My life runs so much smoother when I'm in a relationship....

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One thing I liked about living with a partner was how it made it easier for me to navigate my life, just by having someone around who was actually successfully managing the mundane routine to navigate his own life. I don't mean that my partners helped me out directly, but kind of by example, or osmosis. . . things like having a schedule, keeping the house clean, being social . . .

So it's good for me to be in a relationship ~ for whatever reason, possibly psychological (who knows & I don't care) I tend to live more of the life I want to live, when I'm in a relationship ~ even aspects of the life having nothing to do with the partner ~ And yet~!

The problem is, I feel like I just can't do a relationship ~ historically my relationships always end badly ~ and by end badly, I mean slowly and badly, with much badness and a very long ending, and long lasting residual damage to myself as well, so . . .

I had two relationships in the last ten years, both of which kicked my ass ~ one on top of the other ~ slam, pause, DOUBLE SLAM.

Officially, I ended both relationships ~ but I feel in both cases, my ex partners contributed much, much more than I did to the ending of the relationships, by their escalating intolerable behavior.

Both of these guys, I feel sure, are somewhere along the spectrum of narcissist~/~sociopath~/~psychopath ~ neither is diagnosed with anything like that, because they'd never believe they, themselves, could have issues that would qualify them for a mental health diagnosis. There's nothing wrong with them, in their eyes nothing *could* be wrong with them ~ it's all, and I mean all the other person's fault, always.

You know what? All the people I've been in relationships (there've been a bunch, I'm kinda old, so) ... they each seemed so different from the others, but in the end ~ actually, not too long after the beginning, or at best, somewhere in the middle ~ ~ anyway ~ they were just not OK. One of the two I refer to was an abuser (and I've been involved with other abusers in the longer ago past, multiple abusers)....


My guess now is that I would usually always miss the "interestedness" cues from normal guys who were trying to catch my attention, thus accidentally making them feel rejected ~ and their response to that was (what I imagine to be a typical / "normal" style response) to back off, and drop the notion of getting in a romantic relationship with me, or even getting to know me better . . .

But the sickest guys, desperately seeking narcissistic supply (I love taking psych classes and even took a couple in my 40s Night school though ~ there were a # of other old people there, too.)

Anyway ~ people with those types of mental illness need other people around them so they have someone to feed off, and I think this is similar to what NT people are said to be doing when they do social behaviors: they get their batteries recharged by it in a similar way to how I feel refreshed after having time alone (or more often, just crave time alone when there hasn't been enough, and grasp hold of it ) ~ Psychopaths, et al have an instinctive way of knowing what it would take to suck in any given random person that they may be interested in getting together with.

Being in a relationship with a person like that is bad enough, but in my case, I think I give off a vibe to the evil partner that says I am his inferior. This might, in part, come from the fact that I don't have a good organizational system on my own, although I can follow along to someone else's semi-successfully ~ which may lead them to think (as per their tendencies) I was a good candidate for a relationship in which I was the lesser of the two participants: quality and status wise.

Like, even a severely mentally ret*d person can be capable of certain tasks. . . those are the ones I suck at, the basic, linear, repetitive stuff. So what does that make me in the partner's perception, when he sees that I clearly struggle with being able to keep the floors in my house clean. . . If they are the type of person who is inclined to want a relationship with someone inferior to them, so they can be the king of the relationship ~ I think they hone in on certain ineptitudes of mine and run with it. . . often they have been blind to my accomplishments, and some of those were (I think) fairly significant ~ but that's just part of who those guys are, they have a personality disorder, it's not going away, and it makes everything be my fault.

But~! I do like having a Normal-ish home scene, with somewhat of a regular-ish schedule, and regular meals, maybe even meals with some variety! hahaha . . . and though not expecting to be perfect, nor would I be comfortable in a "perfect" scene, but I would like to keep this train running on time, and it's so much less stressful when everything clean and in its place. . . I struggle more than ever, trying to create this, and not succeeding by my standards ~ not at all.

The most successful I have been with managing day-to-day life was during the times I was in committed relationships in which my partner and I were living together. And seriously, like I said ~ the partner didn't have to even show me a good example of having it together ~ even when I was in a relationship with a guy who had NO organizational skills and was a hoarder, and in fact made tons more work for me than I had prior to being with him (though I was a single mom to two young kids when we got married)... but somehow, having him around, being in a relationship definitely does still improve my ability to tap into a rhythm for more effectively running a household.

So ~ while I do kind of wish sometimes that I could be in a relationship with someone ~ in part for the ulterior motive, looking for someone whose routine I can imitate up close because I'm struggling to keep it together in many arenas of life right now, and I don't so much need someone's physical / direct help as much as I need someone around whose routine / schedule I can latch onto and base my own upon. It's not like my partner would be doing everything it takes to keep a smooth household going ~ not necessarily even reminding me of things that need to be done ~ except by his presence and the fact that he has established a routine of life, and does navigate it successfully, or more successfully than I do.


But I also don't want a relationship: partly b/c I want to spend a lot of time alone, and *really* like being at my own house; partly b/c they have all deteriorated into horror, and I am not sure what I could do to avoid that consequence.

Also, they're not exactly banging down the door. No one would even know I'm here, really. I don't go out very much at all; don't have much contact with people, but that's not necessarily a permanent state of affairs. As much as I enjoy it, I know having others around helps me to function better (better, by my standards, and by conventional standards as well).


What do you think?

Maybe you need a rent a room out to someone who can set a good example--if you price it low you can pick and choose who you rent to.