Communication struggle in relationships

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I find it to be a struggle to communicate my needs and wants in a relationship to the point where I completely shut down. I really think it stems from an internal struggle of "is directly stating blah blah blah in my best interest?" I know that looking for the one who just gets it is basically looking for perfection and a complete fairy tale. That point is clear. Anyways, the few who are tuned in pretty much end up treating me like a child or put me down. Sometimes you have to be direct and I know that considering that I need a person to be direct with me. I guess I am kind of having a hard time finding the middle ground ...its either all or nothing. To some extent I have honed in on the conclusion that it is based on specific personality characteristics and have filtered out a lot of people.

Anyone else struggle? How do you deal with it? Do you just kind of know?

I seem to waffle back and forth between different approaches to communication.

My nature is to be blatantly honest, and say exactly what I think and feel, and try to state it in a way that hopefully makes sense to other people.

But that usually fails pretty badly. So then I go into "shutdown" mode, and communicate as little as possible, to anyone. I feel there's no point in even trying, since anything I say is guaranteed to be misunderstood.

But then I'll get kind of lonely, and cautiously try to talk to people again. And gradually open up, and be honest, and really, really try to communicate, and express my thoughts and feelings!

But again, nobody relates to what I'm saying, and I crawl back in my hole and resolve never to make the mistake of trying to talk to anyone, ever again...

And the cycle continues...

You need to find a middle ground. Giving hints or just assuming others can figure out what you mean/fee/want to say, is basically assuming that they can read minds. Guess what?! !! Nobody can read minds!! ! Doing this just drives everybody crazy because the one thinking others can read their mind gets mad when that doesn't happen and the non mind readers get frustrated and angry at being the target of the unjust anger from the one who thought they could read minds.

Speaking bluntly can also make everyone angry, as it may cross the line of politeness and propriety. You need to find gentler ways of speaking your mind. For example: instead of saying someone is fat, say they are pleasingly plump. There are other similar ways to speak your mind. Start by toning down the adjectives. Also, try, try to remember to be polite and appropriate in what you are saying. Perhaps reading a book on manners will help. Also, some things are better left unsaid. I know for a fact that I am obese. I don't need people to tell me that. I also know that my not wearing make-up causes me to not fit in. I don't need to be told that either. I choose not to wear make-up for several different reasons that are all valid to me. I also don't wear high heels, so again that doesn't fit in, and again, I don't need to be told that. And my clothes aren't stylish--but they suit me, and I don't need to be told that they aren't stylish. Some things may need to be said, but try to say them in a nice way. Other things don't need to be said. The person already knows. My mirror tells me every time I look into it, and it doesn't lie--unfortunately. The mirror is blunt enough without others telling me I am fat, homely, and unstylish.

So, for some stuff button your lip, for other stuff be polite and appropriate, and again, try a book on manners. It might help. And never just hint around or assume others know what's on your mind. Remember, NOBODY CAN READ MINDS!

This thinking others can read minds seems to be a bigger problem among women than men, although I seem to be the exception to the rule. However, my mother was not. She once came to me while we were living in NJ, and asked me if there was anything on TV that night that my uncle--her brother in PA--would be watching. I seldom saw the man, and had no knowledge of his tastes in TV shows, so, after I got over the surprise of the odd question, I laughed, and told her to call him. It turned out that she had wanted to call him, but hadn't wanted to interrupt him if he was watching TV.

Maybe I should become a professional mind reader.

My problem for the most part is I guess I come off as being critical or demanding, which is interpreted as being mean. I have trouble expressing my personal boundaries and the need for space. I have always believed that relationships/friendships should be based on facts over assumptions anyways. I guess really that unless directly asked I dont like to divulge on certain things, but of course most people do not ask. ...so because of this I guess it is more about being open.