I don't wanna screw this up.

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I have a wonderful guy. He's nice, funny and my mom approves of him. He listens to me and comforts me when I'm crying, he sent me flowers, says he loves me and that I'm beautiful and everything I could want from a guy. While I appreciate him I'm worried that I'm going to do something that will screw it all up. In the past I feel like I have screwed up my relationships in some way. The first one was because I was too clingy, leading him to be abusive and cheat, the second one I was too meek and unwilling to put out so he cheated, the third broke up with me because his mother hated me (apparently she thinks I stole food from their house because I'm fat) and now I just want this to go well. I haven't met his parents yet and he says that they'll like me but I'm skeptical. If I screw this relationship up too, I fear that there's no hope for me in finding a partner to grow old with. So what behaviors should I avoid and what things can I do to make sure he knows I'm still worth loving?

All I can suggest is to just trust him to not leave. He does sound like a wonderful guy, and if he says those things about you, he is likely honest about it.

As for your previous partners, the problem was not you, the problem was them.

Last edited by Tim_Tex on 18 Oct 2011, 8:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Be yourself, and tell him that you love him verbally and through gestures. Do things to make him feel happy. Trust that he loves you and thus won't abuse you or cheat on you. If he does abuse/cheat on you, then HE (not you) is the one that screwed up the relationship.

If you want to demonstrate your affection, you can do things that he likes, or give him treats or special surprises, or cook him food, and support him when he's down, show him affection. I find guys usually appreciate these things (I think!). Just show him that you're thinking of him.

Trusting is something I have trouble with. I'm not used to trusting anybody because I expect people to screw me over in some fashion since they usually do. How do I trust people? Or at least just trust him? Not sure how much I can trust other people. >.<

I do a lot of those things as it is...like I did with my previous relationships. Although the individual actions differred based on what the guy liked. I guess I didn't do them correctly for the other guys. I do have the tendency to screw things up when I'm trying to help them along. D:

You sound just like me teach yourself to learn to be less obsessive that is the only advice that I can give.

Divorce is the single biggest stressful event for most people
50% of people divorce

If you love someone set them free....
If they come back to you
They were always yours


If not
Hunt them down and kill them

Last edited by Surfman on 18 Oct 2011, 10:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I agree with Tim_Tex about your previous partners.

I understand completely what you mean about trusting other people. I wish I had an easy answer for you. I have the same problem you do, thus I trust nobody completely (not even my parents). I find what helps me is to take an optimistic approach to trust. Trust everybody who is worthy of your trust automatically to do the right thing by you, but have backup plans prepared in the back of your head just in case they don't. So then you have nothing to fear, because you are prepared for anything (even the worst case scenario) so you can relax.

I don't know if this is healthy or not, but it seems to work for me. I cannot risk trusting anybody blindly after years of broken trust mostly by the people I most trusted or cared about. I think it's important to trust, but you always have to put your own survival and safety first when it comes down to the crunch.

Don't worry Erisad, you're only 22



Just be affectionate and don't stop flirting with him/making an effort when you feel secure in your relationship. Its important that things remain interesting. From his side as well of course.

I think being a little more easy going about it and being mindful of insecurities/negative thoughts is very helpful; you're talking about worrying that this is your last chance at love, you shouldn't think that way, it is self-defeating. Even if the relationship eventually comes to an end, you should be happy that something could matter that much to you at some point in your life, and know that there will be other happy relationships in the future

Isn't obsessiveness part of AS? I could be mistaken.

...what if my only backup plan is dying alone or constantly dealing with my mother asking how I could have screwed that up? Most of my other backup plans involve lots of crying and binging on fatty foods and alcohol until I get over it. After getting over it...I don't know. If I'm still at home, then I'd give up dating as I don't fit in with those in my hometown. If I moved out, I'll probably hang with friends and stuff. Although my bf is also in this circle of friends so it would be awkward so I may have to break of my friendships too for a while.

Vigilans - Yes but time is ticking. I want babies someday and I only have about 18 years to find a partner, marry them and spit out kids until I hit menopause. It seems like a long time but the past 4 years went by in a flash so I'm trying to plan ahead to make the best use of my time. And even if I find someone else, mom won't be satisfied with them unless they're better than my current bf in every way. And I would be miserable with someone that she considers ideal. I don't want to use my online dating account again, the people on there creep me out and I worry about my safety if I go to dinner with one of them. I don't know how many friends I have left that are single at this point and the longer I wait, the more of them will be married and I'll be stuck in the "always a bridesmaid, never the bride" stance. >.<

Would losing weight will help? He says that he'd love me regardless of what I look like but I wonder if I lose all the lovehandles that I'd be better suited. I'd probably be more confident too. I've already lost about 20 pounds since May.

I know I'm being silly about all this and that I'm being illogical in every front. I'll get over it.

Also, he is very much aware of my insecurities. He comforts me through them and tells me it's going to be okay and that he wishes he could help me feel more confident and worry less about stuff. I'll become the confident girl he wants someday, I just hope it doesn't happen when it's too late. >.<

if he likes you then why worry?.... he LIKES you
if he is genuinely nice to you, he enjoys your company, continue to like his.
your life has a long way(you've lived less than a 3rd of it) the fear of being old and alone is a common one, but like most fears, if you let it control you it will lead you to the one thing you fear the most. to not scare him away, in part will take you, to not scare yourself away.......you can do it, baby steps to the door, baby steps to the elevator........
not to mention i've been reading and conversing w/ you for awial and you were a lot worse off(not to make it sound bad, it wasn't) but you've made ground on things.....baby steps

Yes it is part of AS and it is hard to control

I know. I have gotten a lot better. I just have to get myself together and trust that he'll continue to love me as he does now...unless he starts giving me reasons to believe otherwise. I have a pic of the flowers he sent me as the background of my phone and I keep a little card with a love note he wrote to me by my bed so in case I need a pick-me-up, I look at those. I'll be okay. He's talking long term plans. Like, we wanna go to disney world next summer and after a while we can move in together if I can find a job out where he lives (so long as I can get my mom to be okay with it, she isn't. Apparently that's living in sin but we're not Christian so I don't see why that should stop me).

Why would you trust some one ? have you not better things to do with your time than try to make yourself loveable to some one ?

Why would you do such a thing ,

I blame the parents ,let me guess they want you to pop out a child to ?

So buying some mass produced slave laboured made in Honduras dead in a few days items(metaphor for relationships) , which he bought at the service station on his way from work that's "love " is it







I'd be more interested to know if he cooks and cleans for you, does he take the trash out?