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Brianruns10
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04 Feb 2012, 10:11 pm

Valentine's day is coming, and it will be my 27th, and on not a single one have I celebrated it with a companion. A lot of you have been in the same position. It's rather miserable. It's a taunting holiday, we all stand on the sidelines watching all the beautiful people who've found each other.

Is it too much to want what is a most basic part of human existence? I feel as if I've been cheated. I don't know if I want to marry. Maybe it isn't for me. But I want to at least find out from experience, and quit operating on pure theoretical conjecture.

More and more of my friends are marrying, and they're marrying these beautiful, smart women who I'd practically kill for. I fear my best years are slipping away. I already feel like an old man, and I'm only 27. The longer I go, the harder it'll get, the more people will wonder what the f**k is wrong with me.

I'm trying OKCupid, and I've already written almost 30 women. 3 wrote back, which I guess is a good response rate. Except NONE wrote me back a second time.

What the f**k? I've tried so hard to not be judgmental, to give everyone a chance. My standards aren't so high. I'm just looking for someone who enjoys being active, who could go biking, running, hiking with me, who is fun to talk with, and has some kind of ambition, so we can be mutually supportive.

How I wish for someone who'll hang out with me, who'll tell me her problems, and I can tell her mine.

Is that so much? So why won't any give me a chance in return? Are all the good ones taken? Or is everyone just so rotten and corrupted to the core by silly, stupid notions about prince charming coming to sweep them off their feet?

Or is the problem me? It is, isn't it? After so many attempts, so many times trying different approaches, and every time being rejected, or undercut by some better looking, more outgoing fellow, is the problem entirely me? Am I completely hopeless, already past my prime?

God the athletes I help coach are dating these wonderful girls (don't get me wrong...no attraction there, merely a desire for an equivalent appropriate to my age), and I curse myself for failing to find anyone in high school, failing to find anyone in college, because now it is so goddamn hard to find anyone period. Everyone is marrying up, or they're in long term relationships, or if they're available, they don't want to get into a relationship because they're a coworker, or they don't want to get tied down because they want to travel and all that. I guess it's easier when you can pick and choose.

I've just gotta find someone and soon, or I'm afraid it won't ever happen. I know I've got so much to give. I work so hard on my film projects, and hoping if JUST ONE takes off, then that will be my ice breaker. Women forgive flaws if the person is a success, right? Maybe they'll forgive my failures if I can show I'm capable of doing something really, really good?

As is I worry until I accomplish something important, I've got nothing to offer that women can't find in a better package. I guess I'm a good athlete...can run a 76 minute half marathon, but all the runners in my area date the better runners. They can always find someone faster, smarter, more successful, funnier.

I feel like the fish you throw back because it's too small.

I've just got to find someone. I can't live my whole life alone. I just can't. I've been trying all week to find a partner for a 4 mile race coming up for Valentines Day, but I can't find anyone. Not a single one. How pathetic am I? I'm going to run a race by myself. On Valentine's day. It's almost too much to bear, and I think I'm just going to stay inside, and admit finally that it is NEVER going to happen, that I should just accept I'm going to die alone, an abject failure in everything in life.

I hope there is a God, so when I see him before I get sent to hell, I can spit in his face.



rabbittss
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04 Feb 2012, 11:56 pm

Brianruns10 wrote:
Valentine's day is coming, and it will be my 27th, and on not a single one have I celebrated it with a companion. A lot of you have been in the same position. It's rather miserable. It's a taunting holiday, we all stand on the sidelines watching all the beautiful people who've found each other.

Is it too much to want what is a most basic part of human existence? I feel as if I've been cheated. I don't know if I want to marry. Maybe it isn't for me. But I want to at least find out from experience, and quit operating on pure theoretical conjecture.

More and more of my friends are marrying, and they're marrying these beautiful, smart women who I'd practically kill for. I fear my best years are slipping away. I already feel like an old man, and I'm only 27. The longer I go, the harder it'll get, the more people will wonder what the f**k is wrong with me.



Yeah basically exactly the way I feel..



hale_bopp
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05 Feb 2012, 12:01 am

If it makes you feel any better I've never had valentines day in a relationship either.

It's quite common.

I don't care though, I'm happy single. You have to get to that place.



Brianruns10
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05 Feb 2012, 12:13 am

I'm just...so tired of being alone and having no one. What if I never make a great movie, I die alone, having never mattered to anyone?



hale_bopp
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05 Feb 2012, 12:26 am

Brianruns10 wrote:
I'm just...so tired of being alone and having no one. What if I never make a great movie, I die alone, having never mattered to anyone?


Do you not matter to your family?

I think you want a gf for the wrong reasons, personally.



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05 Feb 2012, 12:34 am

I worry I may not be suitable for anybody.

I do have an idea of what I want, but if I have a checklist/criteria, I risk not meeting anyone. Yet if I don't, people will think I am desperate.

Even in terms of friendships, I get cheated out of having friends or relationships because of things people assume about me.


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DamienScott
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05 Feb 2012, 12:46 am

Valentine's day is overrated anyway. It's just like how all of the holidays are now, ways for companies to make a butt-ton of money.

Women never know what they want. They may have an idea, but frommy experience they tend to end up going with whatever is the exact opposite of it. The media gives them this idea (especially younger women) of what a "man" and a relationship is. And then when they see that the goodhearted, caring man isn't always the pro athlete bodybuilder they let him pass by. They say they want that guy that is going to treat them well, but they really want adventure and excitement. The guy that's going to treat the well isn't going to take them to a bar, get drunk with them, and then whoop the ass of the first guy to hit on her. Today's media has a real problem with depicting drama in relationships and sadly a lot of women want that.

So who cares if you have to run alone? I can bet that there will be tons of single women there too thinking the same thing. And it's your job to go out there and strut your stuff and make them wonder "why doesn't he have someone to run with?". Do what you are passionate about and be passionate about what you do. I've been told countless times that passion and confidence are the most attractive traits a woman sees in a guy right off. Run for you, be confident for you and no one else. Someone will eventually take notice. There is bound to be tons of women out there that think mentoring young people is sexy. It shows nurturing characteristics and that's about the age that women start to think about having children if they haven't yet.

Eventually those women will start to realize that there isn't much to those other guys that are faster and stronger. That's when they will think back to you and wonder why they didn't go for you instead. I've even had this happen to me before. I had a close friend that I had everything in common with. I told her that I loved her, but she said she didn't feel the same way. She started dating her ex again who was a pill head and we started losing contact. Eventually he started doing heroin and they fought all the time. He didn't care about her interests, OUR interests. I hadn't talked to her for a year or so and out of the blue she messaged me. We talked for a little while about how shitty their relationship was and then she asked me out of the blue what I thought about her and I. I told her how I honestly felt. I told her that I felt like we were soul mates, but that I didn't know if we could ever be together. We talked off and on for a bit, but then stopped.

I don't know where i was going with that exactly,but I don't think that you should give up completely. I do think that you should not actively look for women and expect to find one. Keep a keen eye out for girls that act differently toward you than most normally do. An extended look, an out of place smile. these things mean that they are interested and merely approaching them and saying hello is enough to put the ball in their court. Or if all else fails, keep going out there and do your thing and make one approach you. Just don't be like me and not realize that it's a sign of romantic interest. XD


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05 Feb 2012, 1:38 am

I often find myself assuming far too much about what women want. I look at a girl I am attracted and all I can think about is why she wouldn't want me. In that way it is very much a problem with me.

I deal with this by making sure the environment I am in when trying to meet people is tolerable. When I was in college there was a bar I found based around pool tables and if I got bored or jittery in the crowd I could calm myself by playing pool. I also got pretty good at playing pool so it inadvertently provided a basis of confidence and positive attention. I met several people there who ended up being great and understanding friends. Also met a few girls, went on a few dates, and messed up a bunch because I had no idea of what to do on a date, oops :shrug:, always more to learn.

Bison



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05 Feb 2012, 4:23 am

Brianruns10 wrote:
Is it too much to want what is a most basic part of human existence? I feel as if I've been cheated. I don't know if I want to marry. Maybe it isn't for me. But I want to at least find out from experience, and quit operating on pure theoretical conjecture.

More and more of my friends are marrying, and they're marrying these beautiful, smart women who I'd practically kill for. I fear my best years are slipping away. I already feel like an old man, and I'm only 27.


I agree that you want a girlfriend for the wrong reasons and it seems that you see them as accessories or something to boost status like a car or a material object. If you have that outlook, they will that perceive that from you and it could have a negative outcome.

30 isn't a high number, it clearly isn't enough and I will tell you that rejection isn't something that is exclusive to people on the spectrum, everyone and every successful person faces rejection at some point, you need to keep persisting and try not to take it personally.

Also maybe you are approaching women that are highly sought after or ones that look like supermodels, maybe if you approached someone with more relevance to your situation or lower your standards slightly, you might find that you have more success.



Brianruns10
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05 Feb 2012, 12:15 pm

Here's what I originally wrote: "I'm just looking for someone who enjoys being active, who could go biking, running, hiking with me, who is fun to talk with, and has some kind of ambition, so we can be mutually supportive."

How much lower can my standards be? Should i lower them to, "Is able to bathe without aid and knows how to use a stove?"



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06 Feb 2012, 7:26 am

Just a heads up.

"Enjoys being active" on a dating profile is code for "No fat b*****s"

Trust me on that one.



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06 Feb 2012, 7:46 am

hale_bopp wrote:
Just a heads up.

"Enjoys being active" on a dating profile is code for "No fat b*****s"

Trust me on that one.


Yep, I could see how that could turn away women are self conscious about their appearance, it could also make the active ones think you are shallow.



jane1
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06 Feb 2012, 8:02 am

hale_bopp wrote:
Just a heads up.

"Enjoys being active" on a dating profile is code for "No fat b*****s"

Trust me on that one.


I deffinately agree with you on that one.



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06 Feb 2012, 8:12 am

Brianruns10 wrote:
Here's what I originally wrote: "Is able to bathe without aid and knows how to use a stove?"


My tip for valentines day is hang out with all you single guy and girl friends. It sends a message of i'm avilable but also i'm not just looking for anyone.

Usually when people are LOOKING for the one it is written all over their face. It puts pressure on the girl because they think oh they want to marry me and it scares them off. Well at least that's my experiance with guys anyway.

Jane



Brianruns10
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06 Feb 2012, 10:47 am

For the purposes of online dating, I don't say, "Seeking someone active." I simply say I'M an active person. That's a very important part of my life, and someone who is unable to be a part of it is going to be absent from a major part of who I am.

Should a vegan be asked to compromise and date a meat eater? Or an evangelical christian an atheist? Or a health nut to a chain smoker? There are, sometimes, quite simply dealbreakers.

I can run a 5K in 16 minutes, and my last ten mile race, I averaged 5:49 a mile. And I reached that point by a lot of hard work, by dragging myself out of bed at dawn in the winter, or height of summer. And I have to have someone who has a similar ethic. Not that she must be as fast as me, but simply that taking care of her health and body are important, whether that means yoga, biking, hiking, or some kind of recreation.

The fact that a person is fat does not bother me from the standpoint of appearance. It's what's inside. Beautiful people can be just as ugly, if they lack a beautiful mind.

Rather, it's what MADE that person fat that bothers me. Say all you will about genetics and predisposition. I am sure for some it is easier to gain wait, and harder to lose. So you have to be stronger. Because predisposition doesn't change the fact that if you take in more calories than you burn, you get fat, and if you burn more than you take in, you get thin. When I see a fat person, I see someone who has overindulged, who has been sedentary, who lacks willpower. Fat people are hardly any different from drug users or alcoholics...only their poison of choice is bad food and inactivity. And like drug and alcohol users, they more likely than not will cave to their addiction and relapse. In order to get fat, one has to be quite self involved.

An I refuse to accept for a life partner someone who won't be able to hike a scenic trail with me, or tour a historic battlefield, who will always choose the elevator rather than the stairs, who will drain our savings because she has to pay more in health insurance and medical care once the arteriosclerosis, type II diabetes and congestive heart failure sets in.

That is one compromise I am unwilling to make.