judge my poem please so i dont embarass myself (too much)

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I wrote this poem for a girl im not going out with yet so i wonder about that

I see you in the midday it feels like my brains full of taurine
Im like a robot unicorn fuelled by rainbow gasoline
I sit here ranting about all the sh** I hate
Until I see your nice eyes and begin to contemplate
my sillieness
Cant wait to see you again
our coversation is like an apartment bomb set by Menachmem Begin
explosive crazy, wont you join my supernova
we'll frolic and play in valleys and problems will solve em


Tell me what yall think

I don't suppose you have 'coversation' in the actual poem. That sort of poem seems to be of the type where it would have to appeal to her specific tastes in poetry, and whatever's happening with you two. What I mean is, you're the one who knows her; If she's the type to like a poem like that, go for it. If not, don't. I mean, that's a slightly violent-sounding poem. A supremely shy girl wouldn't like it, or so I'd think. *shrug*

If it is private poetry meant for yourself, fine.

If you mean to show it to her, you are just gonna creep her out.

Who deleted my post?

Well, it said, unless you know her really well, it would be seen as creepy. Even then it possibly could.

you had me at "robot unicorn fuelled by rainbow gasoline".

I think it's great!

While I am not at all qualified to comment on the wisdom of giving it to her one way or the other - I liked it, it was clever

I didn't see any "creepiness" in it at all - it's not like about how you are madly in love with her and want her to bear your children or something...

It all depends on who it is for, if it's for a girl he doesn't know that well, regardless of what it says, it could be seen as creepy that he wrote a poem for her at all.

You have to be realistic. These are teenage girls we are talking about.

What kind of girls she is? Is she within your league? Is she into poetry and literature?
Is she the calm unsocial type or the talkative social type?

If she's the latter, then you're risking that she'll make a big fuss out of it , show it to her girl friends and make a public mockery about it.
I saw it happening to my former best friend , ages ago at school ( I think we were around 12s.). He dropped a letter into her bag, and the next she showed it to her friends and made a jerking circle, she even showed her to some teachers wit ill-intention but , of course, they were mature enough to find it cute.

I recall well that the bullying lasted for months, I even tasted a bit of it because I was accused of being the one who wrote it (Well, because I was known to be excellent at Arabic literature.....and basically...they were right, I helped him).

I am not trying to discourage you, but I am telling you a real-life story to make you understand the kind of risks you might face.

If you're that desperate for her, your best chance is to ask her out in the usual way. Your percentage of chance will be the same, If she doesn't like you then she doesn't like you and the poem won't make you more attractive. If she likes you then you'r attractive to her. If she's jerk, you'll be able to tell that by her way of rejection, but giving her a tangible material like a poem on paper, she would exploit it to the fullest.

What I am trying to say, that the poem won't make a difference to increase your attractiveness to her (it's not even that good anyways) + the risk of public bullying. Its disadvantages > its advantages.

and remember, back then there was no facebook or twitter and the internet access was more limited.

Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 01 Oct 2011, 11:24 am, edited 1 time in total.

Boo is right.

I have been a teenage girl.

And there is nothing cool or attractive about writing a girl a poem when you're 16. The reason for this is it makes you seem sensitive and that is not an "alpha" trait. There may be a chance some girls that age would think it's cute, but I'm just trying to be honest. Most wouldn't. I know you have sweet intentions, which is a shame, but really we are trying to save you a lot of embarrassment. My advice will be don't go ahead with giving it to her.

Yea, it's not worth it. Your dignity should be above anything else.

The usual way is your only best option, regardless how hard it sounds.

I am sorry, Ztrain.

I like the poem. It depends on the girl really. Some girls may be into this, some may not. I thought it was funny... and I like unicorns.

The valleys bit at the end was a bit lewd

'Robot unicorn' conjures up an image of a mechanical erection machine

But he,y I kinda liked it too

I am a desperate lonely robot
I like to dispatch my oil a lot
Heads down , for I am the shooter
My unicorn is a deadly booster
My aiming app is on autopilot
Try dodging it, you escargot.

I would've loved it when I was 16. actually I can't think of a time when I wouldn't have loved having a poem written for me. maybe back when I couldn't read yet

depends on the person really.

the OP needs to ask himself whether or not he could date someone who wouldn't appreciate it.

too intellectual. mentioning things not known by most people such as taurine or menachem begin is not a good idea, for a love poem.

So you think it's not creepy?

Let's see your reaction about this one:

My soul is born when Anna in the land.
My heart is cursed to rhythm like a band
Is she real or just a another dream
Another thought in my inside stream
Or maybe assuming too much beforehand
About things which I cannot demand.

Regardless of this, she's the princess
A Word from her holy mouth
And I promote her to a goddess
She is my flame, I am her moth
Set me afire to get her warmness.


NOW.....time to get the creep!!