Boyfriends mum won't meet me

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Hello,

Little advice required on a bit of a tricky situation please

I've been with my boyfriend for around 3 months now.. all is going great, we're really happy together. My boyfriend is a carer for his mum, who relies on him quite a lot. She lives with him but has began the process of finding sheltered housing so will be moving out at some point in the next year.

She has completely refused to meet me, which is up to her really.. it's just really awkward when I go to my boyfriend's for the weekend and she doesn't come out of her bedroom at all. I try to ignore it but I can't shake the uncomfortable/guilty feeling that she is miserable and hiding away in her room, surely it can't be all that pleasant for her?!

My boyfriend has spoken to her several times about an introduction but she has refused point blank. Should I try and push for a meeting or leave it up to them?

Any advice would be fabby, thanks

If i was at your place i'd probably write her a brief note saying you'd like to meet her in person, just for a few minutes and completely informally. Maybe it's a better way than your bf doing all the communication. However, good luck!

She has reasons that are known only to her. Maybe her son doesn't even know. I'd respect those boundaries and not push into her sanctuary - or whatever it is she's constructed for herself. If she doesn't want the intrusion, don't intrude.

She may be upset about having to move & is blaming you for stealing her son away from caring for her.

This can be the case.

Another case could be from past experiences or she is just very shy but since she is an old person I would say its the selfish part of not letting her son go that's doing it, she sees you as a threat.

I could be reading too much into it but I wouldn't say its impossible, a lot of old people are lonely and will do anything to keep one person as company, I should know since I'm a cleaner that has a contract at a retirement home and I'm left standing there talking to an old person for a good half an hour before I can try and wiggle away to do my job, I'm just lucky they stay in their rooms most of the time.

Thank you guys for sharing your insights

Really interesting and whilst the situation hasn't changed at all, it's made me feel a lot more reassured as some of the points have been what I've been thinking myself.

Whenever I've been frustrated by her stubborness I've been more prone to thinking that she is punishing me/my boyfriend for pushing her out.. which is not the case at all but it's how she may be seeing it. But I can see how she would feel threatened by his new relationship, so without wanting to patronise her I do feel sorry for her.

Think for the time being I'll just continue to take a step back and remember this advice whenever I get the urge to knock on her door and say hello!! Hopefully she will come round in time as I think this relationship will be for the long haul and I would like her to be included in our future.

Thanks again

I get the sense that you're British? Here's my thought, and perhaps it's because I read a lot of Dickens and other 18th/19th Century British novelists, but could it be a class thing?

What you describe could be that she feels you're beneath her station or unworthy of her son because of a lower class. Of course I don't know your situation, so what I say is idle fancy. Her reaction just struck me as a reaction you find in one of those characters out of Charles Dickens.

Ha ha! AsteroidNap, I am indeed

Your post just made me chuckle so much.. partly because it's so very true! And unbelievably I had this conversation with my boyfriend a while ago..

I'm not from the same area and as a joke I said to my boyfriend something along the lines of "How will your mum feel about you slumming it with the likes of me?" (He has this very upper crust sounding English accent and I imagine his mum would be something similar) I expected him to laugh as well and totally dismiss the idea that I'm not posh enough for his mum but he replied, "Errr, well I'm sure she'll get used to it!" Not the reassurance I was looking for!

I really don't know anything about the woman so it could be none of the above comments at all and that I'm just too much of a commoner for her son

Thanks for the advice and the LOL

You're welcome I'm kind of an Anglophile, so I love a lot of things British. Perhaps you can make a point that if Kate Middleton is accepted by the Queen, surely your bf's mother could accept you.

On second thought, perhaps she's appalled that Kate was accepted so warmly....don't know I guess.

Hee.. I'll be sure to let you know her thoughts on the matter if I ever get round to having a conversation with her

You know, this spurred a thought...what did Kate Middleton do, in such a high pressure situation, to win over the Royal family? Here's my take from across the pond: She was just herself. That's it. If she had tried too hard, with false compliments, or over-eagerness it would have been seen as disingenuous. She just had to be herself and trust that what William loved in her became something the family loved in her too.


Anyway...yeah, just be yourself and trust that what your bf loves in you will eventually win over the mother.

Sounds like an awkward situation. I guess all you can do is maybe try and show her that you're not some "Big baddie" by leaving a note, or flowers or something. Whatever you communicate try and do it positively even though its probably frustrating, as it seems it is pretty much your "first impression".

Let the mother respond as she wishes.

If the mother does see you as beneath her then trying to talk to her puts the situation on her terms and therefore her advantage.

If there are other reasons then I believe that you’re going to have to wait for the mother to decide for herself that talking to you is ok. I also believe that unfortunately you trying to talk to her makes this less likely, as your simply heightening her awareness of a currently negative element.