Would love to hear some thoughts on my situation...

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I am a 21 NT female, currently 29 weeks pregnant. The father is 22 and has recently been diagnosed with AS.

He has physically abused me on several occasions. I left him recently as he gave me a bit of a fright about a month ago when he lost his temper and although he didn't hurt me it was enough to make me have a serious think and I decided that for the safety of myself and our unborn child, I needed to get away from him. At least until he was seeking help and addressing his issues.

He has a history of drug use, homelessness and a lengthy criminal record. He was moved around a lot as a child and I think it may be partly to blame for his late diagnosis. I often wonder if moving so frequently - often several times a year including changing schools -may have had major consequences on his social development, being "the new kid" and having to start attempting to form relationships all over again.

A couple of days ago he admitted himself into a psych ward. He is not dealing with things well since I left, he was kicked out of where he was living and has barely been eating. He has lost a lot of weight. He hasn't been showering very often and rarely washes his clothing. He is receiving some family support now, although I'm not entirely sure what he wants is being taken into account.

I'm really at a loss of what to do. His family until now have not been very understanding, frequently kicking him out onto the street, at some times choosing not to speak to him and being quite negative in general - mostly due to his behavior and the trouble he gets into. Although I am really glad that they have decided to be supportive of him now, I can't help but wonder how long its going to last. Everything in his life has been so inconsistent.

At the same time I really don't think I am able to help him, I have issues of my own and there are only 11 weeks left until the baby's due date. He wants to be involved in the child's life but his family are considering moving him several hours away to a rural part of the state, which may make things difficult for him.


I care about him a lot but I'm very unsure of what I should be doing with what has been going on.

Honestly, the abuse and drug use have nothing to do with AS. You should treat him as you would any other addict abuser, which is to say, you should get him out of your life for your own safety. You did the right thing by getting away from him. Let his family help him. You have your own child to worry about now.

Also, please don't let this experience taint your view of AS. Any addict/abuser would react in the same way, regardless of whether or not he was on the autistic spectrum.

I agree with ToadOfSteel. You have no reason to feel sorry for him. He has brought this situation on himself when he abused you, and it might be best if you stay as far away from him as possible. If he has anger issues, it would also be a bad idea to allow him any contact with your child in the future.

Abuse of any kind is wrong and should be treated as a serious case, you made the right decision to distance yourself from him and that's all you can do. If you do feel secure around him in the future, perhaps you could take the child to a mediation centre where he can see the baby under the supervision of others, that might be the best bet if you don't trust him. I think it would be harsh to cut all contact completely because he may change or conquer his drug addiction over time.

You should cut that loser out of your life for your sake & your unborn child's. Go to lawyer so the dad won't be allowed to get visitation rights. It is extremity BAD to have a child around anyone especially his/her dad due to him being seen as a father figure who has problems with drug abuse or physical violence.

Is he still on the psych ward or has he gone to live with his family now?

perhaps you could visit him and talk with him about what you both want and how you would like things to be.

have you got any family and friends you can talk about it with, talk about how you want things to be and what your worries are?

only you can decide whats best for you, and him and your child, Im sure you will be able to find a solution which meets all your needs the best.

Im in a similar situation to yours with my pregnancy at a similar length, so if you want to talk more feel free to pm me.

to me, it sounds like he doesnt really have anything to live for. personally, when i have something to look forward to, even if life is rough at the time, i can get thru it because of the thought of that thing that im looking forward to. if he really cares about you, he probably is in a lot of strife right now. he knows you are pregnant, im assuming, and you pushed him out of your life. if he loves you he probably feels like s**t right now. this doesnt mean you should feel sorry for him, but maybe it would be ok to tell him you are ready to try again IF he turns himself around, and stops messing around with drugs (unless its marijuana, which is basically entirely meaningless IMO, but if its not OK with you then let him know). tell him if he EVER hits you again, even once, it will be done, and you wont see him ever again. you should have a ZERO tolerance policy for abuse. i'd say 'abuse of any kind' but people get mad and say things they dont mean, thats a part of life i think.

if you give him some hope, it might help him get better. dont do it if you dont mean it, though. only do it if you really care about him, and actually want to see him get better and be with you eventually. i mean.. how devastated would he be if he eventually got better, stopped using hard drugs, came back to you, only to see you in the arms of someone else, or something like that?

OP has one post? I wonder if she'll come back.

I know a couple thats 22 and 25 with similar circumstances. Technically this guys family distances themselves/doesn't offer him moral support because if he enters a home things come up missing. Or he causes property damage, walks around un-showered, leaves cigarettes all over the place/is messy. We cleaned out his apartment the other day since he is in rehab and the stench was so morbid we could only spend the time between breaths inside. His father was hanging over the railing outside spitting, and coughing... He's been kicked out of multiple apartments, he seems to move in then look for drugs. Most recently he had SWAT invade his apartment when he left because he exchanged the keys to the apartment for drugs. We went inside that apartment and there was puke on the floor, beer and liquor everywhere - cigarette ash over everything.

But you might say they aren't offering moral support to him. But they've probably offered 22 years of it and he keeps stabbing them in the back.

My own father was this way, and quite abusive to my mother. She left and took me with her when I was 2 (they where together 8 years), and I met him again when I was 23 - (I'm 27 now). But he's exactly the same as he was back then. I spoke to my step-mother 2 days ago and she was upset because he had been mentally/physically assaulting her. When he's in a good mood he's referring to her as the B word or C word apparently.

But sticking by someone that way will eventually get old, you will be abused. Until one day he goes after your kid - and then you might decide to leave, but the damage will already be done. Everything is completely up to you tho.

-Nim

P.S. My mother left my father, because him and her where watching the news with me, and my sister (older). There was a story about a dad who killed his wife/step-daughter because she had apparently cheated on him. So my dad turned to my mom and said "She deserved it, that ____.", then apparently turned to my mother and said "are you cheating on me?!". So she ran.

But from the viewpoint of myself. My dad actually told me a year after knowing him "I wonder what your life would have been like had I actually been around." ... I only responded "Well pops, I'd probably be a jerk, a drinker, on drugs, and mean to women."

I would like to thank everyone for their input. I really appreciate it.

Now there seem to be a few questions that popped up so I'll address those first.

He has only been in psych for a few days, at this point he is still there. It was actually my idea because he contacted me in distress, mentally and emotionally was not in a good state. I let several members of his family know and the response I got was pretty much that they were too busy to care or that he wasn't their problem. So I said "fine, I can see I'm going to have to do this myself" and was told to go ahead and that they believed he would not seek any help, was practically a lost cause and how they had tried numerous times to help him over the years, etc. So I had a lengthy discussion with him and he voluntarily admitted himself into the nearest psych ward within 48 hours. I went in to visit him the day after he was admitted and then again the next morning to drop of some toiletries so he could have a shower before his family came to visit him. I must admit I actually found it amusing that they all of a sudden decided to come to his "rescue" but I know he is glad to have their support and I am not going to get in the way of that, so I have backed right off and I am letting them direct the course of what happens from now on. Also as they know his history more than I do it is much more appropriate they be the ones to speak to doctors, psychologists, etc.

Both times I have visited him he was extremely "clingy" - never more than a foot away from me and almost constantly had physical contact with me. Already there have been talks of him moving into the home of a family member that lives several hours away but I will get to that later in this post.

He is aware I am pregnant and has known since I found out (its kind of obvious now anyway!)
He is really excited about being a dad and already feels like he is missing out because I've stayed well clear of him in the month or so we have been separated. He really wants to get back together and be a family and obviously that isn't appropriate right now.

I would really like for him to be involved in the child's life. I have already discussed with him and his family that there is to be NO unsupervised contact what-so-ever and if necessary I will seek a court order to insure this. If circumstances change in the future then different arrangements might be made. But for now I have made my wishes and intentions perfectly clear as a newborn child is far too fragile to risk even the slightest mistake and he does get quite frustrated at times so I think I have made the right decision. Plus if the child was left in his care and something was to happen he would have to live with the guilt for the rest of his life and that is not going to help his situation either.

His drug use is not just marijuana. He has admitted using speed, cocaine, extacy, ice, acid and who knows what else. He denies every using needles and I believe him.

He regrets ever causing me harm and claims he loves me very much. He seems quite lost without me there.


At the moment his main drive to seek help is to get back together with me and be a family. I'm trying not to give him false hope and I have tried to make it clear to him that we may not ever be in a relationship together again. Whether he understands that or not I cannot say, but he was introducing me to the other in-patients as his girlfriend and I really didn't have the heart to correct him. I did call him last night and had a lengthy discussion with him about it and made it clear that he needs to focus on getting help for himself and not see it as a means to get back together.


Now I want to get back to the family member that wants him to move in with her and her partner. This person has been his main carer throughout his life (not his mother, and his biological father was never on the scene). He has run off from her before, or sometimes he has disappeared for days or weeks at a time. She has kicked him out several times previously, including once after he was diagnosed with AS back in September 2010. He had lived elsewhere for a few weeks due to the abuse he was causing me. Then he moved to this person's house and was only there approx 2 weeks before she kicked him out again and I allowed him to move back in with me under strict conditions. I also had a violence order in place.

I am really concerned that him moving back in with this person could be the wrong choice. I would like to believe things are going to be different this time but I'm finding it difficult. I get the feeling that his family have forgotten that Aspergers is permanent and are under the impression that some sort of treatment or medication will "fix him." I also think that because he would be several hours away that he will be unhappy that he will be so far away from me and the baby. He doesn't drive and neither do I (too nervous due to being a passenger in a head on collision with a truck) and that will complicate things further. It is a long trip on a bus or train to get to the city and then roughly another 45 minutes to get to where I am. Really the trip is too long for him to be going up and back in the same day but at this point I don't really want him staying overnight as he is the type that just won't leave even if I ask him to go.


I hope I haven't rambled on too much, as you can see I do have a tendancy to write quite lengthy posts but I feel there is no point in me asking for thoughts and opinions if I leave out all the details.

I dont think it sounds a good idea for him to live with that relative, i think that should be avoided if possible.

Do you think he needs to live with someone, would he be able to manage his own flat? It might be better to try and help him get a small flat near to where you live so he can visit you and the baby easier (so as to not stay over). Can the psych ward help him get accommodation?

I have a similar problem, my ex has to get a 45 min bus and then at least an hours train to visit me, my older kids do not like him any more and dont want to see him so he can only come in school hours which is going to make contact visits hard, I can envisage it being very difficult when the baby is born as he is not going to want to go home and leave the baby as he will love the baby so much. ideally my ex would get a little flat in my town so he could visit easier and not have to pay a small fortune on train fares (and be more likely to go home when asked), but he cant do that as he doesnt have confidence to run a flat or find one, I think if i got him a flat and paid the deposit he would not be able to cope with the bills and chores, i think he needs to be taught how to run it first and he would not want me to teach him as he would find it insulting and patronizing. Its hard as you cant do it for someone else and have to let them make their life themselves.

Have you got family support? Have you got someone to stay with you during labour and help you after the birth?

Do you love him?

He doesn't want to live with anyone. This is mainly due to him and I previously being in shared accommodation that we were placed in through a housing agency. We tried a few different ones, and consistently found ourselves living with criminals, drug users, alcoholics, etc. I do feel he would be best not to live on his own, he has had trouble paying rent and bills in the past and he struggles to take care of himself, such as cleaning up after himself, personal hygiene and eating proper meals. Although he can cook quite well when he chooses!

To me it comes across as purely a lack of motivation but I'm trying to be very careful of jumping to conclusions. He finds it difficult to talk about these things sometimes and is very quick to get defensive. I also think because he has been diagnosed so recently that he is "acting NT" and telling people what he thinks is "normal" or what he thinks they want to hear.

I think the psych ward are looking at accommodation options for him but if his family member says he can live with her then I doubt they will look into that issue any further.

I suggested to him and to his mother that they consider supported accommodation, where there are staff 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. They supply your meals and help you out with day-to-day life tasks, although they do encourage you to do as much as you can. Most also have some sort of social program in place, varying from small activities on-site to excursions to places like zoos, museums etc. My eldest brother has mental health problems and is in supported accommodation and is quite happy there - which is saying something because my brother is rarely happy. Ever.

At the moment I am living with my mother and she will be with me during labor (if they let me have a natural birth, have a slight complication at the moment). I am trying to find myself a two bedroom unit close to my mother to rent but so far I have not had much luck as it is incredibly difficult to get into a rental property here and being 21, pregnant and unemployed does not look good on paper.

If I was you, I would talk to the people on the psych ward about your worries about him living with that relative and how it would not be a good idea. I would press them to help him find supported housing, that sounds ideal.

Im glad you have a supportive mother and can stay with her, I hope you are able to find a home of your own.

Its such a hard time, esp with worries over delivery, its a time you need to be looked after not looking after someone else, I really feel for you. You seem very strong and brave though and Im sure you will make all the right decisions, your baby is lucky to have such a good mum.