advice needed on how to tell my husband I think he has AS

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My husband and I are currently living seperatly in the same house with our child. I can't cope with what feels to me like terrible emotional abuse. He thinks I have abused him though. I heard about AS on the radio the other day and it was like someone was describing him. He knows he's excentric and he jokes sometimes that he thinks he has OCD. He's treated me appallingly (I feel) particularly when I was pregnant; when my father was dying and when I've had 4 misscarriages, but he can't see that at all (although he did write me a beautiful letter appologising for being so awful while I was pregnant after someone had advised us that a possible reason for difficultly having a second child was that I was afraid of pregnancy now). Only when his behaviour became so extream (again, my perception - clearly his perception is very different from mine) this summer have I realised there is soemthing "wrong "- not just with our marriage but with him. By this stage I had become frightened of him. He's not violent (pushes me or knocks into me or hold his fist to my face but no hitting) but he has terrible rages and seams to despise me. Since immeditly after mariage it seamed to me that he has no conscience or feeling of guilt ever and he is unable to understand the concept of puting himself in somone elses shoes. I have had many nights recently of being so frighened that I've had to sleep in with my daughter because I felt he was capable of anything. I tried to leave him at the begining of the year and he went derranged. He threatened to kill himself in front of our child and he still can't see anything wrong with that now - and he idolises her.

With this background I did a lot of research on mental health. He seamed to fit the criteria for schizopherinia and I thought thats what he had because he has long long conversations out loud with noone and he seams to have taken againt a lot of people this year. He says that's mad though and refuses to investigate it. I also read a very chilling article on pschopathy and he meets a lot of those citeria - but I know in my heart does have feelings of love - its not what I think of as love - eg no kindness in it - but he isn't a bad person deep down, he's more like a spoiled child. But I have called him a monster many times - because thats what he feels like to me - heartless.

But he fits the AS criteria closest I'd say and a lot of his behaviour which seamed so cruel to me before makes sence if I read other AS people's meassages on here about how they feel.

First does this sound like AS? Second, how do I approach telling him I think this so we can start to understand each other better and be a family. He loves counelling - we had marriage councelling for 6 months so he will not feel threatened if I suggest this (but unless they are AS trained it won't help) but he'd go mad if I suggest he have any think of assesment to see if something is "wrong" with him. I am severly dyslexic and dyspraxic myself and was only diagnosed 5 yrs ago. I'd known since a child there was something wrong with me and was overjoyed to find out that there was a reason for some of my difficulties and that there was things I could do to help it not be such an issue. Communication and undersanding people was a big isue for me but I had some training and it was massivley helpful to me in every area of my life. Some of the things I have issues with he does too but he makes no allowance for my difficulties. Eg I am untidy but I know exactly where everything is and I have special places for things. It drives be to destraction when I go to look for something and its not where I left it or where it is supposed to be - not just annoying but a sence of almost blinding panic and rage consume me. I have had to learn to manage this and calm myslef but it is so so difficult every day to do. He on the otherhand he hates things to be left out an he "tidies" constantly but really just moves things about and puts them anywhere. He makes no attempt what so ever to control this urge or to even put anything of mine thats left out in one specific place so if its not where I left it or in the right place at least I know it will be in the "tidy basket". I know AS and Dyslexia are very different (although when diagnosed I was told my dyspraxia is very close to autism) but does anyone think there may be any similarity to how one might feel about having AS to fiding out your have dyslexia? I want to be sensitive - I want to help him. I'm prepared to make changes and see things from his perspective (if between him, advice here and books etc I can learn his perspective) but is AS really so limiting on an individul that they will never be able to make any changes themselves and I just have to totally accept everything he does and says. He's always said one day I'll just accept him, but presumbly AS people are capable of bad behaviour just like anyone else - where is the line between bad behaviour and what his AS (if thats what it is) requires him to do. I know that the nicer I am to him the worse he is to me - and he aknowledges this. I have been being so so tollerant and nice for the last 4 months and he says its really nice and he hopes it can go on, but his behaviour to me has got worse and worse in this time until I've said we need to split the house in two and be seperate - so now he is trying to be nice again.

I hope what I have writen makes some sence to someone - or that someone can be bothered to read my going on and on - and you could offer me some advice.

thanks for any comment at all.

I was sent a webarticle on AS, with the header "Read This, It Sounds Like You"

Indeed, it did.

But it still didn't begin to have real significance until I had an opportunity to be assessed and diagnosed - that's when I began to study the condition in detail and learn just how much of my life it did explain.

It also made me realize that cohabitation with another human was likely to keep me miserable for the rest of my life. Thanks to my last ex-wife for inadvertently revealing to me why I was so unhappy.

thanks so much for your reply. Is that common that people with AS conclude they can't live with anyone? He thinks its just me that is the problem and he says he will stay with me until he finds someone else - which doesn't even hurt compared to everything else. But it came out in marriage guidance that all his previous relationships ended because of the same probelms we have. I do want to keep trying and if he decides that he's better off on his own fair enough, it would be easier for me too if he did. Do you mind if I ask you what made you want to get diagnosed? Did it make any difference in your marriage at the time or had you already separated by then?

I'm a guy lucky to be diagnosed with AS as a kid, and through sheer respect for others, determination and MOST OF ALL an intimate knowledge of my own disorder compared to other people I can live close to people, but not in their midst. I am..ahem..very VERY selective about romantic partners, I haven't had a serious relationship outside of chat at 18, quite simply because the kind of girl that can deal with me, though my intentions are awesome, is RARE.

But I can see that people like Willard (? Gladly corrected) and possibly your husband haven't "grown up" with the exact mechanics of their disorder, not realizing they ain't just crazy.
To be honest, we're all geniuses, but even the best genius needs a basis.

I think, unless yer husband's a teenager from a loving home, he hasn't learned to..ahem..bend to social standards. (IT IS AGONY, but worth it), and he prolly never will because there's no real reason other then then the fun other people can be, or maybe because he loves you.

I'm sorry to be blunt here, but all I've read is just anger at not understanding you. He's waltzing over your soul but he never notices. That can get..annoying.
For him it's walking on eggshells.

I think it's just the feeling of powerlessness but to the umphteenth degree. Just shove some Aspergers literature under his nose, see what happens.

Just know he's not an ass, just blind, but not with sight.


Good luck!

This doesn't really seem like Aspergers to me, although I could be wrong. You've really only described him being angry and abusive--Yes, pushing you is abuse and raising his fist to you acting like he's going to hit you is emotional abuse. I hope you don't do it to him as well--either way you guys need counseling.

No, he probably isn't an ass--- But he's bad nonetheless for bringing his own kid into it and threatening to kill himself in front of them. Which may have been a desperate plea for help but no matter our struggles in life if someone is doing much more harm than good, especially our kids its time to do something about it asap (imo).

Whatever the case maybe hopefully you guys (He included) can get through this.

Also I don't know much about dyslexia, other than it involves difficulty with reading, organizing etc. Dyspraxia I believe frequently is diagnosed in people with autism and dyslexia. Which I guess could be the comparison.

To Living outside the box - you sound like you have amazing self awareness and have a lot of heart. My husband does not, but as you point out he hasn't had any help in coping with what is going on in his mind. Don't worry about being blunt with me, my brain is wired to understand things said in a very straight forward way best and some very very blunt messages I've read on other threads have been the most useful in helping understand my husbands frustrations / where I may have been causing them. I'm not looking for platitudes here - I want real help.

I think I will take your advice and try to find a really good article that explains AS to give him, if you or anyone has any suggestions much appreciated. I've ordered some books for me but a couple of pages is all he'd read.

In responce to both yourself and Great shark bite, yes I have only described his aggression here. To clarify he has only been this aggressive since last christmas and we have had some terrible stresses to deal with during that time (although he has always been aggressive at times). Before this our problems were around his putting us in financial risk, general lack of care or any support for me and going on and on at me and being very demanding of me eg he needs his down time, but expects me to work round the clock. But he does have other things that make me think he's AS - most charming to begin with. Funny walk, dancing like a looney with no care, no inhibitions at all in public acting the edjit or being v affectionate. He has 3 friends from school but I've never known him make any other friends- I have loads of friends who he used to be in awe of and and I think he partly fell for me beacuse of my friends and social life. They are all very welcoming but he's never quite bonded with them himself, although they all think hes' lovely, and many he has hang ups about now. He's embarraingly rude when out - silly things like taking all the food at a dinner party, getting up from the table and turning on the TV in the middle of a family dinner, going and sitting apart from everyone and reading a magazine in the middle of a party. He cowers if shouted at (but has no issue if I'm reduced to lying on the floor crying begging him to stop shouting at me - he goes on and on and on). He wouldn't do a kindness for anyone - he really can not understand why I would pick up a family member from the airport, he'd even have his elderly mother walk in the rain to the bus stop to get the train home after babysitting for us rather than take 15 mins to drive her. he has his little things he loves, eg pens and little routines, again all quie charmingly eccentric and his obsession is sport and recently his job - he has a very very good job. The more stressed he gets the more obsessive he gets about excercising too. he says he knows when he feels himself getting down he knows to excercise and eat well and that keeps him from going down. I really think he is suffering greatly and is desperatly trying to control it himself. But I do also think if I give him an inch he takes a mile - so I just don't know how to act.

There seams to be so many balanced people on this site so it make sme wonder if he is AS - but is it possible that an AS person under real stress behaves over and above the normal AS profile. Am I being overly optimistic thinking if I can get him calm he could become as balanced as many seam here? All the social rudeness I could cope with - everyone I know is very accepting and if I knew there was a reason I wouldn't be embarrassed. Could I cope with no emotional support at all teh rest of my life and knowing that when I'm sick he will will be at this worst? - I don't know. As for the effect on our child - that is what causes me deep deep saddness - but no avenue I take seams like I can protect her from being effceted.

Aspie or not, your husband is very abusive. My advice would be to think about your child and how his presence and behaviour afects her. Your child is your first priority and it is your responsability to create a safe environment for her. Once your child is safe you can think about helping your husband or saving your relationship. Sorry to be so direct but I don't understand how can you be concerned about your husband (he's a grown man) and think about helping him when you have a child that lives in this environment

write a up a thorough research paper, leave it on his pillow, see if it rings any bells.
subtle but effective

Thank you, you are all right. I have to get my priorities right. I'm going to find a really good article and give it to him, then its up to him, I've got to pour all my energies into my child now - not him. I can't leave him as I have nowhere to go with all my money tied up in this house and I can't force him out as I already tried that but he went off the scale mad for 6 weeks. I was so scared - you hear of those people who take off with thier children - or even worse. Living seperate in the house is working better at least (only been 2 weeks).

I got to say I appreciate so much people out there taking the time to think about my situation.

He may have AS, he may have depression as well. That can also blunt the emotions. However they can have different approaches. Depression is not for you to help. AS can be helped by making sure he has some time alone, and also being estate to triggers. Usually being over sensitised can cause meltdowns. It is important not to think in terms of right or wrong way. Some people need a bucket of social contact, some people need a teacup, and some people need a thimble. He obviously wouldn't have married you if he didn’t want any. He just might not be able to deal with everything.

A person threatening to kill themselves in front of someone is surprisingly common. Not really specific to AS. My NT friend's dad this as a kid and told her it was her fault. This contributed to social anxiety. People say stuff they don't really mean. Depression runs in her family.

When you say he is not violent, he *is* pushing you around. I don't know the context but it does sound aggressive to me. I would tell him that you don't like his aggression and he should do something about it like taking up some sport or martial art.

His reaction is personal to him. Another way to react is to completely shutdown. Meltdowns can be implosive as well as explosive. If he recognises when he is going over the brink then it can be useful if he is able to leave the situation and go to a quite dark room. Equally if you notice him on edge, best not to antagonise. Even posing questions can be problematic because he won’t be in the frame of mind to be able to answer them.

All of this is subject to whether he has AS, and also you willingness to want to continue. I'm not saying you should either it is your choice.

Personally I don't see myself reacting like him nowadays. However I am much more conscientious about it, and want to seek the right sort of relationship. I think I might find kids stressful, but hat doesn't mean I against the concept of having kids.

.....Sounds good, thx for the compliment, I did kinda realize you weren't still with yer husband if he wasn't a lot of fun too.

Yer right, though. Kid's priority 1, if yer husband can deal with his things, he's got all the motivation on the world... If he can't or won't, that's his call and no amount of effort from you can change that.

Everybody's most powerful inside their own head. If he can't make himself more..ahem...respectful of others's norms and expectations...
Then nobody can.

As I said, good luck.

You have my sympathy.You’re in a horrible spot. I thought this was going to be some nice advice for me on how to break AS news to someone, not anythiing this grim and scary.

You have adapted and adapted to a situation, to the point where you have rationalized things that should not be treated as if they’re “OK.”

I have been in situations that gradually got worse and worse, and kept giving in a little more, and more, over time. You think if you’re just nice enough – and I found out the same secret you did about people like your husband: the only way to keep them from hurting you is to keep them in line by threatening them and being mean to them first. I was shocked to learn this, but I found out that bullying can be kept at bey by very consciously being really bitchy and nasty when the bullying starts up.

However, this level of toxicity is intolerable for you, let alone your child. Do not continue to expose your child, if you can possibly help it, to an emotional climate as poisonous as the one you’re living in. You don‘t want your child to have to absorb the lessons this is teaching.

Also, your husband may (or maynot) have some Aspergers stuff, but he sure as hell has some really seriously crazy stuff going on if he talks to thin air like a street-weirdo. If he’s having conversations with no-one, and there’s no cellphone, he sounds like there’s some schizophrenic mental illness there. Do you think he’s hallucinating? Hearing voices? What if the voices tell him to do Bad Things? You could be in real danger.

There are diagnoses called “Bordeline Personality disorder.” You might want to look up that phrase in Google. As nebulous and inocuous as “Borderlline” sounds, this description includes people who are crazy enough that some of them end up getting locked up. (I’m recalling a woman I met while helping the father of her child rescue her daughter from her. She later was jailed after physically attacking her own parents. It took a long time for her daughter to stop believing some of the “reality” her mom believed in.)

You’re talking psychopath here.



Read what you wrote! This is not an acceptable situation, not an acceptable risk level physically or psychologically.



You’re telling us he’s absolutely crazy – literally raving mad! Then you’re treating him like he’s capable of deciding on his own madness. Excuse me, but one of the defining features of many kinds of psychiatric problems includes a blindness to the fact of there being a problem.

In this country there are simple but profound criteria -- “ is the person a danger to himself or others?” – for involuntary commitment. That’s so people like your husband can get treatment (hopefully) before he does physically hurt himself or you or your child. Maybe you can check what your options are.




Again, please read and slowly re-read what you have written here. Look how you try to build some kind of love, a love with no love in it, into this man! You try so hard to find something there that you can call love, because you need it to be there.

I read a book called The Mask of sanity, on case after case of “Sociopaths” or psychopaths. There is one characteristic that you see over and over again: they are good at projecting a charming exterior. They make good con-men. The only reason they trip up is because they truly lack empathy to such a profound degree that they forget to factor normal emotions into their deceptions some of the time. But the likable front is part of the package.

Love with no kindness in it – that’s heartbreaking. And chilling.




Um, you want to see if you can be more cuddly on the basis that diagnosis and councelling will somehow make him stop being a dangerous lunatic?





You don’t need to learn how to be a better doormat. It won’t help. You know something needs to change, and you know the only “safe” thing to change, or possibly the only thing you CAN change is yourself, but it won’t do any good. You’re just accommodating a terrible situation. You make it easier for him to continue being abusive. In the Alcoholics community they teach that it’s not helpful to be an “enabler.” When the sick person does sick things, and you say “yes dear, it’s all my fault you do such terrible things,” you’re helping them remain sick. They also use the term co-depency to describe the situation of the people caught up in the terrible lives of addicts and alcoholics. Co-dependents lives become warped around the hellish existance of the one with thr primary addiction. Or in your case, mental illness. Whatever it is, the behavior is HIS behavioral problem, not yours. HE needs to be helped, diagnosed, medicated, cured, or kept away from people he hurts.



Two separate thoughts. AS is “the way someone is.” It’s a setting for their personality, like where you fall on a scale of relative traits like shyness/outgoingness, or the intelligence scale. It’s not a disease and thus not something that gets “cured.” Unfortunately being a psychopath (having no conscience, no sense of guilt, no empathy) is not cureable. It’s a setting on the extreme end of a scale. And of course the less empathy someone has, the less likely they are to have any drive to empathize more with others. Why should they? I mean, why should they care about how much they care or don’t care if they just don’t care? The wiley psychopath cares about #1 enough to put on a seeming of care from time to time, as expedient. That’s all it is.



No disorder or lets say deficit that I know on what’s considered the general run of Aspergers’ REQUIRES bad behavior. He has choices. If he is truly incapable of controlling his behavior, all that does is reinforce your own observations that he seems too dangerous to continue to live with, let alone coddle.




My boyfriend when I was young took drugs and tried to make me do things I didn’t want to do and got abusive more and more over time. The only way I could get him to respect me was to match his tone. I learned to be horrible to him, just to keep him from being so nasty to me. Not a good way to live. One day I applied for a job he though would bring me into contact with people he thought of as threatening and he said if I took it he’d do something awful. He actually took a bunch of sleeping pills while talking with me on the phone. I got him rushed to the hospital. I thinkhe did permanent damage to his brain, though. I have learned that having to get “respect” that was is a really bad sign that you are with the wrong man. I’ve seen it in other men a couple of times. Narcissistic men. They are men to get away from.

Please try to rescue yourself and your daughter.

Ask your doctor for help. That might be a start on where to turn.