Oy Vey another brush with temptation!

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So for those not aware, I've been on a new course for a while, focusing on improving myself physically, mentally, emotionally, in every way I can, and focusing on my work as a filmmaker, professionally and the personal work with which I one day hope to make my name. And as part of that I have sworn off dating, having found it to be a distraction to what I must accomplish, as well as being an unnecessary burden through all the emotional turmoil it causes each time I fail when I ask a girl out, or do not manage to establish a relationship. And so far it has been a good success. I feel more content in who I am, and more focused on what I must do. I'm not opposed entirely to a relationship with a woman, but I am no longer trying to pursue one, because the pain of rejection was too great for my once low self esteem. I feel for the first time truly at home in my own skin.

But there are still moments of weakness and doubt. Today I ran a Thanksgiving Day race, one which I do every year, because many old running teammates I know turn out for it. And today was no exception. I saw many old faces, guys and girls. The guys dating cute girls that I at once think I could never date, because they are out of my league (as much as I try to tell myself there is no such thing as "leagues"). And there are girls whom I wish I could ask out, but I am bound from doing so, by a mixture of my old fears of my rejection, and my new desires to transcend the dating paradigm by devoting my life to some other purpose.

One for example whom I've known because her sister runs for my dad (he's a coach) and so I see her at this race and at a few meets. We've chatted briefly a few times, and she is a very friendly person with lovely eyes. I feel a desire to get to know her, and yet I know I must NOT. For one she is too young, 20 or 21 perhaps, and deserves someone her age, not an old man like me. And of course she is in college and I am a working pro, so there are those walls. And I just try to tell myself, that I am not meant for dating, and I have to disabuse myself of these delusions. I try to tell myself I must be dedicated to my purpose in life, to make films of great beauty and truth, yet part of me craves the utter normality and companionship of a girlfriend, a wife, a lover.

I keep telling myself this cannot be. Yet I am so tempted to ask this girl to lunch. Yet I know it'll amount only to failure, and I would be a fool to ask. There's no way she'd say yes.

Arrrggghh! Gotta get focused, and past these societal and bestial urges that attempt to distract me at every turn. Gotta get back to work, and get this girl out of my brain!

Sometimes you have to risk being a fool to get something that is worth having.

It seems you and I both build our own prisons.

what do you gain by being wise? a happier, more peaceful, more productive time until the common fate arrives.

when my parents started dating, dad was 28 and mom was 19. they lasted almost 53 years 'til dad died in '08. from what i can remember, dad had AS.

I'm in a similar situation, but it's more like that I have a ton of goals and objectives and work to do, requiring full attention, but where I go to school has a lot of girls that match up to current societal standards of "cuteness" that often draw my mind away, but I know I can't because nothing good would come out of the situation anyway, and it'd prove distracting to important work that's on a deadline. So now I just take every step possible to focus on the plan, the rest of my life, yet that little nagging voice in the back of the brain keeps taking any chance to distract. So, yeah..

And to finish it off...



These are all from Ecclesiastes, from the Bible. Solomon sums up my views quite well, especially the last one. That's the story of my life, much of the time.

But yeah, like the OP, I simply don't try anymore in dating. I'm not so much actively avoiding it like he is, but I just don't try anymore. I feel I've been cursed in the same manner as my father, and I'll curse and bring down any female with me. So, like the second thing from Ecclesiastes I posted, I simply just do stuff, just for myself, for my own vain glory of...stuff. Why? Why not? It could be considered self centered or selfish, but is it anymore selfish than having a woman be what brings me my esteem?

Not a prison to me. If anything I've been trying to escape a prison. I look back at the years I wasted trying to be something I was not, trying to be normal in every sense of the word, including dating. And every attempt at dating was simply another humiliating failure.

And I realized my self esteem wasn't to a place where I was capable of a relationship. I realized, I am not dateable, that I am not something a woman would want. I realized I'm meant for something different. I'm meant to be alone, but to use that aloneness to work toward something higher that i can give back to the world.

I'm just trying to transcend a need for companionship which can never be fulfilled because there is no one who could possibly be my companion. I'm trying to accept me for me, and to be happy in that, and I'm getting close. What I must transcend are those moments of weakness when I see I beautiful or interesting girl that I wish to date, and I must pull back and remember that I have no chance with her, that trying will only result in more failure, embarrassment, heartache, and low self esteem. I must transcend those desires for love and companionship and stay focused on my goals. I'm mighty tempted to ask this girl out, but I no I must not, because nothing good could possible come of it.

I say the same things to justify myself too. I don't know if it's the right way to live, but uh, screw it.