I'm a NT and need some help

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I've been friends with this guy, Brandon, for about 3 years now. I've developed feelings for him about a year ago. Sometimes, he changes his mind about me. Like- I ask to come over for like months and he won't let me at all. Then randomly, he lets me come over. He hates hugs and being touched- yet hugs me occasionally (It took him 2 years to finally give me one, and he only hugs me at my house or his house- rarely at school). I've asked him several times how he feels about me, and he usually says "Haven't you asked me this before? I think of you as a good friend." He also tries to get my attention when I am talking to my other friends CONSTATNLY. And, he switched into my English class.
I want to kiss him, and I've asked people how I would go about this and I've gotten close to nothing.
1. Should I?
2. How? When?
3.Does he even like me?
Thanks.

NO; because:

It's respectful and shows appropriate interpersonal boundaries to take folks at their word when answering a direct question. He says he likes you as a friend; nothing more nothing less. How would you feel if a friend, who you are not attracted to romantically, tried to kiss you?

Yes, he has said so more than once. But it's possible to drive him away if you're too pushy. This goes for everyone, not just aspies.

Nothing ventured...

First of all, I have to ask, has this guy been diagnosed with Asperger's? Have the two of you talked about it? If you hope to pursue your affections for him, maybe start with understanding him a little more. If he has it but he doesn't know, try to understand how he must feel. He's probably incredibly frustrated with either the world or himself. Three years is a decent amount of time to know someone; try to bring it up (delicately) if you're not sure where he's at in all of this. Also, learning his physical boundaries is important. Ask him what he's comfortable with, but don't interrogate him. If you put your feelings out there for him, rather than being cryptic (which, I understand is scary for you, because it's putting you in a position to be hurt by him... but he's clearly not going to make himself vulnerable to you, so you have to be confident enough to) he'll give you a straight answer. Tell him how you feel about him, and if he reacts well, tell him you'd like to kiss him. This may sound foreward and intimidating, but being fair and honest is better than the two of you dancing around each other in uncertainty. Hopefully, being open and sincere about your feelings will make him more comfortable with his own... and more comfortable around you. At the very least, if he doesn't reciprocate your feelings, you'll know and you won't have to keep wondering what he's thinking. Things might be a little awkward for a short time, but if this long-term friendship means as much to you as I think it does, it'll work out well whether or not he feels the same way about you.

As for the should/how/when:
You're the only one who can decide whether or not you SHOULD tell a friend that you have romantic feelings for them. If you're honestly afraid he'll reject you and it will ruin your friendship, then you should keep your feelings to yourself... attraction is harmless, and it's something we all have to learn to deal with.
~BUT, if your feelings for him are so strong that it's making it impossible to just be friends with him, then you really should tell him.
If he does have Asperger's, the signs that he's interested in you romantically will be a little different than what most people are used to. The fact that he transferred into your English class could just mean he feels that he'd like to have an allies and he's relatively comfortable around you. If he frequently tries to get your attention when you're talking with your other friends, it's probably because he's feeling a little insecure about you receiving attention from others. Does he consider you his closest friend? Does he have many friends of his own? On the other hand, he might be so uncomfortable about touching you or letting you in his house because he truly cares about you and is afraid of having his feelings crushed.

If you want answers, don't try to glean them from his actions, (which are likely to be misinterpreted) you have to ask him... but rather than asking him how he feels about you, which is putting him in an uncomfortable position (making him vulnerable to judgement), just tell him how YOU feel. Then ask him if he feels the same. It's probably best if you have this conversation in a place that's familiar and comfortable. Do you guys have a place that you go to hang out frequently? A coffee shop, a park, your house, etc. Flirt with him a little just to see his reaction. Try to pay close attention to his mood, if he seems relaxed and the two of you are having a light conversation, just bring it up as if it isn't a big deal... and it won't be.

Good luck, hope this helps

Last edited by liv_via on 18 Dec 2011, 9:21 pm, edited 1 time in total.

if you 'cool off' and stop pressuring him, he'll probably run to you.

also, are you a girl or a guy? if you are a guy and hes not gay, it would be an epic fail to try to kiss him, and it would never work out (obviously lol).

you just gotta show him that you arent afraid to look elsewhere. you like him, and he probably likes that you like him and wants to keep you around because he likes that kind of attention. if you stop giving him that kind of attention he might realize he has been taking you for granted, and think about potentially losing you. if this happens, he might progress the relationship for you!

if he doesnt 'warm up' when you 'cool off' it means hes really not into you at all, i'd say, and persuing him is probably not optimal as it will super warp your relationship with him.

I'm a lady. And yes, I'm the only "real" friend he has. He talks to other people we sit with at lunch, but they are guys who have similar interests i.e Minecraft. He talks to my best friend too, but I'm the only one he talks to outside of school.

Well speaking from experience I myself (Male aspie) could never ask a girl out. I have been asked things like 'what do you think of me'? before but I usually don't answer honestly as I'm scared they might want me to say friend or are joking.

If you like him that much I would suggest to tell him that you like him, more then as a friend and then ask what he thinks of you. Also make sure to make it clear that if he doesn't like you it's fine to still be friends! (Personally if someone was going to say that to me I would really have to be somewhere I'm comfortable at, and alone with her)

And don't try and hint at it, I really don't understand when people are doing that to/near me. I have a couple of times not realised what they were hinted at and ended up getting hurt/hurting them.


[On another note when I 'like like' someone I usually do most of the things you said. I rarely let anyone come to my house (Mostly because I'm way too socially anxious) And would only think about asking someone I really like here.

Umm do you ask to go over to his place a lot? Some people get put off by that. It sounds needy.
When you ask him how he feels about you do you actually ask him, to be blunt..."do you like me in a romantic way?" If you have and he just says that he thinks of you as a friend then maybe you should move on.
I would find out if he actually likes you before trying to kiss him. As others have said it might be best to create a little distance and make him do some running.
Good luck with it.