Inadequacy

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There was a Topic called "Inadequacy" here a moment ago, but it has disappeared. Given that the topic was about an abusive relationship, I hope that the writer hasn't been forced into removing the post. If you are still reading, here is my reply. As a new Topic the only name associated with this text is now my own, so it should be safe.

Anyway...

I don't think anyone is naturally good at cookery or housework - it's just something that has to be done, and the more you do it, the better you become. But it IS boring and repetetive and even if you were both NTs I wouldn't agree for a moment that the current situation was fair.

I think you really need to talk to one another about how you both feel, and why. This is particularly true if you have avoided talking about the traumatic things which have happened in the past:- if he understands why you are fearful he might be less eager to criticize you.

Both of you need support from each other. If he wants support and praise for earning a wage, then he should be prepared to support and praise you for looking after the home, particularly if you are having to battle personal demons in the process. I know when I was really depressed it became amazingly difficult to do anything - I had no motivation at all. Doing seemingly trivial tasks took enormous amounts of energy. If you are feeling the same, explain this to him, because otherwise it's too easy for him to assume that you're being lazy. Tell him how difficult it is, and how much help and support you would like. You may find that there are things he isn't telling you, either, or which you have just assumed to be true because you aren't communicating properly as a couple any more. I really can't believe that you're still sleeping with each other if you find it painful and he "wishes it was over with". Does he know that you're in pain? That's terrible.

At face value he sounds like a deeply unpleasant character. It is clear that he has some deep-seated problems to sort out, too. I hope that HIS issues can be explored and then resolved through communication and maybe some medical help. No-one calls their partner 'ret*d' on a regular basis unless they themselves are f***ed up. Again, though, there may be deeper problems which cause him to flare up and say these things in anger without really meaning them - a shallow excuse you might think, but I'm very conscious of my own Aspie ability to secretly tie my own brain up in anxious knots until I explode on a largely unexpecting world.

I daresay you aren't perfect, but by the sounds of things he has just as many issues to sort out as you do. The key issue is whether you can talk and help each other with these problems, or whether things are too far gone to be rescued. It DOES sound as though he isn't worth the hassle and you should walk away. But make it clear how you feel about everything first, and try to get honest answers from him, too, in order to make a truly informed decision. Get beyond the insults and assumptions and see what you find.

Hi. Thanks for your comments. I deleted my post after becoming a bit embarrassed. What I usually do in my life is keep my problems to myself. I am an avoidant person. I think I could try asking if he would be interested in seeing a different person, since I seem to be a large source of frustration in his life. I just can't shake the feeling of inadequacy due to the comments he can make. His issue as of late is playing a game called World of Warcraft, which he frequently rages over. I have a difficult time understanding if he is going to rage at me or the game. Thanks for your insights; it was very helpful. I need to do something.

He won't really talk to me. I'm really tired and frustrated. There is always something to complain about. Today he blamed me for losing his popularity, his hair, and his sanity. I have to sleep on the couch tonight even though the bed is mine. Tommorrow I go to the organisation that helps people with disabilities find jobs. I really want to find a job with a livable wage so I can move out on my own. I am sick everyday to the point where I throw up, but I could afford over-the-counter drug solutions if I had a job. I have no friend to turn to or live with. I feel very upset with myself for being so disapointing, but I know this thinking is only going to perpetuate my depression, so I try to think about my future and how great is could be if I work hard. I think I would like to be alone for a long time after this is over.

This is a local organization, but they may be able to refer you to an organization in your area.

http://www.refugehouse.com/

I agree with that.

Hi Goomba

I feel sad for you.

I have my family. No acquaintances, but I hope that will change in time. I have a penchant for hyperbole, so you're right - I'm not all alone.
I think I will be living with my Dad for a bit while I get back on track (obtain a living-wage job). He's in the middle of a move, so I have to wait a bit. I can't wait because I am sick of my current living arrangements. So don't feel sad for me because things will get better. I'm committed towards bettering my situation now.

One advantage of having a really bad time is that it's easier to find something better!

It's unfortunate that you're having to wait but that also shows you're really committed to this change, and it isn't just a 'heat of the moment' thing. I am sure that with more support (and less negativity around) you'll be happier in yourself and also more confident in making friends.