Mind-blindness

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I'm seriously beginning to wonder if it's even possible to overcome mind-blindness in romantic relationships.

I used to think that it could be overcome with really good verbal communication, but a lot of times I can't tell if it's sincere or sarcasm, and there's still stuff I'm "supposed to know" even without being told.

Does anyone else feel this way? Has anyone managed to overcome the helpless feeling you get when you simply can't understand what your partner needs from you?

Now, I just ask outright if I don't understand or know the answer.
It sometimes makes things awkward for a few hours, but then it definitely helps in the long run.

I have my sights set on a gorgeous sexxii Aspie chick...I figure that there are two potential solutions to the problem you pose...be with an incredibly understanding and patient NT, which would still leave me feeling like my partner was perpetually making the larger effort to make the relationship work, as well as never feeling as if we fully understood each other...or be with an Aspie that had similar experiences in life related to our shared difference and we naturally understood each other most of the time.

I don't think being an aspie means that you live in your own bubble and are unable to deeply connect with others emotionally and mentally...I think it is possible that the aspie inability to feel connected is due to the different way in which we perceive, process, and interact with the world around us.

It's good to have agreements to cover these times when things cannot be dealt with on the spot. One that (almost) worked once was when my partner needed a response from me about something quite complex and I literally didn't get it. I sort of felt all curled up and incapable and had no idea even where to start thinking about it. He had the sense to realise what I needed more than anything was time, and was prepared to give me that time. Unfortunately, he didn't give me the other thing I needed, which was a clue from him about what the hell was bothering him. The time enabled me to uncurl and start analysing the situation, though I ended up going off on a completely fresh tangent so we were never able to sort out that issue properly before it caused implosion of the r/s. But I think the principle is sound.

PS I think sometimes skill in verbal communication (whether spoken or written) can compound the blindness, through making you feel pleased about the quality of your communication, when in reality all it has done is distracted you from the fact that you've actually missed the point. Your greatest tool can therefore become a trap. I've only just learned this, and am not sure what to do with it, because I had great faith in words until then.

If I even suspected my girlfriend of getting sarcastic with me, I'd dump her in a heartbeat. I can play that game too, but refuse to do so in my personal life. Sarcasm with somebody you purport to love and care about signifies a deep character flaw.

Very well said.

I've always sort of thought that although the NT would have to be really patient and understanding at first, eventually you would get to know each other well enough to function almost like a "normal" couple.

Of course it's extremely difficult to find someone willing to hang in there long enough for things to get to that point...

Grisha, the way you are phrasing this implies to me than you feel the onus is on you to solve the issues in a relationship yourself. It isn't. It's called a partnership for a reason: your partner has to work at it equally as hard as you do.

And you should also keep in mind that the traditional relationship that we accept as the norm isn't really the norm anymore. Married couples are actually the minority in the US according to a recent census. Also, zoologically speaking, homo sapiens sapiens is not a monogamous animal.

Essentially, AS/NT partnerships have a lot more going against them than just Asperger's getting in the way. You've got genetics, gender differences, and society as a whole going against you too, but so does every other relationship. Compared to all that, AS is just one more thing. It can be the straw that breaks the camel's back for some folks, but the same tools that work for any successful marriage can also keep an AS/NT marriage healthy with a surprisingly little amount of modification.

This too.

Find an empath, like Famke Jansen in that TNG episode. They're about 1% of the population, same as us.

Or Marina Sirtis as Counselor Troi in like every TNG episode ever .

She was a sexual metamorph, not strictly only an empath.

Oops on my post, then! Forgot about that episode entirely. Saw TNG and empath and thought Troi. Did not recall the rest of that equation.

You obviously haven't been to one of my family's dinners before... sarcasm is pretty much all that happens there. And yet we all stick together. It's about knowing when to be silly and when to be serious. It took significant time for me to understand as well, but I came out better for it...

Find one of those then. I found three.

And they all look like Bea Arthur all the time.

I've only known beautiful ones. It's one thing Star Trek got really right - beautiful empaths who love geeks.