Getting better

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The production company I work at just had a big open house a few days ago, and this is two parts love, one part social. I think I was successful engaging others, thought I avoided any drinking as I find the taste intolerable, and I do not desire a hangover, or to act so silly as to be when one is drunk.

One of my coworkers wanted to dance, but I bowed out. I loathe dancing, because I would surely look the fool. And there was no reason to, because there is no possible romantic connection between us, because she doesn't date coworkers, and I see this wisdom in this and share the sentiment.

All told it was pretty successful. Now as for love/dating? I admit during the night having pangs of the old feelings about dating that I'm trying to push aside, now that I've given up trying or hoping for any kind of love or romance.

In fact, prior to the party I was at a speaking engagement, and met a girl along with an old college classmate, I gave them both my card and invited them to the party. Neither came which was fine, and I guess it was stupid trying to invite a girl by giving her my number, but I tend to do silly things like that. I've gotten to where I just don't care what the rules are...I'll try things my way, and to hell with the person who judge and dismisses me because I don't follow the unwritten rules of courtship.

At the party, I saw some attractive women and I felt pangs of desire, of wanting to engage. As it turned out, most I would learn had boyfriends, or were engaged...I have a singular ability for picking out the girls who are already spoken for.

I admit feeling envy at their BFs good fortunes at connecting with such women. I studied them, trying to see what they had that I did not. Some are taller than me, most more handsome, all surely more charismatic and of the stock that women like. Stock from which I am surely not made.

But then I reminded myself of all that I have...a place to live, my job, and I've been given abilities through AS which allow me to do special things in my work as a filmmaker. I believe this is my gift, my purpose, to create something beautiful for the world, and the price is that I am not meant to be loved, to have companionship, to have romance. I am supposed to be alone, and this fact is reinforced by my 100% fail record over hundreds of attempts. I am simply not meant to be loved. I am MEANT to work, work, work, and at that party I reminded myself continually to not fixate on women, to remember they mean nothing, and are unimportant. I will never have a girlfriend, so why let worries such as those distract me from my purpose, my life's pursuit?

I went home content, satisfied, knowing that once again I had resisted the temptation to fall into old habits and delusions, by trying to engage women. It is a fool's errand because I have nothing to offer them that they want. I went home grateful for what I DO have, and ready to continue work on my next film. If I can make it the way it exists in my head, it will be one of the greatest animated films ever created. I think I can do it if I work hard enough, and prepare enough. And continue to resist these foolish notions that I can be loved!

Most people dance for fun not because they fancy someone.

OP, you're kidding yourself. Just saying. But if you're happy with it, that's fine.

Just, if you're so committed to leaving romance behind, why all these long posts talking about it? If you'd truly forgotten about it you wouldn't even need to do so.

To inspire others that there is more to life than dating and the pursuit of companionship and sex.

That you can find satisfaction, and that perhaps we with AS are better suited to focus are talents in productive ways, and quit wasting our precious energies on useless endeavors, for potential suitors (male or female) who will never accept us for who we are.

I like to think that if I can reprogram myself, to wield control over my bestial impulses, and forget the lifetime of propagandizing by a society that teaches us the only path to happiness is marriage, child rearing & regular spending on consumer goods, if I can do that, others can too. We all can, rather than continuing on in futility.