What should I tell her?

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Pretty straight forward. If I start dating an NT woman, should I tell her about this part of my life? I have one prospect at the moment & I've actually told her about my Crohn's but not the Asperger's/autism facet of my live.
And if I should do it, WHEN?

Sincerely,

Matthew

Matthew, ultimately I think this is one of those questions that requires good social judgment.

Since I have very poor social judgment, if the subject does need to come up, the opportune time for me is after I have a chance to shine by showing off what I'm good at. In your case, this would be when she compliments you on your knowledge or skill at what you're good at, and asks you how you became so smart (or whatever the compliment). Then mention you have AS, and that it has upsides and downsides.

If she pursues the subject further by asking you to be more specific, which she likely will if she's interested in you, you can tell her you're not good at dealing with people, but that since she fascinates you, you're making a special effort just for her.

Good luck!

I like this, for being on the spectrum definitely has both upsides and downsides.

Generally, before you sleep with her. This is preferable. Or if not, before you move in with her.

And probably several short to medium conversations, rather than one 'THE' conversation.

Yeah, I think it should be before I sleep with her. Which is the part I usually don't get to anyway. But if I get that far, I think that was good advice.
I'm aware that my condition has upsides as well as downsides. I do have some talent & a lot of knowledge. And its led me to some unusual & exciting vocations in the past. (But it helped destroy one too ).

Matthew

Just mention it casually if it is related to your conversation. ("Also, I have Asperger's Syndrome..." or "Yes, I have trouble with that due to my Asperger's Syndrome..." or "By the way, I have Asperger's Syndrome..." or "Hey, I'm disabled too! I have Asperger's Syndrome..." or something like that)

I don't understand why people with Asperger's Syndrome don't tell people about it as soon as they have their first middle-sized conversation with them! It's a very important part of who we are, and it saves a lot of trouble and heartbreak later. If whoever you're talking to doesn't want to be your friend or significant other because of Asperger's Syndrome, they're probably a bigot and not someone you should be around anyway.

That actually sounds like good advice..
But I usually guard my health issues along with my privacy pretty heavy ( Insurance just one reason, I learned decades ago its possible to be TOO honest.). Even, or, rather especially the CD is something I rarely talk about, because people don't understand even that. Or offer me diet advice/ "cures" etc.
Still might try it, though..
Thank you!

Matt

I would suggest WAITING to tell her that you have AS.

If you tell her, or anyone you just met early on that you have it.
1. They don't know what it is
2. They don't care what it is
3. They have a misconception for it.

Let her get to know you and care about you first. Develop a strong bond first, so definitely not the first 3 dates or the first month.

Sell yourself before you sell your AS.

Disclosing that you are on the spectrum is a matter of preference, if you feel that it will solve misunderstandings or barriers between the both of you, I would suggest you do disclose it. A diagnosis is meant to give you and the people around you a sense of understanding of why you are who you are.

However if you are in the early stages of the relationship, I would suggest focusing on other aspects of yourself and just showing her that you are capable of offering her a sense of love, security and trust. Focus on the positive traits and don't talk about yourself in a negative defeatist way which may make you appear to be self obsessed.

WolfHeart:

I'm just considering it at this point. One, I work with this person (not in the same job dept. tho) so I might not want to. We have already become friends & I know she is somewhat attracted to me. I don't know how much & I have had issues with "over reading" as wel as "Underreading" this in females before.
She is also not really my physical type, but that doesn't seem as large an issue these days. Nothing needs to be set in stone.
I'm also, reluctantly, dipping my toes back into the cyber-dating thing. Of course, I may have no success again with that. The issue is still relevant I guess, in that case, if I do find someone actually interested in dating me, not psycho-analyzing me (Chemistry.com, that is all I ever seemed to get. That, or scams!).
Thanks for the advice.

Sincerely,
Matthew

yeah it might be worth us trying to develop some sort of guidelines rules some where on when to do this but this is my generally guidelines


Never tell more then 2 people at a time there will be questions the less you have to answer or rather the more you have to answer the more flustered you will become and so you will give a poorer impression of yourself.


Don't tell them when you first meet the chances of being stigmatized are too high


If they ever mention that they have a friend or family with it that's a good time

If they tell you about some secret of theirs that is a good time (like they tell you they are bi polar or something like that)

If its a girl friend your really going to need them to know before you move in there wont be a way to hide it then it might be hard for them to adjust but its better for them to do it in the knowledge you trusted them then having a feeling of some identifiable wronges about you.


Also if it helps you can tell them individual elements of the asd but describe them as just your personality type that way when then know it wont be too much new information.

(for instance its helpful for your friends to know inviting you to that frankly hellish night club with the loud music blazing lights and everyone dancing is not really your thing)

Do not be afraid to hide it for a period of time we are not the only non NT in the world there was a time when depression or alcoholism where taboo conversation there was even a time when suicides in the family where taboo and as such would be hided in the same way children born out of wet lock where.


If someone asks why you have not told them earlier you can say this you where afraid to be stigmatized you were not sure when the right time was and you did not quite know how too

This has the added advantage of being true so should be easy enough to remember.

I think the real question should not be should I but when should I who should I and how should I you will have to revile it sometimes

I've actually disclosed too much about my other Health issue, Crohn's disease, to her IMO. She knows I'm somewhat dependent on a couple of meds. But hopefully, I explained this as required treatment, not addiction. I do get withdrawl, but I don't obsess over these meds. And I certainly don't get high. Its just a fact of Lfe for me..
But at the moment, the ASD thing might be TMI.
I'll just see where it goes, from here.

Sincerely,
Matt

A quick PS here:

It almost came up on Tuesday evening. Near the end of my shift we were chatting & I happened to mention that I had some trouble keeping room mates in college. I sort of let it slide, just said some personalities clashed (True!). Plus, I actually liked having the blasted room to myself. LOL
This is one discussion I'm still not certain of!

Matt