To forgive or not to forgive?

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I have been friends with this guy for 7 years. We've been in contact on and off. He's tall and handsome, and thinks like a robot. He has AS, and I met him at college. We almost dated then, but at the time I was too scared, so he was a friend to me instead. We lived together at that college for a couple of months, and he saw the worst side of me, but still accepted me.

He's into philosophy, and we have nothing in common except AS.

I was on the phone to him the other day, and he was making this philosophical point, which I was trying very hard to get, but couldn't. He then gave me this example: "OK, let's say we have a very stupid person, who doesn't get this point" - which happened to be the same point he was making to me. I thought "ouch" but still went on with the conversation.

We then got to this subject of how women think, and when I explained that I wasn't satisfied with life, he hinted that maybe I needed a boyfriend. Well I got in too deep into this conversation of how I thought (feeling numb and wanting to be depressed) and I was trying to analyse how I felt. He then responded with "I think you need to see a psychologist. Let's change the subject". This upset me. So then I told him that I had to go, and he asked me if I wanted to meet up with him, and I said I was busy.

I'm in different minds about what to do. It's mainly that "example" he gave me that bothers me the most. I don't want to be with someone who looks down on me. Yet, earlier on in the conversation he said that he wanted to talk to me, cos he thought that I'd understand him and that he couldn't have the same conversation with any other woman. He, like a few others, has told me that I think like a man.

Can someone advise me on what to do? We both said we were looking for an open relationship, but now I'm not sure. I mean, have I over-reacted to him or do you think it was a misunderstanding? Or am I justified?

you should ask him. maybe it was a poorly placed attempt at humour?

At the time, I said something like, "This sounds like you're making a big hint aimed at me, but I assume you aren't" with a nervous giggle, and he didn't say anything. I don't really know what to make of it.

I think when he said "go see a psychologist" he just became uncomfortable with talking about feelings and he was trying to find an easy way out. Probably an AS thing, but not a very good trait in a relationship.

The 'example' thing is more complicated. I would find it strange if he really meant what he said, maybe it was just a misunderstanding and he was just trying to explain this point to you. Has he said stuff before that makes you think he looks down on you?

I'm probably not good at giving advice on these kind of things though, I tend to misunderstand those situations myself

I would've thought it wasn't good in a relationship either. Aren't a lot of men bad with talking about feelings, though?



Actually, sort of. When I first met him, I didn't have any GCSEs and I think he said something about that at the time which upset me. I couldn't talk to him for a couple of days, and he kept trying to talk to me to see what was up. I told him I didn't like talking about it, and that I hated it whenever I was made to feel stupid. Then he responded with, "Knowledge isn't everything", which was the opposite of what he had said before, which was - "Knowledge IS everything".

Hey, at least you've tried to give me advice, and I really appreciate it because you've given some time to help me.

Erm, he doesn't sound terribly sensitive and has a tendency to say things that upset/hurt you. You also have nothing in common other than AS. I'm thinking there are plenty of other fish in the sea.

He sounds pretty selfish. He wants you to listen (which can be common when in monologue mode) but doesn't care for your input. Is a relationship worth his hurtful comments (however unintentional they are)?

You're all right - I just needed confirmation because I told my nan this and she tried to convince me that maybe it was me who misunderstood. It seemed rather obvious to me that he was rude, and I had the gut feeling that he wasn't interested in who I was. My nan and my mother always do that. I'm so glad I have the ability to think for myself or at least question, because I'd otherwise end up a doormat like they are.

And you're so right curlyfry - it's not worth putting up with someone who hurts you even if it is unintentional.

Thanks for your input, everyone.

"Let's say we have a very stupid person who doesn't get this point" ouch. I hope he didn't really mean you. Either that or he wasn't thinking. Or maybe it was directed at you but he did it indirectly thinking you wouldn't catch it. Never underestimate an aspie. We're not blind to all cues or reading between the lines.

But I wouldn't want to be with someone either who things down of me and has negative thoughts about me. He may have been honest but honesty does tell you a lot about someone. But at least I give them credit for having the balls to show what kind of people they're really are.


Or you can give him a benefit of a doubt and keep trying to see him and see how things go.

Well yes, he's honest with girls that he wants open relationships, including me. He's very, very private though. Too private, but he's always been that way.

Urgh, he sent me a text today. I don't know what to do. My gut feeling says no, so maybe I should stick to it.

As oceandrop said, there's plenty of fish in the sea. Luckily I have the guts to ask some of them out, even if I am poor at it.

As for someone having the balls to be honest - honesty isn't everything. It means a lot, but if a friend tells you you're boring or makes you out to be stupid, that's mean. There's honesty, and there's being an a***hole.

Gut feelings are normally the ones to go with.



Steer clear of a***holes. There are lots of lovely blokes out there.


Maybe it was unintentional. But even if it was it doesn't really bode well for a relationship. So going with your gut may be the way forward here.