This is why I hate going out in public

Post Reply New Topic

It seems like whenever I am feeling confident, energetic, wearing comfortable clothes and actually think like maybe If I met a girl just going about my business (say a supermarket), there is never anyone. I mean noone.

Whenever I don't want to be in public because I am feeling ill, unconfident, or I am feeling fatigued, or a bit nervous, of out of clean laundry and have to wear bottom choice crap that irritates me skin and makes me feel and look crap, and makes me crawl into my skin, THAT is when there just so happens to be some girls that I would have wanted to say hi to or try to talk to, and I am completely paralyzed. You know what I mean?

Like today when I have a fever I don't want to leave the house, but I had to get some food and medicine. Strangely enough, I'm actually wearing decent clothes that I feel comfortable in, and I just trimmed my beard so I don't look disheveled. And it so happens happens that three decent looking college girls just happened to be right there in the store.

They happened to be right there facing the opposite direction as I walked up the end of the aisle, and as I turned the corner, one of them turned to see who was there as I passed them, and then INSTANTLY she turned away. Nanosecond. BAM just like that. I mean how f*****g hideous or threatening or creepy could I have possibly looked? I do kinda look like s**t with under-eye bags and 5 o'clock facial hair, but I don't think I look THAT bad. I mean is my VIBE that terrible?

And then I passed them again as they walked into another aisle I was in. And instantly the girl who was leading the group of three. BAMM I could see it in her eyes, and it was instantly super awkward. I tried saying hi but only a faint mumble came out, and she said "excuse me" and we walked in separate directions past each other.

It all happened so fast, but that look in her eye. Its not like I made some comment or ran up behind them. Its like instantly she already read everything about me, like Im some weirdo creep that is "off" I really tried to put my normal face on too. Its like she was almost laughing at me like I am some little boy. Either that or there is some rumor about me and somehow recognized me. I have seen that look before so many times.......f**k

It all just happened so fast, and I think my face gave it up, but its NEVER like I am obvious at all with my facial expressions. I didn't instantly slump my shoulders I didnt look down either. I looked her in her eyes. Maybe I just look to serious, but I really think it is more than that.

Whatever she picked up, it was so subtle, but at the same time so revealing, either that or I look like some man-child r@pist. I don't know......I really don't

Can somebody help me out? Is my vibe really that ugly?

confidence. thats what you lack, i believe.

girls are INCREDIBLE at sensing confidence levels. if you are EVEN A LITTLE BIT unconfident, the'll be able to smell it from at least 100 feet away, prolly more.

try to look your best (grooming-wise) and get out and do things you enjoy. hopefully there will be some girls there whom you are interested in.

and yea.. its pretty hard, no one will argue against that. you have to work at it or you wont make any progress, however.

so they actually might have been attracted to me, but they instantly sensed my unconfidence? I feel sick so i am not feeling even as well as i could have, but i always try to look people in the eye and not slump my shoulders. does that make me looker even weirder if i don't go with im shy/sensitive look, and actually look them in the eye?

it was just so instantaneous bro. it happened like that, but i could see it in her eye. Why do i have to feel like s**t.

of course i am not confident, i have zero experience, and now slightly paranoid

You're fine. This is typical female behavior. A cute chick gets hit on all the time, so she avoids eye contact, or giving any sign that she might be interested.

Pretend you were her, and ten guys ask for your phone number over the course of the week. There's an ick factor that has nothing to do with you.

If you're attending a weekly class or some such, the woman sees you every week. She ignores you, you ignore her, and you're a hero. You're more likely to get a date this way.

Internet dating is a very good option as well. It's a more direct approach to single women.

Bingo. This is so true. We women don't like to be caught looking at guys. Just how it is.

I used to wonder if the laws of physics get altered by the proximity of good looking girls. It's when were most likely to stumble, walk like the tin man, or have our mouths utter words put there by accident.
Good looking is so over rated though.

I think you are reading way too much into this first "interaction" here. Not everybody looks at other people to suss out their dating potential. She sensed someone was behind her. She looked around. Didn't recognise you or anything. Looked away again. This is just normal behaviour of humans, isn't it? Well I do it all the time: something grabs my attentions so I turn to look at it, then go back to whatever I was doing. Even if it was a good-looking guy, I probably wouldn't hold eye contact or anything. Especially if he was already looking at me when I turned around; I'd instantly look away, just a natual reaction. Things might be different in another setting such as a bar or club, where flirting is the standard behaviour.

It is also not common behaviour to say hi to random strangers in public places, well not as far as I know. If you were looking at her and attempting to speak, that may have appeared a little unusual. She would be expecting you to not even be looking at her, as most people don't just look at each other when shopping. The fact that she said "excuse me" suggests maybe you were kind of just staring at her and in the way, rather than moving aside to let her pass? This "look" you speak of, I am not confident that it is what you think it is. I'm guessing that again you are reading too much into it and I wouldn't worry about it at all.

Try meeting people in a setting where it is expected, e.g. online dating as suggested. I've certainly never tried to pick up anyone, or been hit on, whilst doing shopping.

It's not unusual to approach girls in public and it's not odd to share eye contact with girls as well, I think you just perceived it wrongly and you're taking it far too personally. You need to stop thinking women are going to bite you for talking to them, you need to overcome the fear and the only way to do that is to keep facing it. Yes, it's better to know someone through your social network because you instantly have familiarity and comfort but it's not unusual to approach someone in public, women are generally friendly and enjoy socializing, even girls with boyfriends have been more than happy to give me their number.

I wouldn't take it as a personal insult, you probably just didn't make your intentions clear enough. Keep practicing, talking to people in public and you'll eventually overcome your anxieties. I used to have many insecurities and I was very self conscious, it took years of self improvement and whilst I'll never be Brad Pitt or Donald Trump, I have more awareness, understanding and maturity because I've learned my social skills from scratch and I'm more confident to pursue my goals.

Those girls could obviously hear that the whole music of your appearance and mannerisms was off key with the orchestra of everyone else in the store, but the whole world doesn't move to the beat of just one drum, so screw them.

In my opinion, you need to join some sort of club where you share common interests with the members. Don't try to pick up girls in public places. It's seedy and lousy. You can get all gussied up when you know you will be attending an event where there will be girls. It won't be a chance happening. Bars and clubs are even worse! Start making it known that you want a girl to older people - especially to older women. They love to arrange dates for young people. You might be introduced to someone's niece or granddaughter. If it doesn't click, stay friends anyway - she may just help you find someone. Don't be too superficial about appearance. If there are common interests between you and a girl and if she's at least fun to be around - you get used to her and won't notice any little flaw that caught your attention in the beginning. For example, my husband of 20 years has a low brow-bone. I didn't like it when I first met him - it made him look like a neanderthal. Now, I kiss his beautiful low brow bone every morning before he goes to work and have been doing this for the past 20 years with no intention of stopping it. I find him to be the most sexiest man alive and I had NO physical attraction to him on our first meeting - none whatsoever - I actually thought of telling him I had to go to the ladies room and I was going to run out the door. He looked like a cross between Ted Danson and Burt Reynolds - I found each one of these actors VERY unattractive. I had two children with him and love him dearly. It just took time to get to know him to see how really special he was. I met him through a senior citizen whose house I cleaned while I was studying to be a nurse. She asked me why I didn't have a guy. She thought I was rather pretty but lonely and it didn't match. She said that I should have guys falling at my feet and could not understand why. I told her I had a hard time with the dating scene. She told me her grandson was VERY awkward with girlsand VERY lonely. I didn't want to meet him at first but I felt guilty because she was so nice and understanding about it.

Last edited by RightGalaxy on 11 Nov 2011, 9:37 am, edited 1 time in total.

If a women gets flirted with TOO MUCH, it starts to get mundane and annoying. You might be sincere as all hell but she's tired of it. If you want to land one of these femme fatal types - reject them - then they come running after you wondering what the hell is your problem.
I liked it when guys were not confident. It made me feel like I had the upper hand.
It was something about lack of confidence that made me want to have some rumpy-pumpy with them too - BUT NOT RIGHT AWAY!! !! It was a CERTAIN eventuality. If a girl likes you, it doesn't matter how confident or unconfident you are! She will reject you because that's simply what she's doing - it has NOTHING to do with your confidence level. Your confidence level drops if you get rejected enough. If you get rejected that much, it's something else she's detecting in your psyche that she doesn't like. It has nothing to do with your own confidence. A lack of social skills will creep most NT girls out. A lack of social skills stands out big time. A girl sees a lack of social skills as an on-going thing - women tend to imagine guys as long-life partners. A shy man will forever be a shy man. Some women like shy men but not for life-long partners. The biggest reason for this is that you don't appear like you can protect her or her babies. It's as simple as that. The bad part is that you will look ridiculous if you even TRY to come off like that. Women see right through it. Atypical women don't really have a need for that but they may not appeal to you that much...they tend to have less fluff and are not part of the female "in-crowd". When guys talk about "GIRLS", they are referring to those girls - the ones who are unattainable and travel in packs chatting constantly. They want guys that are like them. Adult life is not so different than middle school and high school - the people are just simply older and not necessarily wiser.

Wow, two excellent posts RightGalaxy. It's sad but true but women do reject guys because they don't look like they can protect them and ESPECIALLY their babies, making this the most damning of damning indictments against a guy's dating value. And that's exactly what's behind the scorn and dirty looks that it sounds like the OP was getting while shopping, this "you will harm my children" thing. But it's also why I gave the "screw them" advice to the OP as because these looks etc. essentially communicate "you will harm my children" vibe, well what else can I say? I mean, it's such a loaded thing to be communicating, what an intense proclamation of hatred, quite frankly it's very low to make the guy out to be the type to harm their kids. Anyway this used to happen to me an awful lot but I only had myself to blame due to, in my case, my eye contact being a bit "off". Sorting out my eye contact meant I don't get this type of reaction from females now.

Last edited by Keeno on 11 Nov 2011, 1:41 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I'm the type of guy who will only make random, casual, 3-second conversation with women in public. I've never asked for a phone number off-the-fly, which is what you're apparently SUPPOSED to do if you're interested in a girl. For some reason, I feel that's just tactless, even though women give out their phone numbers all the time. I think the best solution for someone like you is to get with a wingman who can get you some hands on experience and evaluate you so you can get better at it.

Quick tip. If you're self conscious still, do a wardrobe refresh. Throw away the clothes you don't like.

I think it would be totally awesome if you could have a relationship all the way through breakup, so you can have some context to guide your future dating life.