Can't wait to get back to work on Monday

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This extended holiday from work is causing me mischief. I'm trying hard to work around the house, and keep pushing forward on a pair of screenplays, but I'm alone ultimately with my thoughts, and those thoughts keep pulling me down to thoughts about girls and dating and relationships. I visit facebook and looks at all the people I know who are dating, and I feel an incredible desire to have that.

At this very moment i just want somebody to hold hands with, who would watch a movie with me. And it kills me to know that that is something not attained over night, even for normal people.

For me, it'll likely never happen no matter how I try.

Gotta keep telling myself these feelings will pass. Forget girls, forget women. I am not meant to have anyone or be loved. Gotta focus on work. Gotta be the best at what I'm good at. Gotta make my name. Gotta do something great. Then maybe someone might forgive my faults and love me. At least, I will know I have worth.

Okay, back to work. No more thoughts of women!

try a splif it mightened b the best ting bu it helps me forget, an it dums me dwn so less goin on inside the oul noggin...

Yeah... I've been trying to do something like that for the past couple of years, and I've been miserable and unproductive. I've been in a phd program, trying to make progress, telling myself that as soon as I finished I'd get a good research position and start a new life. It doesn't work that way. I've learned a lot but I just can't muster up the motivation to do any serious research, because I've been doing exactly what you're doing - trying to do anything to take my mind off the fact that my life isn't going the way I want.

And the worst part is that for me, it may have actually worked - I'm trying to be a scientist. I can learn what I need to know by sitting at home and reading. But you're trying to be a writer. You NEED to get out there and have experiences, for your work. No matter how great you think your imagination is, I can guarantee you that you won't come up with anything that other people will want to read or watch by sitting home alone. Boring people make sh***y writers, sorry.

If you really want to meet women, get yourself out there. Join some meetup groups. I'm sure there are plenty of writing groups in your area that have women your age you might be interested in. Join some groups that do speed dating or take groups out to go meet women. Hell, use online dating sites. As much as people bash them, trust me - THEY DO WORK from time to time. When you tell yourself "I'm never going to be successful with women", then it becomes truth. I've spent a long time trying to get out of a similar hole you're in, and you can too.

Uggh...I've been there. Seems like the 20's are about the hardest this gets, though admittedly I think it will taper off in the next few years to where it'll likely only trouble you a little from time to time and you'll be able to blow it off.

As for racing after your own potential - please be careful. I feel like living evidence of what that can do once you inevitably bang your head on the genetic ceiling and have many moments of "Nooo!! ! Everything they said about me is true!!"....well, not necessarily I guess, on some angles yes, on more angles than not you may be able to find areas of expansion that you wouldn't have found otherwise.

The hardest part I part I think in all of this is taking all of the great things people said about you as a kid, taking all the optimism and hope you had for the future, and turning it to decay mode where you may find yourself forced into a very mediocre place, a very mediocre future - much like nearly all of the NT's you see around you, and for as much smoke that's blown up our arses up until 30 it can be an incredibly difficult transition to make (I feel like I get closer every day but still have a long way to go before I'm fully comfortable in my own skin regardless of how fair-to-middlin my life achievements may end up being).

The best advice I can give you - if you have a few extrovert male friends who do a lot of networking for you, at least having a good network of friends who are a bit like extended family (preferably in a good way) that helps you forget this a lot because you're still getting validation, still have people to share experiences with, and of course when you're able to get out you can get out of your own headspace rather than looping your own thoughts deeper all day long. The other thing, even if you don't have that, if there is an activity that you can get involved in that will make you feel better about yourself and its one that meets several times a week with a common social group that should also help to stabilize things, even if you end up with nothing but reasonably good acquaintences.