Cute Girl in a hostel. I need a little advice

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RobotGreenAlien2
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03 Nov 2011, 4:35 pm

Hey guys. Ive wroked hard on my skills and I can do ok in most social situations but in romantic ones I hit a wall.
Im staying in a cool small hostel for the next six weeks and I just met this girl. Shes very cute in a holsome way and as far as I can tell she's into me. standing close, smiling a lot, making sustaine eye contact.
We're staying long term in a hostle with no privacy. Im not sure how I procede my edperience here is sparce to begin with and this situarion is complicated and what if im wrong, im kind in a fishbowl too. but shes realy nice. what do i do? what is the usual progressin in this situation? is there a way of tesing the attraction?



AardvarkGoodSwimmer
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03 Nov 2011, 4:47 pm

You generally want to light-touch the situation. Just lightly enjoy her presence without trying overly hard to define the situation.

And start low-key. Maybe casually ask if she wants to walk down somewhere and get a soft drink. Those kind of small scale outings with walking and talking can often be pretty good.

And then, if it seems positive, maybe ask her to a bigger event like a movie or a museum or touring a university.



RobotGreenAlien2
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03 Nov 2011, 5:10 pm

thanks, very useful. where can it progress to. im not sex crazy but it does have a social meaning. god this is embasing.



AardvarkGoodSwimmer
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03 Nov 2011, 5:47 pm

And it's okay to dance one behind.

For example, if it later occurs to you, Wow, she really wanted me to kiss her. That's fine. Just be open to kissing her on the next outing.

It's only when you run three or four or five behind that it becomes an issue. And in that way we as Aspies can cut ourselves some slack. We don't need to be perfect. The ping ponging back and forth communication is inherently imprecise, and that's okay. Just be approximately right.

And please try not to feel societal pressure that you need to do such-and-such sexual behavior for points as it were or for status or something stupid like that. That can lead to abusive behavior which is not so cool at all.

Enjoy the process, without rigid preconditions.



Negolin
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03 Nov 2011, 6:23 pm

just don't be hostile :P



RobotGreenAlien2
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03 Nov 2011, 11:57 pm

I faught my uncle when i was ten years old to defend my granmother. i would never be agressive that way. I just realy like this girl so my lack of skill is kind of painful.



AardvarkGoodSwimmer
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04 Nov 2011, 12:20 pm

I'm not at all saying you would be. I was just including it as general information. And I do like the idea that we don't need to meet some external standard.

as far as lack of skill, maybe medium questions on a topic she has brought up? Maybe even have three questions partially planned, but if it goes in another direction, that's alright, too.



atindo
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04 Nov 2011, 2:54 pm

Make sure not to watch the movie 'hostel'. That would probably be a bad way to do things.



mushroo
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04 Nov 2011, 3:26 pm

I would highly recommend you invite her outside of the hostel before pursuing your romantic intentions. Ask her to coffee or a record shop or whatever. (Bonus points if it's something SHE will enjoy instead of one of your own special interests.)

The reason I say this is that sometimes it can be uncomfortable for a woman to be hit on in the place where she is living. If she says yes to your invitation then there is no ambiguity that she is interested in spending time with you outside the hostel. Being around lots of other people enjoying a safe, public place will relax the atmosphere. And it may help with your nonverbal cues, for example if you are sitting at a cafe near other couples who also appear to be on first dates, and you notice that the men are casually touching their dates' arms or shoulders as a sign of intimacy, then it might help you work up courage to do the same. (Obviously a lot depends on local customs where you are. Innocent comments or gestures in one culture can be huge insults in another!)

You could even say something exactly like you just said to us: "This hostel feels like a fishbowl sometimes! Do you want to get out of here and visit the cafe down the street?"

OK 4 final tips:
Call her a "woman" and not a "girl" (unless you live in a different country where the rules of etiquette are different than here in the USA)
Even if the date goes poorly don't leave her sitting alone in the cafe in some strange city, be a gentleman and make sure she gets a taxi safely back to the hostel.
Keep the first date short unless she specifically asks to extend it. But if the date is going really well, don't just say "goodnight!" but rather something like "I think we should do this again tomorrow, what do you think? Great! See you then!" Better to have 2 excellent short dates with a night of anticipation in between than 1 long boring date.
I personally would not bring up sex on the first date, but a kiss is perfectly OK in most cultures :)



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04 Nov 2011, 5:18 pm

I like the following advice. I would only add a conversational pause.

Quote:
. . . You could even say something exactly like you just said to us: "This hostel feels like a fishbowl sometimes! [pause, like a musician] Do you want to get out of here and visit the cafe down the street?" . . .



RobotGreenAlien2
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04 Nov 2011, 10:51 pm

Woops I think i shared a little too much there, i had a few pints down. Basicly I meant I respect women a lot.

Its all good advice, ive been building report she's been sitting beside me whenever possible and even winked at me bofore I flinched from the eye contact. I not sure how that looks.

Our contact has been getting a little more playful. light teasing, me being kind of funny mangeling her language.
I know how this might come accross but childishy messing with here facebook status while she using the laptop broke a lot of ice and gave the excuse for her to hold my hands.

Tomorow Im going to generaly ask if anyone wants to go for a walk to the supermarket. Its not very aspie-y but im am going to maintaining that layer of denyability that NTs use. I think its important here. Realy thabk you all. ill keep you upto date. Regarding culture, Im Irish, Shes German, we're in Canada.



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05 Nov 2011, 3:44 pm

RobotGreenAlien2 wrote:
Woops I think i shared a little too much there, i had a few pints down. Basicly I meant I respect women a lot.

Its all good advice, ive been building report she's been sitting beside me whenever possible and even winked at me bofore I flinched from the eye contact. I not sure how that looks.

Our contact has been getting a little more playful. light teasing, me being kind of funny mangeling her language.
I know how this might come accross but childishy messing with here facebook status while she using the laptop broke a lot of ice and gave the excuse for her to hold my hands.

Tomorow Im going to generaly ask if anyone wants to go for a walk to the supermarket. Its not very aspie-y but im am going to maintaining that layer of denyability that NTs use. I think its important here. Realy thabk you all. ill keep you upto date. Regarding culture, Im Irish, Shes German, we're in Canada.

WELCOME TO CANADA! and i'm glad it seems to be going very well!! !


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Ksim
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07 Nov 2011, 12:08 am

Look, its not easy asking girls out. I know (and usually I never get any interest but still)
If you think she is into you, just do the following:

1) Make some small talk. Ask her if she enjoys Canada. Is she a tourist? How long is she planning to stay for?

2) If she asks you questions, respond in kind but don't reveal too much personal info.

3) If you think she's interested, ask her if she's interested in going out for a drink or a meal sometime.

That is the way to do it. Get to talk to her over a meal.
The worst she can say is 'no' but if your sure about it, then she probably won't.



RobotGreenAlien2
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07 Nov 2011, 12:17 am

Thanks hyperlexian I really do love it here. The people an friendly and direct and being forgen covers a lot of sins.
Things are going well. She was getting more obvius, winking ect. hard for even me to miss and she had a really shity day and expecting a lot of fallout at work the next day. I was a little drunk, before I went to bed I had the idea to translate a little note into getman and leave it with some choclate. Waking the next morning, I thought I had done simething stupid when I was drunk.
I found a note thanking me and when she got back from work she was so bobaly, she hugged me and gave me a box with a bun in it and a not writen on the outside. apparntly I turned it into a great day for her.
Later we went for susi and icecream before walking back. the conversating flowed, it was great, actualy fun. she was talking as we reached the hostel and I walked in. she said something along the lines of "is it becuase I talk to much" I reasured he that I like listening but I think I offended her that I didn't kiss her.
The sinario her is a little different were on a first date where we live together. Its not like a kiss where you leave you walk in together into essentaly a shared flat. maybe I should have kissed her but I couldnt. Still happy with the situation in general. thanks everyone.