I absolutely suck at first dates. Any advice?

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Diamorphine
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11 Aug 2011, 5:54 am

I'm fine on second dates/subsequent meetings, once i'm more comfortable with the person, but I SUCK at first dates. Reason being is that I'm very anxious and because of that I can't think of a damn thing to say/talk about.

It's not so bad if it's a girl that loves to talk constantly, but when it isn't, there ends up being a lot of "awkward silence" time.

I have no problem coming up with more topics after I meet the girl once, but I hate coming off as a softspoken person on first dates when I'm really not. First impressions stick.

(I have AS, btw.)



izzeme
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11 Aug 2011, 6:08 am

you could try explaining this problem beforehand, so the girl in question knows what to expect, and is more likely to offer a new topic if the current one dies off.

and dont think you have it very bad, you are getting dates, which is something a lot of us in L&D cannot say



Diamorphine
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11 Aug 2011, 6:10 am

izzeme wrote:
you could try explaining this problem beforehand, so the girl in question knows what to expect, and is more likely to offer a new topic if the current one dies off.

and dont think you have it very bad, you are getting dates, which is something a lot of us in L&D cannot say


I explain to them I have social anxiety (I never tell them I have AS though), and that i'm quieter the first time around until I get comfortable around them. They USUALLY understand, but the first dates still have a lot of awkward silence when it's not that type of girl that loves the sound of her own voice. I wish there were more of those. XD



Ilka
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11 Aug 2011, 6:23 am

Why dont you try the first date to be in an environment where you do not need to talk much? For example, watching a movie, going to a museum, or an excursion (the guide will do all the talking). That will also provide conversation material, because you can talk about the activity afterwards.



URtheALIEN
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11 Aug 2011, 7:10 am

I have to agree with Ilka, a movie or other environment where speeking is less of an issue is a great way to transition through that first date/getting to know you time. I always (in the past, I am married now) warned my dates that I am a bit quiet/odd/don't like people and then, when I didn't talk much it was less of a surprise.


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Grisha
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11 Aug 2011, 7:46 am

1. Observe Grisha on a first date.
2. Do complete opposite.



cozysweater
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11 Aug 2011, 8:08 am

If I do the movie or non-talking type thing on a first date it just delays the horrible awkwardness to the second date.

I think the trick is to get your date to do most of the talking. Ask them questions about themselves, their work/school, their interests etc. It not only takes the pressure off you to think of something to say but it makes you seem interested in them.



AsteroidNap
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11 Aug 2011, 11:12 am

I was a lot like you. What I found works best for me is to ask questions of my date. The trick with this however, is not to come of as an interrogation, :P To avoid that, I don't just fire off question after unrelated question. I really try to listen to what my date is saying and follow through with relevant comments and further questions.

If that thread of conversation starts to die, then you can ask your next tangential/unrelated question.



SadAspy
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11 Aug 2011, 11:55 am

At least you're attractive enough to get a first date.



CaroleTucson
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11 Aug 2011, 2:06 pm

cozysweater wrote:
If I do the movie or non-talking type thing on a first date it just delays the horrible awkwardness to the second date.

I think the trick is to get your date to do most of the talking. Ask them questions about themselves, their work/school, their interests etc. It not only takes the pressure off you to think of something to say but it makes you seem interested in them.


Bingo.

This is the best solution. People will be much more likely to connect with you if they believe you're interested in them.



simon_says
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11 Aug 2011, 3:14 pm

You probably have special interests. Pick one that is more likely to interest someone else and use it when the subject of you comes up. Remember to not drone on.

But going into questions mode is good too. Some combination of the two should get you through the initial awkwardness.



Artros
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11 Aug 2011, 4:49 pm

Question mode is always my answer to this sort of issue.


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Diamorphine
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11 Aug 2011, 6:22 pm

SadAspy wrote:
At least you're attractive enough to get a first date.


Well that's your fault. If you're overweight, lose weight. If you have greasy, unkempt hair, take better care of it. If you smell, take more showers. If you have bad teeth, brush them more.

Any guy could be attractive enough to get a girl if they try barring the possibility they have a facial deformity, which people with AS don't. (unless you have something else, in which case i;m sorry)



HybridAP
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11 Aug 2011, 8:26 pm

I really never liked the whole idea of dating to begin with. I think there is just far too much stress and expectations put on it, and in the process of trying to show off and make yourself likable, you might not really give your date the impression of who you really are. If you're having problems with a first date, why not just make it something less formal? If you spend the time in a more relaxed and casual way, there's much less stress to deal with and you don't have to worry about you or the other person trying to "show off" and not really acting like your everyday self.



URtheALIEN
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12 Aug 2011, 7:21 am

HybridAP,

I really relate to what you said, but it appears that NTs are a bit like other critters in having a "mating display" and the first date seems to be part of that process. What I mean, incase I wasn't clear, was most animals have some sort of dance, song, what ever that serves to attract their mate. We humans do the dinner, talk (about our statis and interests), act interested and so on. There are a lot of things going on in this that seem to send ques to the NT mind that we (ok, maybe I should say "I") miss. When you listen attentively and act interested this seems to send the message that you will remain attentive to the other, I don't think this follows, after all, just because someone listens to your story about a fifth grade bully or your Grand Mothers cookies, how does that presume to show that you will not cheat/abandom them/be a slob after the relationship starts? By talking about stuff you have accomplished you are sending some kind of que that you have good genes to pass on and will be a good provider, REALLY? Ok, so if I talk about serving 11 years in the military does that show commitment, or that I don't like changing things so once I was in I didn't really know how to leave? If I talk about scholastic achievements does that show I am intelligent, or that I didn't have a social life to distract from the work? I know I am weird to NTs but they are just as confusing to me....

HybridAP your idea of just being yourself is great, let them see the real you not the "dressed up and on my best behavior self" that usually goes on a date. Too bad few others seem to want to/be able to do that......


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