not think about him, but I don't know if there could be some other reason, or how I should behave around him now. This has made me feel depressed, because I thought I made a new friend, and now he is just, well, not really acting like one.

Thank you for any help!! !

Maybe he likes and for this reason is shy / awkward around you? Thinks about it too much. I know I will do this, when I like a guy I will act like an idiot around him, and can't look him in the eyes, etc.

Although his not calling you for months does sound like a jerk. Maybe he thinks you are not into him, I would say just ask him what is up. Being straight forward and overly obvious with an Aspie is wont hurt. I hope this all works out for you.

The dude's smitten with you. Here's my rationale:

People, girls, that he doesn't know or give two f**ks about, he's able to act charming and whatnot - because (at least it's this way for me) he doesn't care what they think, as they are not important to him.

He cares what you think.

So many girls I was close with and had a shot with, that I ruined the opportunity in this exact way. He feels he has to impress you, that if he does or says something wrong you won't like him anymore.

Chances are he will act very surprised when you tell him how he acted towards you. "Me, distant and cold? No way!" That's not to say aspies can't also be jerks as well (we can), but often times our outward actions do NOT reflect our inward feelings at ALL. Like Sagan said, you really do have to ask him, very directly, if he likes you and likes being with you.

I don't think that you can necessarily call this guy's behaviour, jerk behaviour. I just want to mention a few things here:

1. First of all, he may not like talking on the telephone. I personally don't get to see my gf that often because we live far apart, so there's a distance issue, therefore we have to contact each other frequently. However, I personally much prefer contacting her by e-mail rather than phoning her because I can be awkward simple don't like talking on the telephone. On the other hand, I can be much more expressive in writing, which is why I prefer e-mailing my gf rather than phoning her. Maybe you can look into that?

2. Most aspies, as well as people with ASD's in general have trouble with eye contact.

3. Some people with Asperger's and autism (though not all) don't like people touching them and thus have problems with physical contact due to sensory issues. The only problem I have with this explanation is that, in that case he shouldn't want anyone to touch him, not just you.

By the way, are you sure that he's got Asperger's? From your original post, it seems like you only think he might be an aspie because of his behaviour but there's no indication that he's got an official diagnosis.

He's playing mind games with you.

Maybe he was upset that you didn't have sex with him on the vacation and now he's trying to make you jealous.

Just date someone else or be bold and blunt with him. Tell him that you need direct communication. Tell him you are confused on whether he likes you or not.

You may get your answer. He's going to continue to play more head games with you until you've had enough and you go away sad.

Eh, what's not to say he's both? Some of us can be real douchebags by nature, and not by misunderstanding.

Haha there's a LOT more interpretations of this than I anticipated!

Bottom line? Be blunt with him, ask him straight up where he stands. It's apparently the oooonly way...

Jerk? No. AS? Impossible to say from your post. Nervous being around you? Very likely.

Do you like him? If he does have AS, would you be willing to tolerate the fact that he does not express himself or have the same intuition as other men?

If so, you should contact him and tell him you want to go out with him again.

^Some men get really upset if a woman doesn't make the first move and doesn't just get that he wants to have sex with her.

Have met some men like this and instead of talking about feelings he will expect the woman to get all of his social cues because it is claimed that women just get these things way better than men.

Either way, if she's feeling confused, agitated and frustrated, she needs to ask him bluntly if he likes her or should she just back off. You'd think women would be more prone to do the guessing game but alot of guys do that now too.

The keyword is "some".

OP, this question has been asked by so many NT women in many different ways: is he an Aspie or a jerk? The two conditions are not mutually exclusive. There are plenty of Aspies who are decent, kind, caring individuals. There are plenty of Aspies who are lying sacks of shiz. Aspie or not, you still have to consider this man's actions, and what those actions tell you about his character.

It seems to me that you've allowed yourself to become lost in the weeds by focusing on whether he's Aspie or not. Look, he hasn't called you in six months - does it matter if he's Aspie or not? A person who cared for you would get in touch, right? Why are you still allowing him to occupy your thoughts? Let him go - you deserve better.