My thoughts on "You'll find someone if you stop looking

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As mentioned by Grisha in a thread.

I think it all depends on what you're like normally. I mean, if you do a lot of things and get yourself out there and meet lots of people, men and women as friends and people to chat to and even know superficially, appearing less desperate for a date might make the women/men you already socialise with see a more positive side of you.

If normally you don't do anything or very much, then "You'll find someone if you stop looking" is pretty much never true unless you have an *EXTREMELY* good stroke of well, unpredictable luck. IE: You go to the supermarket and find your love there. (very unlikely.. but it probably HAS happened)

I'm more inclined to believe the first paragraph I've written here is what the people meant when they came up with the phrase.

Thoughts?

Perhaps purposeful, intentional, mindful, actions and thoughts can't make something happen no matter what effort you put into that desire. Rather what happens is maybe a more sub-concious act of connection between others. You have to allow the natural flow of such a relationship to develop, you don't purposefully and intentionally create it. The opportunity arises and presents itself to you. But you don't neccesarily have to be conciouss of the fact such a bond is being formed between you and the other person you interact with.

I think the "not looking thing" that a lot of people say, usually it is people already in relationships- is ridiculous. How are you supposed to find anything if you dont put any effort into looking for it? If you are sitting at home not looking for a date, the pizza delivery boy isnt just going to turn up with a 24 carat engagement ring and some champagne.

My friend met her husband through speed dating. She was looking, she went to a dating thing. A lot of people meet their partners at parties etc, some even at work. But if you are single you are always looking, unless you are intentionally off the market. So the idea that you are supposed to stop looking is silly, as subconsciously you will still be looking.

I don't believe in fate and little in luck, so i don't take by this advice.

But I am a zero-pursuer male, so it's not like I am looking aggressively anyways.

Everyone except Laz seems to have mis-interpreted the thread. Maybe I should work on my wording

I think it's the exact same sentiment as "A watched pot doesn't boil."

Meaning that not looking won't literally increase your odds of a relationship. In fact for non-NTs they'll probably decrease it. But it seems like they mean "if you're not desperate to be in a relationship, you won't feel the sting of not being in one moment by moment. If you aren't as desperate then when one does come along it will comparatively seem that you haven't been looking or trying for one" (although of course most everyone wants closeness with other people).

I agree with your first paragraph hale bopp, from my observations, as long as there's nothing *too* wrong with you, all you have to do is keep showing up at places. unfortunately that is not an option for many of us.

my friends universally belong to the "stop looking" crowd, because they have *all* met their partners/husbands/wives in weird daily situations while they were not looking. it's hard to talk some "correlation does not equal causation" sense into NTs though

I'd suspect that if there's something inherently weird about you it's more obvious to a stranger than it is to people who know you well; hence their "stop looking" is bad advice if you want to succeed - they simply can't see your flaws clearly. you can have your go at the "numbers game" though and that's how this tactic could ever work for us.

I think when you have people in relationships saying that kind of phrase though they are looking at in hindsight because they forget what its like to be in the situation you are in now. But fundamentally I don't think the original intention behind such a phrase, in its truest sense of the word is wrong. You can't create the outcome you desire, you simply live it out. If you are living and participating in life then others will join you. If you are sat waiting at the railway station for someone to help you buy the ticket and get on the journey well sorry people just arn't wired that way

If you are inert in any aspect of your life, you might as well be dead

Well yeah going around playing with a calculator to tally up and analyze romantic hits and misses WOULD be bizarre but I think the subconscious already does that. People are well-disguised machines. Or not-so-well-disguised.