Obsessing over a girl...

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Hi all. I'm pretty new to WP, but I've had an ongoing obsession with a girl for probably about 7 or 8 years now and I can't seem to shake it off. I first met her during college and immediately felt attracted to her. I think she was also at least a little bit interested in me as well. Since I lived independently off-campus (living in the dorms was hell, but that is beyond the topic of this post), I really didn't get a chance to interact with her much outside of class.

Anyway, she sat next to me in calculus class one semester. Unfortunately, I didn't really interpret this as a sign of her being interested in me since I wasn't really "tuned in" so to speak. This is one of those things where I think my Asperger's got in the way as it makes interpretation of non-verbal cues difficult. As such, she started dating another guy. They broke up after about a year before she started dating a second guy. She was with the second one for about 2 or 3 years before that one ended. We were "friends" all the while, but near the end of her second relationship she developed a crush on me. She started sending me emails wanting to know if I wanted to go out with her and such. Aware of her relationship, I declined the request since I didn't want to bring infidelity in her existing affair. I think there also may have been some shyness on my part since I didn't really know what to do.

Anyhow, after this she did become single for a while. She had affairs with a few guys, but none of them became serious. At this point I was in grad school at the same university and she was working at a Wal-Mart. I asked her out to dinner a few times, but they were nothing more than quasi-dates. Unlike a couple of years prior, she no longer had a crush or serious interest in me, even though I was still very much interested in her. We were friends for a while longer, even after I finished grad school. We occasionally communicated through the phone or internet.

However, in the past year she has found a third relationship and this may be the one that leads to marriage - or at least that is my impression through the internet. She now lives near Boston somewhere and the guy "makes more than a $100K a year" in the tech field. Meanwhile, unable to land employment (yes, I'm one of those overeducated but inexperienced people), I've since moved back home. Jealous of her relationship (and others for that matter), I deleted my Facebook. We've also fallen out of touch. We no longer speak on the phone or internet. I called her once and emailed her to no avail. She apparently has no interest in me anymore.

However, I can't shake my obsession over her since she is the only girl who has ever displayed in interest in me. In addition, and perhaps more importantly, she is the only such girl that I was also attracted to. Although I don't have FB anymore, I still stalk her pretty much everyday. I really feel like I missed the boat with her since I had an opportunity back when she was crushing on me. I could've had a girlfriend and lost my virginity if it weren't for my error in judgement and not being tuned in a few years ago. I guess I need to let go, but that is hard to do in light of my Aspie obsession toward her and today's social networking online. How can I do this? My apologies for making this such a long post, but I needed to explain the whole story.

When I was in college back in the 90's I had a similar situation to this. In a Sociology course that I was taking a girl sat next to me on the first day. When she sat next to me for some reason I did not like her, I don't know why. When the course ended she asked me a question, where was the library? So I explained to her where it was at and out of the blue we started having a little conversation. It really went well, I was surprised. Throughout the semester, since we had the same break between that course and the next course, we started talking more and more and got to know each other pretty well. As time went on I got attracted to her but there was one problem she had boyfriend eight years older than her who she lived with. I really could not do anything about this and the infucation (which she never knew about) became stronger. For a while I thought I was becoming a little too close or personal and even indicated this but it didn't bother her and stated she had many guy friends and a boyfriend who was not jealous. I did have a couple of opportunities to become a little closer (as a friend) with her but I never really took advantage of them. A couple of times she invited to her apartment to study, I declined and said I would rather study in the college. She did call me a few times (I had her number) but I never called her, I felt funny because she lived with her boyfriend. When she left the college after a couple of semesters she gave me her e-mail but I did have internet access at the time so I ended up writing her letters. We did keep in touch briefly via letters. Than she moved to California and we lost contact. I did find her on AOL messenger but we hardly talked on there. Now a few weeks ago I discovered she was on Facebook and I became a Facebook friend. We don't talk too much on Facebook, since she's involved with other things in her life (she now lives in Florida) but we do occasionally give a small message here and there. I can go on and on with this experience but I already typed a lot.

Your situation is different to mine in the sense that we actually saw each other there were no indications of problems with her boyfriend, no signs of her breaking up with him, I tried my best to keep my feelings to myself (I did not want her to know how I felt) and I never pursed anything with her too much outside of the college.

I have to say this experience really changed me. To be honest I think I do still have some feelings for her but I think I got over her to some extent.

And it was right of you to decline. This woman is of such moral character that she see's infidelity as an alternative to a bad relationship, rather than properly ending the relationship before seeking other ones. If she has no problem being unfaithful to this man when the relationship isn't going well, she would likely have no problem being unfaithful to you when the relationship isn't going well, and most men on the spectrum need women who are a little more patient and dedicated than that.



Have you considered that she didn't really have a crush on you independent of her circumstances? Perhaps it was only in the context of being in a relationship that was falling apart, and she saw you as the greener pasture at the time, so to speak.



It's an enigma to me why so many men instantly cling to the first women who shows interest in them, or is friendly towards them. You cannot build a relationship on that alone. I suppose they think she is their only chance at a relationship, but this is only true if he does not come to understand some things about relationships. One of these things is that most women are not going to display their attraction to man explicitly. Most women are going to sit their and hope the man makes the first move at showing interest, which can be as simple as pursing conversations with her on more than one occasion, saying hello, sticking around a little longer to talk to her when there isn't much of a reason to, etc.



Because she showed an interest, or for other reasons?



That's creepy.



I don't think you missed the boat with her. I think you got on the boat and it just didn't go where you had hoped. Even if your relationship was more involved, it likely would not have lasted, and would have probably ended poorly due, in part, to your inexperience, which wouldn't necessarily have been the cause of it ending, but you would have likely reacted in a way which would have made the situation worse than it needed to be.

Most first relationships do not end in marriage, and if they do, those marriages eventually end in divorce. Look at all of the relationships this woman had to have before she found someone who might be the one.

To have visions of living happily ever after with your first crush is not realistic, and I think you should attempt to convince yourself that life doesn't work in such an idealistic way and your relationship with her probably actually ended in the most positive way possible. Being you had no falling out, perhaps in a few years or decades your paths will cross again and a relationship might be more feasible, but in the meantime, don't wait around for her.

I kind of feel like maybe the reason I was/am obsessed with her is that I have no one else. Like many Aspies, I've never had a serious relationship with a girl. But you're right, maybe I wasn't being realistic about the whole thing. Despite my age, I kind of feel like I'm about the equivalent of an early adolescent when it comes to girls and dating. I have no experience, and this will likely hurt my prospects.

As for declining her invitations, my head was telling me to do it. My heart told me to go for it since it may have led to something. It was a head vs. heart matter, but I really didn't want to have myself viewed as someone who was just in it for the sex and nothing else. Who knows, even I had gone for it, it may not have gone anywhere.

In addition, I haven't seen this from the point of view that the relationship may not have gone well even if it had progressed to something more intimate. Then again, I think I was desperate for a relationship. I am almost beginning to reach the conclusion that I never will have a significant other due to my difficulty in interacting with others. Maybe it's better that I stop lamenting and accept the fact that may always be single.

I think you did the right thing avoiding her. You would have gotten hurt.

You might always be single, or you might not. If you resign yourself to it, you very likely will. However if you don't resign yourself to it, you might eventually meet someone and live happily ever after.