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bookworm285
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22 Feb 2012, 10:16 pm

I got out of an abusive relationship a few months ago, and soon after met a guy. Mistake, I know.

He seems "too nice to be true" so I am waiting and carefully observing his actions. I told him I wasn't ready to date, but due to my heartbreak and neediness, instead of dating, we visited. Looking back, I know that was a mistake. I wasn't ready to date, so I really wasn't ready for long visits. I never intended for him to make a habit of it. He doesn't have a car, so when he came over he would stay all his days off (2-3 days) then get a ride home. It was starting to get old, he would assume it was ok and I didn't have the heart to say no. He would do this two weekends a month.

He was here 4 days last week. No problem. But he asked if he could come over this weekend and I said no, I need time alone. So later he asked if he could come over only one night next week. I said no, I'll have company. (I will.) He asked if I could put them off until later so he could come over. I said no. I'm going to move, and after I move, I have made a rule to myself that he won't be allowed at my place (due to overstaying and inviting himself) and I will go to his place to visit occasionally. I told him he can't visit my place when I move, and had an explanation.

At this point, I am starting to feel like he is trying to manipulate me. Instead of taking no for an answer he said "I really wanted to stay at your place one last time before you moved." I feel if he were Really a "nice guy" he would have taken no for an answer the very first time I said it. I've been in two bad relationships, and I swore I'd never get into another. My counselor said it's because a nice guy takes no for an answer, and a not nice guy keeps insisting until he wears me down.

I deeply regret that I let him visit so much and didn't put a stop to it sooner. I need support and encouragement to not back down and stick to no. I have to put myself first. I'm sorry he has this "emergency" that he needs to stay at my place one night next week, but it's not my responsibility to provide him with a couch. My needs come first.

Also, I'm wanting to back off and stop seeing him and talking to him so much. It's become excessive. I told him right away that I wasn't ready for a relationship for years, and that I will be dating soon (which I'm still not ready for) I don't see this going Anywhere, and he said he can wait for years and years. Any suggestions? I need support in this, I know I can do it.



Selena
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22 Feb 2012, 10:26 pm

Nice people respect boundaries. Define yours clearly and politely (which it sounds like you've already done), and after that if he keeps pushing, he's being a jerk. Say "no" firmly, then end the discussion.



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22 Feb 2012, 10:47 pm

That seems like the kind of thing you want to end asap. He sounds emotionally manipulative. I went through a similar situation so I can relate. That he can wait "years and years" screams creepy desperation and immaturity to me. You might end up doing him more of a favor by moving on then letting him continue manipulating you, as he might grow up a little bit. Or not. But in any case, your needs should come first. Do not submit to emotional blackmail.


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bookworm285
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22 Feb 2012, 10:56 pm

I agree with you, the "waiting years and years" does sound creepy!

There is more to it, as always is - his ex-wife is mentally ill, and also has borderline personality disorder. He always sound so patient with her - no human being alive is always that patient! Also, she knows where I live and comes to my apartment sometimes randomly, or if he's here,, and causes drama. I'm not going to let him know where I am moving.

I had promised him to always be a friend, (which I may not keep) but I am thinking better to end it now than later. It may be possible for me to stay a "facebook friend" and pretend to be his friend, while keeping my distance. I'll decide that later. A lot depends on whether he continues to try to manipulate me.

Thanks for the input, keep it coming! I need all the help I can get on this.



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22 Feb 2012, 11:19 pm

Anytime a person says something along those lines (years and years) I think of this iconic, creepy scene: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B8f_HaRxRbA

If you can't keep that promise of being his friend because he makes your life too difficult, don't feel guilty about it. I used to be horrible at saying "no". I still am not that great at it. It has caused me far more problems than feeling "rude" for saying "no" would have, though. Manipulators rely on your good conscience, in order to take advantage of your nature to get what they want. I'm sure you will work it out to a satisfactory end, though :) Good luck!


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AardvarkGoodSwimmer
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23 Feb 2012, 12:08 am

If necessary, have a friend or advocate be an intermediary?



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23 Feb 2012, 12:59 am

Why wait until you move? Enact the rule now. You are correct to state that genuinely nice guys respect boundaries.

It might not be that this man is a bad person, but her either does not have the emotional maturity, or consideration to respect your boundaries, or he himself is needy in some way, but that's his problem, not yours.

The point is, he wears you down and makes the relationship stressful by trying to persuade you to let him cross boundaries you really don't want him to cross, and it doesn't matter if he's not a bad person, it's the making of a bad relationship.

You really just need to be very direct with him. He can't sleep over anymore, and if he can't respect that and other boundaries then you can't see him at all anymore.



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23 Feb 2012, 3:28 am

I'm a 21 year old Virgin, I've NEVER kissed a woman on the lips except my mother, but she died when I was 4. I'm 21 now with NO sex drive. So yeah, xD I don't think I'll ever date. I'm fine.



OliveOilMom
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23 Feb 2012, 4:37 am

I would just tell him that you aren't ready for a relationship right now and that it's best if you stop seeing each other. The whole "It's not you, it's me" thing.

Also, you just got out of a relationship and usually when that happens, the first guy you meet and date after that is just "transition man". He's the guy that you date while you are getting your mind around not being with the old guy. This guy sounds like your transition man, and you have made the transition, so it's probably time to stop seeing him.

If nothing else works to keep him away, lie and tell him you have herpes. That should work.


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bookworm285
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24 Feb 2012, 1:36 pm

I found out he wanted to spend the night with me in order to help his ex-wife with something the next day. (I suspected that.) She also asked me to help her.

I told him "I refuse to help either of you with something I have nothing to do with. It's just unnecessary drama. In the past, yes, I would have, but I only hurt myself trying to help others. So in the future I am putting myself first." (And I'm happy to help people when I feel it is useful, but in this case, it only hurts me and enables them.)

As far as the rest, I will tell him in person that we are friends and only friends and there's no use waiting 10 or 100 years; it's just not going to happen.



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24 Feb 2012, 3:40 pm

Strength to you. Don't give be afraid to be firm. I was charitable and let a guy stay over and then woke up with him blowing in my ear. He said,"Do you like that?" I was mortified but was able to get out,"No I don't." When he came to visit the next time I said we couldn't be friends.