HELP! Dealing With Doubt

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so.. i met a girl the other day, and we hit it off. shes pretty cool, but theres some things about her that make me worry that eventually i wont want to be with her.

shes a very nice girl, and we get along great. shes nerdy (which i find attractive), and smart..

the ONLY problem is her appearance. it sounds awful, i know, but im not as attracted to her as i have been with my other girlfriends (and other girls in general). shes is also overweight. this is something troubling for me because i decided a while ago i wouldnt marry a girl who was especially overweight because of health reasons (alone. i dont mind bigger girls, i just dont want to.. as terrible as this sounds.. deal with the inevitable health issues she will have later in life that are directly related to her excess weight).

she spent the night last night, and as she fell asleep i started crying because shes had such bad luck with guys in the past, and i dont want to break her heart and see her cry. i made sure she didnt hear me, because i dont know what i would have done if she did.. or what i would have said. i dont want to lead her on either, but maybe i can learn to live with her looks, and talk to her about her weight problem (because that bit is non-negotiable for me) because she could work on that.

what should i do? im just so riddled with doubt. its tearing me up inside, and i dont know what to do at all. i need the help of you wise aspies!

I stopped chasing after a girl before because she was a smoker. While it would be foolhardy to overlook someone you really liked because of concerns over how they looked after their health, if it's seriously impacting how attractive you find her, it might not be worth getting too involved. If a failure to look after her health is something of a deal breaker for you, it's not worth it. However, if you love everything else about her, then you shouldn't let something like her weight turn you off.

As for her appearance, being physically attracted to someone is important. They don't have to be a model, but if you don't find them sexually desirable, then that's going to work against you having a happy relationship with them. The person you decide to be with shouldn't be a compromise, but someone you really want to be with, whom you find attractive and meets the most important criteria for what you want in a mate. Otherwise, you'll end up wishing you were with someone else and that will strain the relationship.

It's your call. Hope that helps put things in perspective somewhat.

A metaphor I would use for this is a pillar with a staircase spiraling around it that you can't go down (the steps collapse as you walk along them) with a prize at the top.
Unless the possibility of receiving and committing to the prize is worth it to you, the sooner you jump off the less painful the fall will be, even though it's already going to be pretty painful at this point.

Basically, if you can't see yourself marrying her, you should break up ASAP. Although I'll say appearance doesn't mean as much in marriage as you would think.

If the only problem is appearance, I might even consider talking to her about losing weight!! It would also probably mean me eating much healthier if that's what she has to do to lose weight, and losing weight myself even though I don't need to. If she can't handle that, and she's really so unattractive that I can't marry her, "losing" her to calling her fat would likely be better than leading her on, finding someone else reasonably attractive and just as compatible, then having to break her heart.

I think mentioning her weight to her would only make her feel terrible about herself, but if you're feeling doubts about it this early on, it's probably not a good idea to pursue the relationship. It will only make it worse for both of you when it inevitably ends. Normally the beginning stage is when people naively idealize the other person, so if you're feeling unsure this early on, that's a pretty big metaphorical red flag.

health problems do not inevitably happen from being overweight. super-morbid obesity (like 400lb) is more likely to cause problems, but in general being fat != being unhealty by default. how big is she?

one thing to keep in mind is that people change; over 20 years any thinner girl could end up overweight, or any bigger girl could end up thin. the person you date is not likely to keep the same body forever and ever.

on the other hand, if you are simply not physically attracted to her, it is best that you don't make a move on her and make sure that she knows that you are just friends. you are not responsible for her happiness, and it is better that she should be with someone who wants her as a whole package.


p.s. do not ever, ever, ever suggest to a partner or potential partner that they should lose weight. it is not only offensive but also puts you in the uneasy position of supposedly knowing what is best for someone else's health, which you do not. it also gives them license to start deciding what is best for your health, which may not play out as you expect.

I had a similar situation but my one was more forced on by her peers. Going through with it is no good, I don't know how I sleep at night when I didn't feel the same but I feared of the thoughts of how I would be abused. Abused by most if not all my peers for not feeling the same, so don't do it when it's not feeling right to you.

Just tell her that it just isn't working and that you would prefer to end things now than to let things spiral out of control. You can ask if you can still be friends but dating may not work out. If she asks why, you could say that "the chemistry just isn't there" or something to that effect. Don't make it about her weight.