Meetups

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And no, I don't want this thread to be in the "Social Skills and Making Friends" because every time I do this the thread remains a ghost thread.

that was inspired from replies in the other thread:

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

Mikelight wrote:

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

deconstruction wrote:

What do we need to do to make MR20 look at our history?

But seriously now... If you like video games, anime and porn, go for it. Stay in the house and enjoy it if it makes you happy. But I don't understand why you whine about it; you clearly choose not to get outside the house. And you can't get a girl or friends if you stay inside (unless you try online dating/friendship).

Hmm, it's not easy to 'get outside of the house' if you absolutely have no friends to hang out.

I mean where to go other than the gym, grocery, and work? You can go alone to the cinema but it's not really a place to meet people. Going alone to the pub? it might works but loners in pubs are usually avoided. Online dating is a b***h.

Based on what I witness, most relationships emerge through social networking rather than coincidental meetings.

meetup.com

Find a group that does things you like and that meets up somewhere in the vicinty of where you live. Talk to people there, make friends. ???. Profit.

I've tried something similar (been on a local forum and I've physically attended almost every single social meetup that was organized there). I've attended like 10 of big meetups and dozen of smaller gatherings over 3 years.

It didn't work for me to get friends ....and it is not as easy as it sounds.

You know, almost every adult acquaintance I know has friends who he/she knew since school/college/childhood.

Sometimes by browsing my FB, i got surprised by the same groups who are still sticked together to this day since I knew them from elementary/mid school.


What I mean, that almost every adult of my age has a "locked" circle of friends, it's hard for an new outsider (outside the circle) to penetrate it and join it, you may become just a buddy with one of the circle but hardly a friend.

That's the case I've noticed at my workplace, no one is really friend with another coworker at my work. True, sometimes we make small gatherings for a lunch or drink some beer or go to some coworker's wedding, but that's it. As for daily hanging out? Everyone has his own circle for that.

I can think of only two coworkers who are really friends to each others and within the same circle but they knew each others since they were teens , I've just overheard many times their teen stories during lunch.

There's also another group of four coworkers who are real friends (to each others, not to me) and I've learned the other day that they knew each others since college, they've even served together in the same brigade of the army (the 1 year obligatory military service), they're a very 'locked' circle at work that everyone even noticed that (always together, don't share conversations outside their circle...etc).

As for all the other coworkers, we're just more or less of just buddies with each others.

As for the online forum's meetups, I've noticed that they go there in order to get dates (or to meet finally people they fancied online) more than anything else, there were circles in every meetup I went to (and each circle consisted of people who knew each others way before the forum thing) and they seemed mostly interested in conversing with people of just the opposite gender rather than developing new friendships with either genders. I was always the only one who came really 'alone' by myself and that automatically has put me at disadvantage.

And for some very weird reason, most of those people in those meetups were from RICH families (rich ex-expats particularly), seriously rich, some of their parents are business owners, senior surgeons, farm owners, horse ranch owners, one particular girl I recall well came on a private jet from Qatar a day before just to attend the meetup, I found out later she's a Yemeni princess and her father owns a huge share of some petroleum company. Sometimes I was literally the only one from a lower-middle class in the meetup. That also didn't make things easier to befriend them because i couldn't relate to the most of the activities and stuff they were talking about.

The only way that might works for me is having meetups with just friend-less people (Boo-like) and hence try to make my own circle out of them, but a such scenario is very unrealistic to happen.

I am totally convinced, that there's a certain period, a phase of 'friendship forging' in the human's lifetime, and if it happens to not be strong enough or not being maintained properly, it would become quasi-impossible to re-forging another circle of real friends after that period (because others would already have their owns), the "after that period" is usually the after college graduation phase of life, like everyone else I am already 'locked' in the same circle but my circle just consists of me.

So I missed the boat of this one in my life.

hmm... maybe I'm just a lucky SOB...

See my hobby(special interest) is video games and I participate in competitive gaming. I'm currently 27 and I started playing competitively last year. However in just that year's time I've made a lot of friends. The guys that I game with, I also hang out with at any time because we've become actual friends over time. They're a quirky bunch but so am I and we always have a good time. I found a forum for the games, went to a meetup for it. Got some names and numbers and kept in touch. Honestly it's probably the best thing that happened for having friends.

i don't have any friends left from my childhood or teen years (we may have "friended" each other on facebook out of curiosity though). my friendships don't usually last for more than 2 years (although for once i do have a couple of friends from work that have lasted almost 3 years), so i am constantly meeting new people and making new friends. some places i made friends are: WP, aspie group, job, volunteer work, facebook, university classes, neighbours, friends of friends, etc.

one of my therapists wants to create a social group too so that might lead to some new friends. most interesting source... i think my massage therapist might become my friend too, but we'll see. we have a lot in common.

Hopefully attending to one on a few days(date to be settled yet), dont want to get my hopes up but they seem like friendly people(encouraging me to join them in the past when I pointed out I couldnt for medical reasons/welcoming even though Ive barely posted there...).

Have made a few friends through university but most of my "friends" end up disappearing one way or another. For example theres this people that I used to hang out with(cheap movies with a few friends, going out for a drink,going at a mexican restaurant on a sunday...) that now avoid me. Its odd, the other day I was at the library and a girl from this group went by a couple of times, she acted like she hadnt seen me yet when she was going back to her seat she grabbed my hand just to let me know she had seen me and the same behaviour has been going on for months with her and other people from the group(dont talk in months then Im asked if I´d like to go to a cheap movies marathon with them...)

Some childhood friends that have a love/hate relationship with
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I cant blame anyone but me. A couple of years ago for example I was outgoing/clownish/fun to be around and I had my pick(declined the offer to start hanging out with some people because I barely knew them and I had this childhood "friends" and now Im regretting it because they seemed nice...).

Trying to make up for past opportunities now and forget about this childhood friends for a while because its clearly not working out right now.

just meeting likeminded folk at my monthly aspie meetups has been a tonic to me, even if they are not really what i would call personal friends. just knowing 'em as acquaintances is healing for me, who previously knew almost nobody else [similar to myself] outside of my immediate family.

I'd be more than happy to meet most people from this forum... you especially OP.

^^ The kind of 'friends' you're describing is the occasional friends, those are just friends with you in the right place and in the right time (ie. college, work..). Once you move from this place they would barely remember to contact, and little by little you lose touch with them (unless if you make a tremendous one-sided effort). Sometimes such occasional friends appear so close to the point that you'd think of them as best friends at some point, but they're rarely are.


I recall two colleagues who were like this, we were always the same trio togther during university, studying together (= me helping them), lunch together, drinking together , secrets...etc
Just after one week of graduation, I made the first call with them in order to see if we're having lunch together like every sunday, they both "proscrastinated" the outing till some time later.
Next weekend I called again... same.

I learned later that they were still hanging out together (they're neighbours) but they never made the effort to call me and invite me.

So I felt that calling them one more time again would be insulting my 'pride'. So I didn't do it again and never heard of them again.

Maybe this sounded the right thing to do but I regret it, I always had a such attitude and that wasn't helpful: When someone doesn't call back I don't call again , when a girl i fancy doesn't show the least interest I just fully-stop pursuing her on the spot...etc


My excess of this so-called "pride" just made me more isolated, was too attached to the golden rule, I should have been more flexible and expecting less similair returns from others.

And I should have made more effort to maintain contact with people.

I'm not really into pride, but generally, if people are interested, they will make their interest known. If they ARE busy the day you invite them, they WILL call back and arrange another date. And they WILL call YOU. If they aren't interested, usually there's no use in pursuing them (be it as friends or romantic partners). It's not about the pride as much as wasting your energy and emotions.

^ used to think the same but think of itfrom another pov:
I am socially inept, meaning that i can't make friends easily, meaning that I should make x10 the effort than a normal human being in order to maintain friends/buddies and even potential buddies.

Many normal people wouldn't value the loss of occasional friendships because they propably have their own circle and have the required skills to make replacements. I have none of those.

I had a pride problem, in that I'd purposely end the friendship if I didn't know where I stood with that person - so I appeared "better". I'd attempt to reach them 2-3 times before that, though.

I find the best places to make friends are where you hang out regularly, rather than one-off chances of meeting people. Like say, a course. If you live near each other you can revise together etc...although this hasn't happened to me yet - I missed the chance last year which I could've kicked myself for. Most of the time it takes me a couple of weeks to read between the lines that someone wants to hang out with me.

Does it bother you that much that you don't have friends? How do you think you appear to people cos of this?

i've made some of my closest friends through Meetups. Some I've been friends with for over 3 years. I recommend you at least try it. I'm in an Asperger group, but they meet down in Richmond and I've been busy so I haven't been able to go.

For my experiences, mostly I found that the folks were accomodating, and I've gone on travels to a few places in Europe with those folks.

About all that we had in common is that all of us were relative strangers to Ireland. I am the only one planning to make a home of this place. Nonetheless we've gone and seen cities we would have found hard to visit on our own, we watched each others' backs in those same strange cities and we've been willing to put up with a variety of personal tics. My personal one being, in the words of my sometime roommate: "snoring like a forest fire."

You get what yourself and others put into it, same as any other association of people.

OP (FOB), if it helps, I understand very highly the reality of "work friends" or "school friends" who don't necessarily stick around. I think that's just life, and I think that goes for just about everyone. My personal take is: "A friendship tends to fade, or at least go on hold, when at least one side has nothing more to learn from, or about, the other side." As far as I see such things, that's not a snub, that's just life.

I think that people here (not necessarily the OP) sometimes believe NTs have more friends than they actually do. Just because they appear to be always in a crowd or among close friends, doesn't mean that's how really is.

In reality, most of the people have 2-3 good friends, not more than that. I understand that's often 2-3 good friends more than people here have, but you need to understand that those who appear that are always surrounded by people might not have good and honest friends to support them.

In my experience, people who have many friends and hand out with them all the time do have a rich social life in terms of going out, clubbing, partying and doing similar activities. But when it comes to true closeness, honest support and real friendship, this crowd means nothing. These people have only a few true friends, and more often than one would think, they have none: all of their friends are there just to party and have fun, but are nowhere to be found when you're down or need a support.

So I don't think anybody here should envy people who have a huge crowd do go out with. You goal should be to find a few people you can be comfortable with; people who will truly support you and be there for you. For a person that's not particularly social, one close/good friend is enough.

I've been to a few meetups, the first was with a bunch of other mother's, we all had our babies in the same month of the same year. We used to give each other advice on the forum we used, although really it was more a case of does you baby do this too or is it just mine? It was extremely awkward for me, my husband was annoyed and ready to rant at any moment because the people who hosted the get together locked their cat up in some cage out back. That was the first and last time I ever saw them, people went on the forum less and less and we all drifted apart, not that I was ever close to any of them, I was about as close to them as I am to any member here (so not at all seeing as I'm new here).

Another hobby of mine was crazy hair, different coloured dreads / styles etc, again another forum and again meetups, I went to one. Again didn't connect with anyone, they all seemed to get on great and since then they have all become very close.

And another forum and more meetups, this one centred around a cosmetics company. Same thing again everyone seemed to already be quite close so I didn't really connect with anyone and with my awesome social skills I managed all of 0 conversations, answering the odd question of hi how are you what's your username etc before I ran off in the midst of being overwhelmed by the crowd and noise i then went on a shopping spree to calm myself down / cheer myself up.

Same thing in October, another meetup different company hosting an opening party of a new shop, several forum people went, they tried to engage me in conversation but it didn't go well. I pre-warned them that I was socially awkward and had a hard time in social situations, hopefully they don't all think I'm crazy, particularly the one woman who asked if I was okay and I proceeded to rant about just managing, being on the verge of freaking out, I then almost knocked over a display and wanted the ground to open up and swallow me. In the end they all seemed to be chatting amongst themselves so I busied myself filling up shopping baskets full of products to buy feeling utterly miserable the whole time. I've been avoiding that forum since, I just can't make a connection with people. Even when I manage to exchange emails there is always a business like purpose, they want a website or advice about their business or help tracking down a troll.

Anyway in my experience meetups have been an utter failure but that's more then likely due to the lack of interaction on my part beforehand.