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03 Oct 2006, 8:50 pm
Okay I met a girl named April in messianicconnections.com In her profile she says that she doesn't like to rush into things, she wants to be friends first and then see where it leads. So from that perspective, I know that when she told me that she wants to be friends first in response to my question, it wasn't an excuse. On the other hand, however, she FIRST referred to me as "friend" and when I asked for clarification only then did she say that she doesn't like to jump into things. Given that the word "friend" is a dreaded F-word of LJBF, the fact that she used that word implies that she LJBF-ed me and it doesn't even matter if she really meant it or not that she wants to be "friends first".
So, lets look closely at the relevent correspondence and I am going to put the LJBF expression of concern IN BOLD In particular, the sentence to look closely at is we are friends okay? and the other one to focus on is " since we were penpals it might be nice to have a telephone conversationand"
The context: I met her on that website a month or two ago. At some point I stopped writing to her because her profile was titled "looking for quality" so I figured I won't make it by that standart. A month or two after that she contacted me myself and I was surprised why would she given that she is "looking for quality" but obvioulsy I didn't verbalize my surprise, I aws simply responding to her emails whenever I had time. A week after we started exchanging emails every day she gave me her phone number. So here is a relevant conversation:
April wrote:
Oh good! My email is finally working I couldn't get on for 2 days!! ! Sorry 'bout that.
No my folks don't work with Lion and Lamb, but we listen to a lot of their cd sermons. That was their first trip to Israel too.
I was at Zera Avraham a few months ago, I thought I told you, but you must have so many pen pals it must get confusing. (Just messin with you
)
My puppy has a bladder infection that was making her bleed and vomit (no fun), but she is doing so much better now. After giving her the antibiotics for a few days she's back to jumping on me and every other surface in the house. She is a smart little pup not spitting it out right away, too smart for her own good--little stinker!
I like mystery and suspense movies too. Right now I'm really into Star Wars and The Lord of the Rings stuff. I was so excited because in the new version of Episode VI the new Anakin Skywalker is in the end of it as the ghost next to Obi Wan and Yoda. I can't do horror though! We weren't allowed to watch those growing up so when I got older I snuck one in and couldn't sleep for a few days cause I was so scared! I get scared really easy (my friends love doing it to me on purpose).
So do you like school? You have 2 years left right? I can't wait to be done! I graduate in May. So are you close to your folks? I live with mine right now. I used to have my own house but I had to give it up to go back to school full time. I already have a house picked out that I want to buy right after graduation and I start working.
Have you made any other friends on messianicconnections.com? The only other people that emailed me were from other countries...not from around here. It's really cool talking to someone of the same mind. There aren't many messianics around here. Well, I don't know if this is too soon or what (I'm not really used to meeting people online) but if you wanted to graduate to a phone conversation let me know because that's cool with me. I usually don't give my phone number out, but you seem sane enough!
Have a good one!
April
No my folks don't work with Lion and Lamb, but we listen to a lot of their cd sermons. That was their first trip to Israel too.
I was at Zera Avraham a few months ago, I thought I told you, but you must have so many pen pals it must get confusing. (Just messin with you
)My puppy has a bladder infection that was making her bleed and vomit (no fun), but she is doing so much better now. After giving her the antibiotics for a few days she's back to jumping on me and every other surface in the house. She is a smart little pup not spitting it out right away, too smart for her own good--little stinker!
I like mystery and suspense movies too. Right now I'm really into Star Wars and The Lord of the Rings stuff. I was so excited because in the new version of Episode VI the new Anakin Skywalker is in the end of it as the ghost next to Obi Wan and Yoda. I can't do horror though! We weren't allowed to watch those growing up so when I got older I snuck one in and couldn't sleep for a few days cause I was so scared! I get scared really easy (my friends love doing it to me on purpose).
So do you like school? You have 2 years left right? I can't wait to be done! I graduate in May. So are you close to your folks? I live with mine right now. I used to have my own house but I had to give it up to go back to school full time. I already have a house picked out that I want to buy right after graduation and I start working.
Have you made any other friends on messianicconnections.com? The only other people that emailed me were from other countries...not from around here. It's really cool talking to someone of the same mind. There aren't many messianics around here. Well, I don't know if this is too soon or what (I'm not really used to meeting people online) but if you wanted to graduate to a phone conversation let me know because that's cool with me. I usually don't give my phone number out, but you seem sane enough!
Have a good one!
April
myself wrote:
Yes I like school and probably it is 2 more years to go. As for the rest of
my family, my mom and my grandmother are in Berkeley, CA and my father is in
Russia. They are separated.
No I haven't made any other friends at messianicconnections. It doesn't seem
like too many ppl are there in my area. So I ended up not paying for it to
save me some money. I met you when I was on "free trial".
Yes I agree with you it is cool to talk to someone else who is Messianic. It
is the first time I ever got a chance to do that.
Yes I want to start talking on a phone. I just have to warn you that I am
suffering from communication disability which is called Asperger Syndrome so
sometimes I might not know how to start or continue a conversation. On top
of that my voice is monotone. So I just thought I should warn you about it
so that you won't be weirded out.
Anyway my phone number is ......
my family, my mom and my grandmother are in Berkeley, CA and my father is in
Russia. They are separated.
No I haven't made any other friends at messianicconnections. It doesn't seem
like too many ppl are there in my area. So I ended up not paying for it to
save me some money. I met you when I was on "free trial".
Yes I agree with you it is cool to talk to someone else who is Messianic. It
is the first time I ever got a chance to do that.
Yes I want to start talking on a phone. I just have to warn you that I am
suffering from communication disability which is called Asperger Syndrome so
sometimes I might not know how to start or continue a conversation. On top
of that my voice is monotone. So I just thought I should warn you about it
so that you won't be weirded out.
Anyway my phone number is ......
April wrote:
Don't worry silly, I don't think I'll be "weirded out" You just have to tell me if you're bored, because that's the thing I worry about most on the phone. I appreciate you telling me though. Just don't be afraid of me, I don't bite. 
You do whatever you feel comfortable doing okay? Oh and I have this weird thing about me too--I never make the first phone call. I don't know why, that's just one of the things that makes me me. I have school during the day M-Th and work random schedule so if you don't reach me that's why. (gives me a number)
Talk to you soon
April
You do whatever you feel comfortable doing okay? Oh and I have this weird thing about me too--I never make the first phone call. I don't know why, that's just one of the things that makes me me. I have school during the day M-Th and work random schedule so if you don't reach me that's why. (gives me a number)Talk to you soon
April
THEN WE TALK ON A PHONE TWO TIMES. Once on friday the other on saturday. Both times we talk, we don't have much to talk about because we only know each other for the first time. After the second conversation she says she wants me to call her next weekend, while during the week she is busy. I decided that it is because she lost her interest as a result of my not talking to her. So here is the conversation that follows:
myself wrote:
I apologise in advance for this email, because what I am going to ask is
just a question where I seek reassurance. And I know that there is no good
reason to ask this. I guess it is simply that due to Asperger I tend to turn
ppl off quite often so at times I become obsessed about little signals that
don't even exist. So please don't take this email personally.
Anyway, what I was going to ask is the whole thing of calling you. I
remember you telling me that the reason you don't want me to call you is
because of your job and school. So I took it at face value. But then few
days down the road, I thought back to it and started to wonder why you gave
me your number on the first place, given how busy you are. So the question I
want to ask is whether it was
a)You became even busier as you went further into semester
b)You were taking a break at the time
c)You lost interest
d)Something I haven't thought of
As you can guess I am most worried about possibility c, and this is what
causes me to write this email. And again I apologise for it, because I know
that the most likely thing is d. I guess I just thought I should ask in
order to be reassured that nothing is wrong. Sorry again for asking.
just a question where I seek reassurance. And I know that there is no good
reason to ask this. I guess it is simply that due to Asperger I tend to turn
ppl off quite often so at times I become obsessed about little signals that
don't even exist. So please don't take this email personally.
Anyway, what I was going to ask is the whole thing of calling you. I
remember you telling me that the reason you don't want me to call you is
because of your job and school. So I took it at face value. But then few
days down the road, I thought back to it and started to wonder why you gave
me your number on the first place, given how busy you are. So the question I
want to ask is whether it was
a)You became even busier as you went further into semester
b)You were taking a break at the time
c)You lost interest
d)Something I haven't thought of
As you can guess I am most worried about possibility c, and this is what
causes me to write this email. And again I apologise for it, because I know
that the most likely thing is d. I guess I just thought I should ask in
order to be reassured that nothing is wrong. Sorry again for asking.
NOW PAY A VERY CLOSE ATTENTION. IN THE EMAIL THAT FOLLOWS YOU WILL SEE A DREADED F-WORD (FRIEND) AND THIS IS THE SUBJECT OF THIS DISCUSSION. THE TWO LJBF SENTENCES ARE PUT IN BOLD SO THAT YOU CAN EASILLY SEE BOTH OF THEM
April wrote:
b and d I guess. I take breaks on the weekends and I figured since we were penpals it might be nice to have a telephone conversation. The weekends (usually sabbath) is when I take off school completely and have more free time. I am a little uncomfortable on the phone honestly because neither one of us is good at making small talk, or thinking of conversation starters. I just wish there wasn't so much silence on the phone. Don't be sorry for asking. I'd rather you ask and be comfortable than to stop emailing. This next weekend is when I'm going out of town for tabernacles and I don't know how good the reception is down there...I'll try to call you on my way down.
I want you to know that I'm just as insecure about what people think of me. No worries, we're friends okay? Oh and I wanted to let you know that both my parents went without food and water yesterday so thanks for the input
April
I want you to know that I'm just as insecure about what people think of me. No worries, we're friends okay? Oh and I wanted to let you know that both my parents went without food and water yesterday so thanks for the input
April
myself wrote:
As far as the silence in the phone conversation I just wish we were to give
it more time to see if there are more things to talk about.
And by the way as far as us being just friends, are you saying you don't
know me well enough, or are you saying you already know we won't be dating,
even a long time down the road?
it more time to see if there are more things to talk about.
And by the way as far as us being just friends, are you saying you don't
know me well enough, or are you saying you already know we won't be dating,
even a long time down the road?
NOW IN THE FOLLOWING EMAIL SHE WILL SAY THAT IT IS TOO EARLY TO THINK IF SHE WILL DATE ME. ON THE ONE HAND I AGREE WITH HER. BUT ON THE OTHER HAND, THE FACT THAT IN THE RPEVIOUS EMAMIL SHE USED DREADED F WORD, IT IMPLIES THAT SHE ALREADY THOUGHT ABOUT IT, HOWEVER, EARLY IT MIGHT BE. SO PLEASE GIVE ME FEEDBACK ON THIS ONE
April wrote:
I'm still going to talk to you on the phone, but I just want you to understand there is a lot of busy work that I have to do throughout the week for school both on paper and on the computer. I won't do that work while I'm talking to someone on the phone...I just think that's rude, so I don't do it. I give people my full attention on the phone. By not talking on the phone during the week I have no excuses not to get my work done. I'm taking 2 classes and 2 eight hour shifts in the hospital each week as well as working part time at Rite Aid. I'm not trying to give you excuses I just want you to understand where I'm coming from.
As far as if I'd date you, I think it's too early to think about that. I don't like jumping into serious relationships, I'd like to have a solid friendship to start with. So, let's not get ahead of ourselves okay? I don't think you know me well enough to decide if I'm date-able or not either, right? If we both go into this not expecting anything more than friendship neither one of us will be disappointed, and if something does come out of it we'll be excited. Either way I just think it's too soon to tell.
I hope this email makes you feel better, I don't mean to give mixed signals or confuse you. I don't really know what's going to happen either, but I like you enough to give you this hint: If you're worried about never being able to date me...it kinda makes me back away because I'm afraid of hurting you, and if you're okay with just being friends...it helps me be myself with no pressure.
April
NOW YOU SEE ON THE ONE HAND HER STATEMENT THAT SHE DOESN'T LIKE TO JUMP INTO THINGS IS QUITE REASONABLE, AND IT GOES HAND IN HAND WITH WHAT SHE WROTE IN PROFLIE. BUT ON THE OTHER HAND, SINCE SHE ALREADY CALLED ME "FRIEND" BY THE RULES OF THE GAME SHE *DID* JUMP INTO THINGS AND DECIDED TO LJBF ME. AFTER ALL, "TAKE IT SLOW" IS A POLITE WAY OF SAYING LJBF
myself wrote:
I think you misunderstood me. And it isn't your fault. Rather it is my own obsession with other people having judged me too fast. So, basically, I do agree that it is best to take things slow and get to know each other before comming up to any kind of conclusion. So if this is trully what you want to do, then it is a good thing from my point of view.
As for the question, I was worried that you did rush things, but in a different way. Namely, I was worried that you have ALREADY considered me as a dating material and ALREADY rejected me as such. This is VERY DIFFERENT from the much better option of simply not worrying about it untill we get to know each other better. In the past there were women who judged me from day 1, so I was just making sure that you aren't one of them.
The only thing that made me paranoid about it is that you referred to me as "friend" in a sentence "No worries, we're friends okay". I have heard that according to the rules of a game, when someone is being referred to as "friend" what is implied is that it was already decided ahead of time that they won't be dating.
I do agree that it is shallow. And also it is unfair towards you because the girls that caused me to have this whole obsession with the word "friend" have nothing to do with you altogether. So I apologise for the email. If it made you back off, I really wish you could disregard it and start it from scratch. Once again, this is probably something I need to get meds for. Because I have been obsessing over a couple of girls who referred to me as "friend" a year ago, and this is the main thing that caused me to jump at you using the word "friend". Obsessions are part of Asperger and yes I need to get meds for them because apart from everything else, they interfere with my academic things too.
As for the question, I was worried that you did rush things, but in a different way. Namely, I was worried that you have ALREADY considered me as a dating material and ALREADY rejected me as such. This is VERY DIFFERENT from the much better option of simply not worrying about it untill we get to know each other better. In the past there were women who judged me from day 1, so I was just making sure that you aren't one of them.
The only thing that made me paranoid about it is that you referred to me as "friend" in a sentence "No worries, we're friends okay". I have heard that according to the rules of a game, when someone is being referred to as "friend" what is implied is that it was already decided ahead of time that they won't be dating.
I do agree that it is shallow. And also it is unfair towards you because the girls that caused me to have this whole obsession with the word "friend" have nothing to do with you altogether. So I apologise for the email. If it made you back off, I really wish you could disregard it and start it from scratch. Once again, this is probably something I need to get meds for. Because I have been obsessing over a couple of girls who referred to me as "friend" a year ago, and this is the main thing that caused me to jump at you using the word "friend". Obsessions are part of Asperger and yes I need to get meds for them because apart from everything else, they interfere with my academic things too.
myself AGAIN wrote:
Okay I tried to think about it and I found a better way to explain my question. So, on the one hand, I agree that people should be friends first. But then why were I reading into things? So I guess what confused me is the USAGE of the word "firned". IN particular, does the word "friend" implies no commitment or does it imply commitment to rejection for the rest of the life? I know that some people mean by it the latter rather than the former, and this implies absurd concept of "now or never". After all, if people do get to know each other first, then doesn't it imply that there are some people who are friends WITHOUT rejecting each otehr YET? In fact, EVERYONE who met for the first time and found things in common should be FRIENDS because there is no reason to be in love with someone you just met. On the toher hand, if being "friends" implied rejection, then every single person who ever met anyone else would REJECT them from day 1 just for the fact that they are called "fruiends" in day 1, and would stick to this rejection for the rest of the life. This would imply that no single person in a planet would EVER date, since every single person who met anyone else USED to be their friend during the day 1 that they met, no matter how remote in the past it used to be. So, this notion that frineds=rejection leads to contradictions UNLESS the rules of a game is now or never. But then again neither of us believe in "now or never". So, this boils down to my not understanding the meaning of word "friend". Can you explain it to me?
So what is your take on it?
Before you vote, here is something to take into account:
[b]The poll is asking whether or not she LJBF-ed me in that email where she used F word AS OPPOSED to asking whether or not my ridiculous reaction is going to make her LJBF me in any future email[b/]
03 Oct 2006, 10:28 pm
04 Oct 2006, 12:09 am
04 Oct 2006, 12:29 am
04 Oct 2006, 4:30 pm
05 Oct 2006, 12:33 am
05 Oct 2006, 2:03 am
05 Oct 2006, 2:36 am
05 Oct 2006, 3:10 am
05 Oct 2006, 7:53 pm
