Why do people say "just focus on something else"?

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I feel as though that isn't really addressing the problem, that being the fact that i am unbearably lonely. I involuntarily think about my status all the time, no matter what i'm doing. Whenever I see a couple (and there's a lot of them out there), it triggers a loneliness attack. I can't stop it, and distracting myself doesn't work. I just want to be loved, so that I don't have to feel this way anymore...

People say things like this in a sincere attempt to help you, I don't think they really believe it themselves.

I tend to find the fact that they want to help to be far more comforting than the actual "advice"...

Its the same thing they'd probably say if you were complaining often about there being poverty, war, or dictators in the world. Like these things - whether or not you'll ever be loved, unless you have loads of room for self-improvement, is really out of your hands and theirs as well. Its really them admitting as well that they'd agree you have no control over it.

I do feel this way at times - that some people just give total BS excuses as advice. Not that I'd really blame them, though, as it seems like a sort of last resort, if anything. I've talked to some others in life that I felt just complain all the time and it gets so tiring and frustrating, and only come to realize it's how I've been a lot of times in the past. It's no wonder people would tell me not to worry about it or tell me everything will be ok and just avoid me altogether.

So since then I've learned to be a bit more selective with who I talk to. Sure, a place like this might be good to vent, but if I wanted any real advice(not saying any of it here is necessarily worthless), I have close friends to rely on, but I also give back and realize life is not just about me or my problems alone. There is no "main character". It's good to strive for things that you want in life, but not at the expense of treating others badly.

The only advice I could give you would be to focus on bettering yourself. Other than that, it's really just trial and error. Not everyone is going to like you regardless of who you are, but at least you'll find out who is and is not right for you. My own personal philosophy is to be as friendly and open as possible until given a reason not to be. Even then, there wouldn't be much reason to be rude, but rather to walk away fro anyone you'd rather not deal with anyway.

When people say "just focus on something else" they actually mean "stop bothering us about it, we don't care".

Theres this "thing" that makes us unable to see a solution when we´ve been focusing on the same thing for too long.

Its applied on almost every problem that you may be stuck with from problems with programming to everyday situations that seem to have no solution. Just take a break and try to see if you can sort it afterwards.



Im not really sure how it works but you´ll find that you may start to notice other little things once youve stopped obsessing about this problem of yours and you´ll be able to sort out the problem in a quickly manner.


You are questioning how does this apply to the world of dating?. Its quite simple actually:


- I have several fears around suitable females(What if she thinks Im a joke/what if I say x and she thinks Im a creep...) and this sort of thing usually make me unable to approach any female.
I just spent two days studying with a very nice class mate I was barely familiar with just to prove myself that I could do it and there was nothing wrong with asking. I saw her asking a male class mate if he was going to study and since he had other plans I asked if she would mind if I joined her(lame jokes about the help of moral support...)
That day ended with her asking to add me on fb and setting a study for today.

Why did this happen?.
Because I have set the whole dating aside and Im just trying to be comfortable with myself at the moment. I had no need to worry about her questioning my intentions (because I had none) and I could just be myself.


How is this going to help me in any way?

Hopefully it´ll show that my fear about rejection... is irational and I should just try to be myself at all times. Im also starting to get comfortable around females again which is also important when it comes to dating.


Will something like this sort out your problems?
I cant say it will but, can you prove that it wont? Have you given this sort of thing a fair chance before dismissing it because its not what you want to hear?...
Finding a partner usually requires being open to every possibility, not ruling anything out until you cant say for sure that it wont work out.

What they mean is develop some meaning in your life.

When the approval of others is all that matters to you then there is something wrong - you need therapy and guidance from someone who lives near you.

I can still remember a few of the intensely lonely episodes from my twenties. Very unpleasant. It was like I was seeing something far away that I wanted and didnt have the first idea of how to get it.

You have two options. One, use the intensity of the feeling to drive you to action. Two, wait for it to pass and / or another distraction to come along. Ive tried both at different times. My only advice would be that you should be open to both. Sometimes feeling lonely or horny can be a great motivator to do something you wouldnt normally do (something legal. ).

I think it can be all of those things some want you to go away now others do not really know what to say but want you do know they care others think it will help others don't believe it will but hope there wrong

others do not really understand