Objectification ie. Ur no person, Ur an object of critique)

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SoundOfRain
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18 Feb 2012, 8:44 pm

Putting many pieces together over a long time is usually how I get to realise the stuff people are up to. I need to know if anyone else has experienced this!

I have often (and I mean often) been told that I am beautiful. By lovers and family and friends. Now what I beleive I have been experiencing is what "beautiful people" in the dating arena are treated like according to assumptions about good looking people and as a direct result of the messed up stuff our culture has around the notion of what s beautiful/ugly in the first place!

I'll explain...

Sometimes when I have been dating I make a mistake (like anyone would, not just aspies!) and instead of my word being taken for (in my acceptance and realisation of how unloved that made them feel and my subsequent apology) I am assumed to be a b**ch.

In many ways it feels like over the few short months we have been dating they have just been waiting to hear that they were wrong about me being a nice girl and that I'm a b**th like they feared I would turn out to be all along (their internal dialogue). I can understand this as I have met many women and men who are good looking who do think they are god's gift, that the world centres around them, and are selfish and shallow. I can't tell you how lonely this is making me feel. It feels so awful to be thought of so badly.

I was bullied in school for being fat. "ugly". I lost weight, but I used to date losers. They only wanted me because I had low self esteem, a faulty bullshit detector, was kind and generous and am pretty. I learned what a loser was. I learned who I am (aspergic). Now I am finding great partners, but find the problem as described above. They think I am going to turn out to be a b**th and so the slightest doubt they encounter they write me off as one. When I was "ugly" I was objectified then too.

Has anyone else had this experience?

Objectification sucks! How the heck am I going to find anyone nice who will trust that I am nice? I was nice when they met me! I haven't changed! Crazy!

Soundofrain


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Catman
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18 Feb 2012, 9:51 pm

Well that bites! Hmm. Keep trying? I get misunderstood all the time, as well. Sucks. I guess that the only advice I can give, is that if they are just looking for you to mess up, then it's a good thing that you supposedly did, so that you don't end up with them. Sounds like they'd be wrong for you, anyway.

And beautiful women do have a hard time finding dates, unless it's with jerks. Of course, a lot of women just "say" they want to find a nice guy. Hehe. But if you truly want to find a nice guy that you are compatible with, you might try and ask some nice guys out. See if that works. I consider myself a nice guy (most of the time), and I know that if a beautiful woman came up to me and asked me out for coffee, or lunch, or whatever, and I thought she was being genuine, I'd jump at the chance! So I'm guessing other "nice guys" will, too! :D


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SoundOfRain
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18 Feb 2012, 10:30 pm

Yes I guess keep trying really is the only solution, and yes I get misunderstood in other contexts too and is now no surprise to me he he! I think you said something really smart there... "If they are looking for you to mess up then it's a good thing you did". I think that this must be true and I am feeling truley better all of a sudden! Thank you!! !

I do ask the nice ones out. What I find is the nice ones actually fall harder when they have been out with someone false, unkind, or selfish, especially if they have invested alot in relationships and their heart has and soul has been cheated. This is when they get sceptical after having had several experiences and are fed up and tired. And rightly so! So you can see my situation?!?! Nice ones don't beleive in women anymore! I didn't beleive in relationships/people for ahile so I know what it's like. It's hard to trust again. Now I'm ready to believe again.

So no use me getting sceptical now! I reakon I can still believe and that will count when I find the right one.


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Catman
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18 Feb 2012, 10:44 pm

SoundOfRain wrote:
So no use me getting sceptical now! I reakon I can still believe and that will count when I find the right one.


There ya go! A positive attitude! :D

(And I know what you mean about becoming jaded or closed-off from past experiences. I believe in women still, just takes me longer to fall in-love, now. Which is probably a good thing!)



SoundOfRain
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18 Feb 2012, 10:46 pm

Oh yes I forgot to say some women do end up with jerks because they are pretty it's true. I think low self esteem does have alot to do with that. If you are a quiet type though you end up with mnaipulators. Bad times.

I get really upset when i walk in a club and all the "beautiful" people look at me. They either are interested or snub me. I couldn't care less for a welcoming like that. I hate it. The "regular" people (my kinda people) are actually more interesting than that and definatley not aggressive! They are usually busy having fun with their friends and being their natually intersting selves. My kinda people! They are suspect of me. It takes a long time for me to be accepted into a group. If a friendship starts off one-to-one it's usually grand and I do make friends easily that way. The group way sucks.

I actually have a new friend who wanted to get out and about and meet people. We get on really well and I thought she and I would have alot of fun together out on the town. She imediatley said no. She said we would fight over propective dates as we liked the same type of people. I honestly don't know where she got that idea from. I am so not like that and she knows it! Plus, she has dated more people than I have since we've known each other! Cheeky madam! lol. AND all her partners were nice ones! I am starting to suspect that her low self esteem might be hiding a fear that no one will like her if I'm with her? If she only knew what it was like for me. Plus that I would just like to have a normal friendship with a woman for once where she doesn't feel threatened by me and do things together like this? Big time sucheroony!! !


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SoundOfRain
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18 Feb 2012, 10:48 pm

Longer to fall in love. Yes, that is a good thing. Got a pill for that? I fall in love regardless! If it's there it's there and if I'm trying to be cool it will creeps up on me and go BOO! he he


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Catman
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19 Feb 2012, 12:19 am

Yup. Everyone makes assumptions. I do it, and I know I'm doing it! Lol. And from what I hear, most women see other women as competition. If they want to have better odds finding a date at a club, they pick three or four other women to go with them that they consider to be less desireable. Probably true, at least with some women.

So it seems you know that your looks intimidate other people. Both men and women. And they say knowing is half the battle. :D

Eh, well. I don't have all the answers, either. And no magic pills! I wish! :D But yeah. You can keep bouncing ideas off me. I can always use more friends or whatever, so feel free. :wink:



justalouise
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19 Feb 2012, 3:26 am

People definitely get treated differently based on how they look, sometimes in ways that suck (though often in ways that are by no means unpleasant). My younger sister is very conventionally good-looking, but she is the sweetest person ever. I hang out with a lot of punk/hippie types and it was surprising to me how many of them assumed shitty things about or felt threatened by her because she's a traditionally pretty girl who wears flattering, normative clothing.



Wolfheart
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19 Feb 2012, 3:32 am

SoundOfRain wrote:
I do ask the nice ones out. What I find is the nice ones actually fall harder when they have been out with someone false, unkind, or selfish, especially if they have invested alot in relationships and their heart has and soul has been cheated. This is when they get sceptical after having had several experiences and are fed up and tired. And rightly so! So you can see my situation?!?! Nice ones don't beleive in women anymore! I didn't beleive in relationships/people for ahile so I know what it's like. It's hard to trust again. Now I'm ready to believe again.


You have to ask yourself, if they are generalizing an entire gender or group of people based on a few or a few experiences, are they really that nice? Or are they just negative and pessimistic? It can be difficult to have faith after broken relationships but that's not an excuse for them to judge you also. You need to realize that some people just aren't ready for a relationship after a broken one and you shouldn't be a victim to those insecurities. You need someone that is willing to give a fresh chance without presuming your traits or motivations.