Confidence

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This is a subject I see many different ideas upon.

I shall give my take upon this, I hope others will give their take.

As I see it there is not one universally agreeable definition of confidence. I am confident most of the time. My social skills may suck but I don't care that much. I am known as a nice guy (does that make me self-proclaimed ) but I can stand up to aggressors.

(Edited because I feel I may have made myself out to sound like a thug. My intention was merely to state I originate from a fairly tough area and learned confidence in self-defence)

The best I can describe this confidence is a feeling of superiority (deserved or not). It has not deserted me to this day. Two years ago I used to walk through two of the most dangerous streets of South Yorkshire on my way home at night.

However this does not seem to be the confidence that most prospective partners want.

They seem to want someone who dares to talk to them (I dare if I knew what to say), but these guys are not always the ones who would defend theirs or their neighbours' property.

In my opinion social skills are often seen as confidence. I know people who have both, don't get me wrong on that. It does seem to me social skills are mistaken for confidence unless I have misunderstood the meaning of the term.

What do ou think confidence truly means and are there any tips you can give to others like myself who seem to misunderstand?

Last edited by Neotokyomushroom on 13 Sep 2011, 6:55 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Last edited by smudge on 17 Sep 2011, 5:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.

+1

I like me too, but my social skills couldn't be worse...

Confidence is a lot like athleticism it can't be taught

From what I've taken from the answers so far, would social confidence be different to physical or intellectual confidence? I know the latter two I have less problems than most.

Maybe confidence is underdefined when it is related to different spheres of interaction.

Also could confidence within the "spheres" i have just mentioned be further subdivided? I have less problems performing in front of a crowd than most. Could that just be my physical confidence though?

The definition of confidence still intrigues me.

Confidence means lacking the assumption of inferiority to others.

Confidence is to operate without fear in various spheres in life, facing up to things and taking risks.

But it is a strange thing. What if you are confident yet know you dont have the skills to deal with a particular situation. Does this make you less of a confident person?

Also you can be confident in some spheres but unconfident in other situations.

In some respect confidence is a healthy degree of self dellusion that enables you to lift the constraints on your situation

I will give an example here. I am going to a party in a few weeks, a family birthday. My brother wants me to get more confident so I can face the party. I will be going, but the reason I dont want to go to the party is not that I am afraid of the people there, but because my brain amplifies sensory data, and I know that party is going to be really uncomfortable. I am probably going to have to drink a 6 pack of beer while i am there to dampen my senses.

But according to my brother, my problems are all with confidence, and if I was confident these sensory problems will go away. Well, they wont.

Oddly enough, it does not. I am confident when I know I have the skills for a particular situation but lose confidence when I know I am unprepared for a particular situation. But I have been in the company of truly globally confident people and have noticed something about them. Even when they know they don't have the skills to deal with a particular situation, they do it anyway, figuring they will pick up the skills on the fly or that they will muddle through somehow or that even if they fail spectacularly, at least they get something out of trying.

That particular quality is mesmerizing to watch in action. Seeing somebody just charge right in and go for it even when they know they are in over their head is amazing to watch. This is a part of why women like confidence. But I am captivated watching this in all sorts of people, men, women, children, anybody. Lots of toddlers have it and it's part of why it's so fun to watch them. They have almost no skills but that doesn't stop them. Somewhere along the way, many people lose that confidence that comes naturally to a 2 year old. The ones who can hang on to it- or who can re-discover it-find that success in various things sometimes comes along with the multiple failures. And the multiple failures are inevitable because lack of skill means that the endeavor often won't work. But multiple attempts (including failed attempts) build up skill which leads to success.

Watch a toddler fall on their butt as they try to walk across the playground, then get up and keep walking. That's confidence despite lack of skills. And it eventually leads to being able to walk very well. I admire those who can go into things with this attitude and I try to cultivate it in myself. I tried rock climbing even though I was scared of smashing myself against the rock. And I smashed myself against the rock. But nothing broke and I felt so much more confident for even having dared to try despite no skills.

Last edited by Janissy on 13 Sep 2011, 4:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Posted after I wrote 3 wordy paragraphs saying more or less the same thing. You said it more elegantly.

Yes, I see what you mean. My kitten is a good example of this, she goes towards danger rather than away from it. She has many scratches on her head from approaching cats that are hissing at her... : /

I always base my confidence on skills i believe I actually have. Maybe that is my problem...

That's very aspie of you Zen

I think thats also half the reason most psychologists working in this field think someone is "depressed" or "lacks confidence" because they don't understand that a person on the spectrum is naturally inclined to base their sense of the world in a somewhat logical and rationale base.

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Last edited by smudge on 17 Sep 2011, 5:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I have the same sort of confidence about violence. I don't know why but I'm close to immune to fear of violence in a general sense. My attitude is that I'm what goes bump in the night, not something external.

But that was different from relative confidence around women. That came later and took substantial effort and experimentation.

Hmm...

I'm not sure confidence really is about deluding yourself. For example, wakling into a situation you should have been better prepared for is, in a sense, taking responsibility for your lack of preparation, and facing up to your lumps head-on instead of avoiding the mess you had a hand in.

For me, confidence is more about not giving into your fear and unease, about owning them and therefore removing the power they can hold over you, allowing you to make a choice.