Telling about my disabilities

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I decided to re-think everything when it comes to dating and correct whatever patterns I was doing that was leading to my mistakes. I believe that while the mistakes themselves in each particular relationship were different, the fertile soil was one and the same, namely the fact that every single relationship I have had has always been about ME as opposed to about US. The particular way it has been developing in this dirrection is that at some point (typically too soon rather than too late) I would disclose my disability. This in itself would of been okay. But, like many of you know, I am a long winded person so once I am on a topic of disability I would keep talking more and more about things related to it to the point that I would force my partner on caretaker's role. Even this were okay since my ex-s were super-understanding minority (otherwise they won't be here on the first place) but I guess I would start rebelling against it in some ways and basically digging my own grave.

So the obvious solution is to refrain from telling about disability. But on the other hand, I can't deny something that is there. If I say nothing about it, then people would wonder about the fact that

--- My voice is monotone and often loud
--- I have no idea how to start conversation
--- If someone starts conversation for me, I have no idea how to continue it beyond simple answers to questins asked
--- If I desperately try to continue it I would jump to another extreme of giving off speeches
--- I don't have any friends (can't even recognize names or faces of my roommates)
--- Never watch TV or read newspapers
--- Don't watch any movies and won't recognize most of them
--- Don't have any hobbies other than physics and religion


Now, a lot of this can be hidden given that I meet women on dating sites. But the question is when it comes to the point that they want to talk on a phone or meet in person, I better reveal my disability. So what I have been thinking is that if I do reveal it, but some time DOWN THE ROAD I would be given myself some time to present the positive sides of me (such as my rather exciting physics career with a new advisor I have found or my interest in religion if I am lucky enough to run on someone religious) and that way if I reveal Asperger later it would come across as some mechanical obstacle to otherwise exciting person, as opposed to description of who I am. But on the other hand, if I succeed in perswading them in it being mechanical obstacle perhaps I won't reach my goal in preventing them from being shocked once they see the above listed problems that are quite extreme. So what do you think? When is the best time to reveal my Asperger?

I guess there is one thing I can do. Since I can hide my Asperger while online, may be I can postpone the first phone contact for as long as I have to wait to reveal my Asperger, and then tell about Asperger as a warning right before the first phone conversation? On the other hand, waiting too long before the phone call might have a different disadvantage in that she will feel that I am not interested or that I am stranding her alone. So should I simply try my best on the phone and simply reveal it afterwards if it doesn't work out.

Never tell her before you've been into a relationship at least a couple of months. Only other aspies would accept you. 99 NT-girls of 100 will run away if you tell them too soon.

Yeah and that 1 out of 100 that does accept you likely has a hearing problem.

You never tell the negative things about yourself up front. First see if they like you
for your positives.

let the person get to know you a little first. if she gets to know you and likes you she will probably be ok with the AS be OK with AS.
and about starting conversations.. try watching people in conversations and see how they start and continue conversations.

But the point is that one girl already asked me for a phone number. So what am I supposed to do? If I call her, without telling her about Asperger, what if she will be scared away by my tone of voice or inability to hold conversation?

"The two words that scare 'em away the fastest are sex and autism."

Don't talk about asperger's. Talk about being different.

Yah but if I talk about being different without reference to Asperger, they might fill in blanks by thinking that I am referring to being on drugs or something.

Yeah I went on a physical date with a girl I meet on the net and I found it very hard to
talk. Yet in a non-date I could have talked to her endlessly(if she been a customer for instance).

If your going to give the impression of being shy you might as well tell her "I'm shy till
you get to know me then I will talk your ears off"

In my case it is worse. I don't know how to talk to ANYONE, whether it is date or not. I can't think of any ideas to talk about. I mean, I don't have friends, I don't even know anyone's name. So I can't talk about my friends. I can't talk about movies either because I don't watch any. I can't talk about news because I don't watch TV and don't read newspaper. So the only thing that is left is my school, and I can't talk about that either since she isn't going to follow my discourses on graduate level physics. In other words I have no idea how to talk to ANYONE AT ALL, date or not.

Yeah my interest/major was chemistry in college and rarely did i find anybody that wanted to talk chemistry.

Yeah and I know the extreme anxiety will greatly reduce your ability to process good
answers/questions.

I guess you could also admitt your 100% focus on Physic but you would like to start some new hobbies and ask her about hers (then read up).

1)I don't have time for any other hobbies, I don't want to sacrifice my career

2)If I did start other hobbies it would still take a few years to be able to talk about them

3)"reading up" is not the answer. I don't think that social chit chat is about history or architecture any more than it is about physics. What ppl talk about is about each other or whatever and no books will supply all this info for me

4)People watching is not the answer either. The chances are the particular people whom I watch are NOT going to be friends of my next girl friend candidate so it won't give me anythign to talk about.

5)Making my own friends is again not the answer. Like I said, in order to make friends, I need to have something to talk about, which means I better be having friends on a first place, which makes it circular.

Yeah I'm the wrong person to get addvice from I never had a girlfriend, have no friends
currently, unemployed and no car. I'm 36.

Maybe a women with a Physics PHD from the Ukraine. After you get your PHD and a job.

Yah and this brings me back to the topic of when/how should I be telling about my Asperger, given that there is no way I can hide it.



How likely am I to run into one? And given that there would be at most one or two comming along my way, what is the probability that out of 1 or 2 women one of them will like me? I am not the type of person with whom over 50% of women fall in love.



Thats too long to wait.

When I was searching in the past it was fairly easy to find women with chemistry degrees
in the former Soviet Republic.

But the point is that even though I was born in Russia, I immigrated to USA at 14, and I am not planning to go back.

yeah dont go tell a person over the telephone, "ow btw, i do have asperger, just so you know".

thats considered weird and a big turn off.


but dont act like you have no issues at all that most people dont. theres not much harm in telling her what kind of things you have some issues with. that A: tells her a lot more as she probably has no idea what asperger is unless your talking vegetables, and B: she wont figure that these things your talking about are a disorder called asperger, as she probably has no idea what asperger is unless your talking vegetables.

but dont overly go into depth about all sorts of crazy details that wont help her. keep it practical.