Asperger's Girl & High Functioning Boy?

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I haven't been professionally diagnosed & I'm not sure if the boy I'm talking about has as well (tho he has really hinted towards the fact that he is very aware there is something 'different' about him & he's so scared to tell me what it is - I've joked like "What the hell, are u gay?!" but of course it isn't that. Still he's just so scared to admit "What it is" & I really haven't tried to force it out of him since that conversation MONTHS ago)

But I never would've realised that I am probably Asperger's if it wasn't for me just coming across Autism info from random conversations with ppl & then realising that's what HE probably has & then the more I research the more I'm like "Omg I think I am mildly Asperger's~! !!"

Anyway, rather than trying to run a list of signs and symptoms that I've been learning from all these forums & reading bits & pieces from different sites, books, watching youtube stuff~~~

Just wondering, IF we really are an Asperger's girl & High Functioning boy dynamic... Whether there are any out there - ones who've been diagnosed or u also suspect u are - and how the relationships are? If there are significant problems & how u overcame them? etc?

In this experience so far I have to say that this boy has really catapulted me into so much introspection & self-awareness, attempts at self-improvement that I just can't believe he's NOT the right guy for me, because he has already changed my life so much ever since I met him. Still we end up see-sawing between extreme examples of masculine & feminine qualities.

Sometimes he just seems completely inept at expressing his emotions, then other times he will suddenly say something in less than 20 words & it's just so precisely, the exact words I needed to hear. Whereas I just have to rant on and on and on and on & still, I don't really find my point or realise some things about what I'm feeling or what I meant to try to say until after about 50 attempts or so! (& he seems genuinely amused & finds me really irresistibly endearing for this?!?! ! Crazy man! LOL)

Like I accuse HIM of being disabled with communicating his feelings but it's always upon reflection that I see he always did it thru his actions & in his few words they were more effective than with all my thousands and thousands of words, & I am just so afraid to show any of my affections thru actions. It is very very scary for me & especially in public situations, like we have a community of ppl who are starting to be aware that we've been dating & suddenly that's making us BOTH freeze because the friends are well-meaning but also tend to joke & tease & we're both over 25, it feels like we're still stuck in high school kind of nervousness, & I kno we both kno logically, there is nothing to fear, but still, it's just a lot of social pressure.

Especially from my mother, she is like "Why don't u talk on the phone everyday? Isn't that what normal boys & girls do when they're dating? Are you sure you even like each other enough?!" & it's like... well... just because we don't call each other every day doesn't mean we don't like each other enough... in fact I think it's because we feel too deeply, we need space to absorb all the emotions we're experiencing, otherwise we wouldn't kno how to cope with the rest of daily life activities or finish any of our other projects~!

Anyway~ yeah~ u can see how I have this tendency to write & write & write. & what I do love about him is that he completely accepts me for this. He has verbally welcomed it & he always reads every word that I write, even if I write him up to 10 emails a day. (This is when I realised, he is so unique - cos my ex was like "WTF is wrong with u?!?! !" & in hindsight I definitely saw how my ex was just a frustrated neurotypical & I was just also completely unaware of "WTF was wrong with me" ~_~)

Anyway, the current boy, he RARELY replies, & only if he's finally finished a project & he can relax a bit, but he is also an engineer & he gets ABSORBED into his work & "MIA" for days & weeks, but the next time we connect when he has the energy to connect with me, he'll quote my exact words or know exactly what I'm talking about as my latest problems cos I've been mentioning it in the emails & it's like "woah... u really have been reading all my random crap even tho u can't just pick up a phone & ask me how I'm doing?!?!" - like he'll still have time at the end of the day to read my emails, but by that time i'm probably asleep, that's why I just had to write out whatever I wanted to write at the moment I wanted to write it.

& still he is totally unable to initiate a "just calling for the sake of calling" kind of phone call. I fought this so much at the start before I realised he could be High Functioning Autistic. We're so much more PEACEFUL now that I've let that go~~ LOL - & his defenses before was always, "I'm just not good at calling people and chatting" & I was like, "What kind of a reason is that?!" I couldn't empathise with it at all but I also couldn't stop myself from calling him when I just wanted to anyway~ & sometimes, when he is very stressed with project deadlines, he will ignore my call. However, what I only just recently learned is that if it's like the last 30 minutes of the working day when I kno his boss & coworkers wouldn't care either, it's like a little gap in his stress-ness & when I call, he is very happy to talk! but after work, he doesn't like to talk because he sits on the silent carriage in the train & he wants to just rest or read news or stare into space or whatever.

& with all my emails, at the start I was very insecure about the fact that he never replied, but then the next time we talk face to face or on the phone, he's so positive about them that I just kept bugging him, "so why don't u reply?!" & he's like "I don't know why I don't reply..." & it's quite a "bemused with himself" tone of voice, & gazing into space, with that pondering look on his face like he's REALLY THINKING & trying to find an answer to my question, but he just can't explain it either~!

Does anyone have anything similar experiences or words of advice/other opinions??

I don't really have much experience but I think I can at least point out that the 'normal' rules of a relationship don't necessarily apply. Find something that works for both of you.

If either of you don't know how to communicate in a certain way, it's just not going to happen. I too find it strange that he won't answer your messages, but at least you know he's listening.

As for phone calls maybe I can help here... I haven't got a clue what's appropriate. When to call, why to call, how to call (as in how to start a random phone conversation or "just calling for the sake of calling". If I have a purpose I'm fine. If the purpose isn't quite clear or if I can't adequately put into words my reason for calling then it's just not going to happen. Maybe something similar to this is the case for your boyfriend.

Another thing to consider is that there may be no 'need' to call. Perhaps your emails and messages are sufficient to let him know what's happening. I don't know...

You may want to ask yourself if it really matters to you. If this whole thing pretty much works for both you for now you might want to just leave it as is. Who cares what your mom says?

Yea that sounds like him, he does call when there is a purpose, like setting the actual time, date & location of our next date! haha~ but even with stuff like that, he is extremely nervous at the start of the call, I can hear him breathing so nervously~ I find it so cute, I just don't understand why he would even think there's any way I would reject him?!

I constantly feel like, "Isn't it obvious?? The way that I am that I am totally head over heels for you??" but when talking to other female friends they are like "Why don't u show him more that u like him??" & I always think, "Isn't it obvious???" It's like I thought I have shown a lot but apparently I don't & I still think I'm already pushing myself out of my own comfort zones just to SHOW him how much I like him, but everyone is like "No, it's not obvious at all"

& yea I do care what my Mum says tho... it's why I keep trying to research more & I try to talk to her about the fact that he might be autistic & I might have Asperger's - my mother says, "I don't kno what you have, but it's a "can't stop talking and talking" syndrome" - like she can even admit & joke about it like that. I can't stop talking when I talk to my Mum cos I am 100% comfortable with her. & she lets me talk & talk about whatever topic I'm interested in, until she is like "I really need to sleep now, can we stop talking?" then that's when I stop even tho I still have so much energy & want to keep talking about that thing~! With classmates, coworkers, I start off very shy & it takes me a long time to feel comfortable or they are the type who welcome my 'quirks' otherwise I can't be friends with them at all. & I do consciously suppress urges to keep talking & talking with them...

& yea, I have learned to feel much more comfortable with this when I just let go of all the "normal" rules of a relationship. He even said to me at the start, he doesn't care about "rules" - because I approached him first! & I was so shy, I was like "This is so out of character for me. I know I'm the girl & I'm not supposed to approach first" & he was like "It's okay. I don't care about rules" - in hindsight that was a first sign that I didn't pick up on at all, haha, I was just so amazed, he was a refreshingly "individualistic" guy to me. & even my friends were like "He must REALLY like you because a normal guy wouldn't want a girl to approach him first" & I was like, "Woww...." hahaha

& then as we got to kno each other more, I kept having urges to call him, but then I feel so shy, but then I wrote to him about it, then he wrote back about how he's not good at calling & added "but if it's not against your rules, you can call me whenever you want. I will always pick up. Or I will always try to call you back. I will always reply" - tho he hasn't "always" like 100% of each of my attempts, especially when he gets engrossed in a work project, but it's good to know that he had those intentions... hahaha

It's funny we had this constant dialogue of trying to figure out each other's "rules" at the start, & because I naturally do that to people because, I do find that I step on ppl's toes because I don't kno what they're expecting of me, culturally/socially & my friends were like "Why are u asking a guy stuff like this?!" but then he has never responded with anything like "you're a weirdo, girls don't need to talk about it like this", he has always just replied to the best of his abilities & been totally honest about where he stands on things, which has helped immensely. & he was so grateful that I let him kno my "rules" - which really boils down to, just be honest with me. There's really no other major requests that I have except for honesty.

I wonder if we do get married that I should find ways to get us properly diagnosed & then write a book about it? HAHAHAHA~~ Tho it's going to take at least 5 yrs to get married, the way we're going... very very slowly... hahahaha... but at the start of dating he brought it all up first, & my mother was like "Wow this boy is serious about you! Normal boys don't bring up marriage that quickly" - there's many points in hindsight that I see, he was kind of "rushed" in an uncontrollable way, like he was doing his best to pace himself & yeah it probably would've freaked out a normal girl that he brought up marriage talk so soon, but I just found it so comforting, because I always hated the "games" played by normal boys & girls, always tip-toeing around the subject, I'm like, JUST GIVE IT TO ME STRAIGHT. I can't stand games. I see no point in it - Are you interested? Yes or No? Do you care about me? Yes or No? Do you see a future here? Yes or No? - & the brilliant thing with this boy is that he can give it to me straight! "yes, yes, yes" has been all his responses ^_^

Still, I say all this very happily however I've not had the chance yet to talk to him seriously about whether or not he's been diagnosed, or whether or not he will acknowledge that he is probably autistic... I've written it heaps on emails tho & he hasn't rejected any of my accusations of him being autistic - LOL... I find with him, if it's a "No" he'll say it immediately & then the silences are usually just him smiling to himself on the other side of the computer screen~~ Cos I've accused him of DEPRESSION at the start when I just didn't kno about Autism yet & he was immediately like, "NO. I'm not depressed. Don't think about it like that." & I was like "Then what is it??? Why are you like this???" & I feel so bad that I reacted like that now but he was just like, silent & he couldn't answer me... that was a pretty awkward moment, and then I changed the subject so it got better in the conversation that day. hahahaha~~ The good thing is I can laugh about everything, so I always end up making him laugh too ^_^

I have to be honest... when you talk about your mom and your friends... I don't think they know what the hell they're talking about.

From what you've said it seems clear to me that you both like each other. You don't need to "show it more".

"He must REALLY like you because a normal guy wouldn't want a girl to approach him first" ~ This is completely wrong.

"Why don't u talk on the phone everyday? Isn't that what normal boys & girls do when they're dating? Are you sure you even like each other enough?!" ~ Lol. You don't need to talk everyday. And it's not like if you miss a few you don't like each other. Do what you are both comfortable with, don't just follow some random 'rules' your parents talked to you about. They're useful to a point but as the relationship progresses and you get to know each other better they become less relevant.

To me it sounds like you're both comfortable with each other at the moment, but you're a bit worried about what other people think and how you compare to other 'normal' relationships. There really is no 'normal' relationship, and there's no concrete steps you can take for success. Everyone likes to give their own advice but in reality no relationship is likely to be the same... Maybe try explaining to people that you're happy the way things are? (Assuming you are... I'm still not quite clear on that).